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Separation and settlement

Community Member
This will be the second time we have seperated both being my choice. The first time was 4 years ago he wouldn’t leave our home even though we have 2 children who are now 14 and 16 so I had to rent and struggled with that financially. Couldn’t go through with settlement as I was made to feel guilty about him having to pay me out etc so I didn’t go through with it. Now we are here again I just want to be able to have a house of my own and not rent. Friends have said don’t leave the house other wise you will lose all leveridge is this true?
6 Replies 6

Community Member

@Yellow Tulip

I left my husband in July last year and had to rent for the first time in my life!!!

I also left him in 2019 for 7 weeks and he conned me into going back and because I felt guilty I went back

Then I lost my job in November due to Covid...

I have struggled financially as well and have just started a new job 2 weeks ago and moved to a better place.

I was so miserable and unhappy and living my life alone so I made the very difficult decision to leave after 25 yrs!!

I still have bad days where I feel sad and guilty but try to remember the bad times to help myself survive.

Hope you can come to some decision that is not so heartbreaking...

Community Champion
Community Champion

Yellow Tulip

welcome to the forum. It is a confusing time.

I was in a similar position over 20 years ago and was told not to leave the house but the atmosphere was affecting the children. I still got a settlement but it talk a long time and ex had all the control. One of the reasons I left was that his health mentally was deteriorating and I worried about him if he left. He did leave once and lasted a night and then came back and said I had to leave.

Get good legal advice and make notes and dates.

Elsam thanks for your helpful honest post.

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi welcome

Even though others including myself have been through this separation ordeal, it is best for you to seek out a first, and often free, consultation with a family court solicitor.

You will eventually have the house valued, super- his and yours assessed, etc. To enable the court to come to a settlement. Or an offer taken beforehand.

Quirky is right, write everything down including monies paid for the children's expenses.

If the childten isn't 50% staying with both parents make a claim of child support.

Some couples down go down this path in fear or other reason. Believe me, spouses change their attitude after separation.

And the guilt trips? Well I would not tolerate them.

Charity begins at home and that's your interests.


Thank you, when you say make notes and dates what of exactly.

Yellow tulip

I mean as Tony explained writing down all money spent, things that happen and when they happened.

You may have paid for many items in house or done paid or unpaid work over the years.

List all this as all contributions whether money or voluntary or things you made for the house.

As Tony mentioned try to get maybe a free first interview as some legal firms offer this. There is legal aid if you qualify.

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Yello Tulip and everyone else, my wife left me a few times, only because I was working long hours 7 days a week and not being able to spend any time with her and our 2 sons, at the time I was devastated but now in hindsight, I understand how she felt, however, the last time was the just that, she filed for divorce and had moved out, our sons were old enough to live by themselves, but at this stage, she had given up on me having depression and wanted to start over again.

The property had to be sold and it was up to me to pack everything away in boxes, a long tedious job, especially the garage and once it was sold it was 50/50 split.

In your case YT if you wanted to settle, then he had to come up with the money and if this couldn't be obtained, then the house had to be sold and the dividends split and if his only regret was that he couldn't pay you out, no blame should be put onto you, simply because you aren't sure whether you are going to leave at another time, so your position may not have altered and how do you know whether the marriage will be patched up or not.

If you do want to leave then he needs to pay you out or the house is sold, then you can live rent free.