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I'm just trying to figure out if I've done the right thing. I have been married almost 20yrs & have 2 children. Events in my husbands life have recently come to a head with devastating consequences for him. His child hood was not a happy one & he has always struggled but recently things came to light that resulted in his pastor father being convicted of indecent assault of his sister ( a fraction of the truth ). Although not sexually my husband & all of his siblings also suffered greatly at the hand of this man. This has been an extremely difficult time & an unhealthy lifestyle has finally succumbed to what I believe may be depression. We have recently seperated due to his instability & unpredictability. He is seeking help & has his 1st appointment next week. He came to the house tonight to see & hug our children he was visibly distressed although trying to hide it from the children they noticed & my eldest 13 asked did I know if dad was OK. To be honest I have not been so relaxed, calm & at peace since we seperated but seeing him tonight made me feel extremely bad. I worry I've deserted him in his darkest hour & I'm not sure how to handle things. I love him but I'm not sure I'm still in love with him. I want to reach out to him but I don't want to give mixed messages. I need some time & I'm hoping in that time he will be proactive & get the help he needs & maybe hopefully my feelings will return. He was never going to move forward & seek the help he needs & that I can't give him while we were still together & I was managing everything but at the same time this feels so cruel. Is there anyone else out there with a similar story & some encouraging words.
Firstly, welcome to the forums.
This is such a hard thing to give any advice on, I have not been in this situation before so I don't know how much help I can be. No one can sit here and say you are doing the right or wrong thing because respectfully it isn't our place. One thing I would point out to you is to read the Supporting someone with depression or anxiety section on this forum. It can be found under The facts section at the top of this page, under supporting someone. It sounds like you want to support him and help him so that is a good thing, he is also seeking help which is great to read as well.
I hope someone else will comment with better advice for you but just wanted to reach out for support.
My best for you and your family,
Welcome to the forums MR and good on you for having the courage to post too!
I am sorry for what your husband has gone through MR. I suffered similar pain as your husband has and I am now happy that my ex parted ways with me due to my depression and my erratic behavior (thats the blunt truth but after many years of regular counseling I understood that I was being a pain)
You mentioned some wise words in your post MR..."I have not been so relaxed, calm & at peace since we separated"
I think you are amazing for having the insight to recognise that your health does come first. And yes there are feelings of sadness and care for your husband. You have a huge heart to acknowledge your understanding for his pain and anguish.
Depression is a condition which he has to take ownership of. Your own personal well being (and of your 2 children) is paramount....all other considerations are secondary. Please forgive me if that was cold. I was only stating the importance of you and your children's well being.
If I may ask...has your husband been proactive enough to actually had a diagnosis of depression? His GP is the best starting point on the long rocky road to recovery which may take a long time depending on the his level of depression and/or symptoms....anger....sleep issues....work problems...perhaps the inability to function in a relationship in a 50/50 basis...
You are an intelligent and proactive person to have posted MR. You and your children will only benefit from your insight and care.
Beyond Blue have a quick checklist for anxiety & depression. I hope it can provide you with some peace....where your husband is concerned........Copy & paste it into your browser and it may shed some clarity where your husband is concerned (subject to his diagnosis of course)
The forums are a judgement free zone as well as a safe and secure place for you to say whatever is on your mind
Ive had depression for 21 years and medicated (even though I have always been anti meds)
Your husband will benefit from super frequent counseling so he can have the help he requires. I had weekly therapy for 7 months back in 1996 and I had most of my life back as a result. I have always worked in senior corporate roles whilst having therapy.
Im a volunteer on the forums and there are also many gentle people that can be here for you too 🙂
my kind thoughts for you and your children
Hi MR, welcome
I think there is hope for you both. However, as pointed out by Paul, he has to get the help he needs. Appropriate therapy and/or medication can make huge changes. Meds take at least 4 weeks to begin working (this is if he actually has depression) then there is the fine tuning of dosage. That can take a long time and he would need your help in that area.
What I'm going to suggest is that you form your own decision as to whether to reunite or not, based on what makes YOU happy.
What is happiness for you?. Is being "in love" one if your needs? How much percentage of couples are still "in love" after 20 years? Will you feel more closer to him if he was calmer and jolly? Can your needs be fulfilled by him under the right circumstances?
When there are gaps in a long marriage things can begin to turn for the worse. It starts as small things then a snowball forms. He's doing it tough now. I assume he hasnt got any children with him...makes it even tougher. I've been there and that rips ones heart out. It would make him worse sadness wise.
So, for him to seek professional medical help could be the catalyst to a resolve that could also be a wake up call. It might not be depression...it could be mid life crisis or maybe he lacks direction or you both need valued counseling? The much needed romantic bit of your life can return down the track once things are calmer.
Your husband getting such assistance is the key IMO. It could be the one major condition of your reunification. It sounds like blackmail, but it is more a mandatory requirement because like many, he wont get help...it common and can be infuriating . A comment like "it isnt that hard to go to the doctor to get help, thats all I'm asking, and I'll come with you". I.e make the hurdles for him achievable.
We are here for you. We know what being in a crisis is like.
The above are my views and ideas. Its for you to decide. All the best.
Thank you all for your advice & encouragement. You have confirmed my thoughts. I am hopefull he will be committed to his appointments & that he will follow the advice given to him in order to be able to live a more productive, present & happy life. As for us only time will tell.
Thank you all again for taking the time to reach out to me. I wish you all the best on your own journey's.
No worries at all MR+2
Thankyou for taking the time to post back. You are the legend that has reached out and I hope you know that your thread here is open and as TonyWK wrote....."We are here for you"
Even if you are 'stuck' and just need a chat you are more than welcome MR+2 🙂
Really appreciate your kind wishes too x
my kindest for you and your children
Thanyou MR+2. Your feedback means a lot as Paul said.
Be fair but very firm.