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My husband and I have been together 12 years, married for 10. We dated in high school and reconnected in our 30’s. He lived a couple of hours away and because of his situation with his children I moved to be with him.
We both have children from previous relationships and one child together. Raising stepchildren has been hard but rewarding as well. Both have felt that the other could have done better at times and there is blame and regret involved.
6 years ago we bought a house with his sister. I did not want to do this and tried very hard to talk him out of it. This situation did not end well and neither of us speak to his sister anymore. We sold the house and had planned to buy another on our own. As his children are older (youngest turns 18 in Feb) I had asked to move back up the coast where my family was and I thought he agreed to do this. He denied that this was ever his intention. I agreed to stay where we were but was full of resentment. (He never wanted to move away from his children as his own father moved away when he was young and he felt abandoned). This said, he saw his kids once a month at best and they lived with their mother full time.
We started looking at houses to buy together but he soon got cold feet saying he wasn’t ready to buy again and wanted to rent for another 6 months as he didn’t feel the relationship was strong enough. I agreed but again resentfully. He didn’t put effort into trying to repair the relationship but just withdrew from me and the household.
He ended the relationship just before Christmas and I have moved 2 hours back up the Coast. A week later I went down to help clean the rental house and he asked if we could have a break rather than ending the relationship and that once he sorted himself out he would move up to be with me.
I agreed as I would like to still be together and I think we still have a future. There are no other parties involved ie no cheating and neither of us wants to have another relationship.
I have asked him for a time frame and to set the rules for a separation but so far he hasn’t done this. He has been coming up on the weekend and being great but it is hard when he leaves. He works full-time and barely communicates during the week which leaves me upset and anxious. The children and I are living with my mother and I’m not coping all that well. I feel like I’m in limbo and not sure whether to trust that we can rebuild the relationship or whether to just get on with life as if I’m single.
Hi Blk77 and warm welcome to the BB forums
I can completely understand how upset and anxious you are feeling. First he wants to end things, then wants only to have a break - but to continue visiting you on a weekend. Not sure, but for me that's not really a break. From what you've said he needs time to sort himself out. Would that be right?
How about yourself? Do you need time to be single and think more about a relationship with him?
Living with another is hard work, never easy and at times taking a break helps to work out what you want in life. I've lived with my partner for 39 years, married 38. And while we've never had a break from one another, we never had children and in a way we were always able to work on our relationship (never easy). I see in most relationships the children come first - I think this is excellent and necessary. The down side is it often leaves relationships in a difficult place because time isn't allocated to sort out difficulties that exist. For me, communication has been essential, which takes time and effort. Also, give and take - what do you want? From what you've said he seems to be the one making all the demands. You can too you know. Come to a compromise?
If you feel you would benefit from talking through with someone - have you called any help lines? E.g.
- Beyond Blue Support Services 1300 224 636 (or chat online 3pm-12pm www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport)
- Lifeline 13 11 14 (or chat 7pm-4am online www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Sdervices/Crisis-chat)
- Relationships Australia 1300 364 277
Hope some of this helps Blk77.
He has since replayed that he cannot commit to a time frame at all. I have let him know that it is not acceptable to me and I think for now I will have to let go of pursuing the marriage unless he is willing to put some effort in.
Ohhh Blk77 that is sad, though you have to do what is right for you. I'm really glad to hear you told him that's not acceptable. From an outsider looking in, it could be construed he's been stringing you along. And that is even sadder.
Making decisions for you is good. I always found that hurting over a relationship gave me more resilience for the next relationship. Until I learnt what I truly wanted and wasn't prepared to accept anything less (because I mattered!).
Grief over a relationship is normal. I understand how much you are hurting and paining. For me, while the grieving took time, in the long run I've found happiness at the end of this process.
My heart goes out to you, however, I am so pleased you are doing things for you.