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Separation Regret

MayMusic
Community Member

I am separating from my husband of 23 years, but I feel guilty and unsure of whether I’m really doing the right thing. I was widowed very young and he took on me and my children, providing a home, paying for schooling, holidays, etc. He’s always been moody and bad-tempered, but also is very loving and generous with money and gifts. He grew up in a very dysfunctional family, and so I’ve forgiven a lot of moody stuff because of that.

A few years ago, I found texts, emails, chats with other women online. We had counselling and I stayed. Regretfully, I told my adult children all about this and so they all hate him and were disappointed that I initially stayed (but they supported my decision regardless). I feel so bad about sharing that information as I have burdened them with the knowledge, and I’ve effectively destroyed any relationship he had with all of them. Now that am actually leaving, they are all happy about this.

He is completely heartbroken and angry. He says I am his best friend and he’s always done everything for me (like renovating the house, buying nice cars etc), and this is true, but it was the moods, and then his dishonesty which brought me to this point. If I’m honest, I have let my children influence my decision too.

I feel unsure, weak (unable to make my own decision and stick to it) and so conflicted. If I go, our future with a lovely home, security, companionship (despite the moods) is gone and we are both sad. If I stay, I’m pretty sure that my kids will disown me, so I lose my family and that kills me, plus I’ll still be putting up with his bad temper and moods.

I feel stuck in a circle of indecision and regret and I feel wretched. I’d appreciate advice on how to make a decision and feel at peace with it.

5 Replies 5

mmMekitty
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hello MayMagic.

I just wanted to welcome you to the forum. I'm not sure I can be of much help with the big decisions you are facing.

I just wonder, did all the nice things he has bought & done pay for his being dishonest, & in any way treating you with disrespect, taking out his moods - because you are there?

I see it has taken a long time to make a decision, & you are not comfortable with this decision. I think it could help to sit & talk with a counsellor about this decision, how you make decisions, what you need in a relationship, & more, I suspect. These things can be so complicated & overflowing with emotions, so having someone to talk to could help you through this period in your life.

Warm wishes,

mmMekitty

Thank you so much, mmMekitty. You’re right, it is complicated and packed with emotion. I have booked in to a counsellor, so hoping this will help me find a decision I can be at peace with.

mmMekitty
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi MayMusic,

That's great to hear. Please, if you like, let us know how meeting the counsellor goes?

All the best,

mmMekitty

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello MayMusic, this is a tough decision, but what he paid for 'a home, paying for schooling, holidays, etc.' and as a married couple should include you as well, somehow you have contributed to all of this, but if he's been moody and bad-tempered and emailing, texting, and chatting with other women online, that's a concern because you don't know exactly what he's been up to behind your back.

Your kids deserve to feel how they do, and if you leave him, they will be happy and you will be entitled to half of what you presently have.

As we grow older in life we need our kids, this doesn't mean I'm saying what you should do, but as our body slows down, we definitely need the assistance from our kids as well as their love.

Geoff.

MayMusic
Community Member
Thanks Geoff. Food for thought.