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Separating but how do I cope?

Community Member

Hi all,

I have been married for 7 years / no children. My husband has got a lot of issues that stemmed from his rough childhood. He's got a bad temper and can be abusive to me. I always gave him a pass because of his issues. Anyways, I thought we were happy. He was my rock and I'd like to think I was to to him. He have friends but no one really close. Same as me. We are best friends ans inseparable. I think we were happy for the first half of the marriage but because I was enduring the abuse from him, I let myself go. I developed depression and gained weight and I think that's when the marriage started to crumble. I've place him a pedestal but in the process I have neglected myself. I also felt very low because he would call me names. It affected my confidence and I didn't feel like myself anymore.

So fast forward to now, 3 weeks ago he wants to separate. I was shocked and didnt see that coming at all. We just got back from a month holiday and there were no signs whatsoever. I gave him the space he needed where he gone out every night with people he met online. One night, while staying at a girls place, he texted me saying hes making a mistake and that it is not worth throwing a marriage away. Of course, I took him back like always. Then a few days back i found out he was back to chatting online again. I confronted him and told him that I am tired. He wants to separate and wants out of the marriage. He is not inlove with me anymore he said. A few days after that he met a girl and then a few days later posted a photo together with the girl on social media. I was so hurt and embarrassed by what he did. I am not ready to tell the world that my marriage has broke down.

Now we are separating but still living together until he or I can find a place to move. At the moment, were like zombies, we see each other at home, we still cook dinner for each other too. But I can see in his eyes his hatred towards me, what did I do wrong? I fought for him and our marriage when I wanted to give up several times in the past. But for him, its so easy to just say I dont want to be married anymore much more find a replacement. I want to fix him so bad but it ended up breaking me.

i need help. What do I do? I dont have my family here and all I got are a few friends.

Sorry for the long post and sorry too, english is not my first language. Thank you for reading and looking forward to reading your replies.

4 Replies 4

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Cebuana,

Thank you for sharing, that is very brave of you. What an incredible journey you have been on and having to be strong for so long and to see him experience other people and to still continue to have him in your life, that must have been incredibly hard, your a better person than me. To rise above it and to still fight for this man and to be so understanding of his issues because of his difficult past. I think you have to recognise that you really did give this relationship all that you had and more. To the point that you became depressed within yourself and stopped taking caring of yourself and your wellbeing. It must be very hard to live with someone that has said that they don't want to continue with the relationship as well. I think this must be an incredibly tough time for you but hopefully when you are living in seperate accomodation you will have some peace and some perspective and time to heal. Is there anyone that you could stay with even one night here and there? I do think its important to have support so please call us on 1300 22 4636 or get a referral from your GP to see someone to help you get through this difficult time and of course you can chat to us here. I think the main thing is to take care of yourself even in the smallest ways you can. Going for a walk , doing meditation, having a bath, just something nurturing for yourself each day. I like to journal and colour in but thats me. I guess you have to accept the situation for what it is right now and if he has asked for a seperation then that is what he wants and you just have to plan for that. You never know what the future holds but we do the best we can in the now. Sometimes we don't know why things happen and we don't get the answers to satisfy ourselves and that can be really hard. I like to listen to nice talks on you tube ( jack kornfield) or Doreen Virtue or Marianne Williamson, something calming and positive. I like to do lots of positive affirmations and try to look for the good in each day, even if it is simply getting through it. I really feel for you and I wish you all the best, each day is new and you are not alone. Please let us know how you are going if that feels right for you. Best Wishes Nikkir x

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello Cebuana, and thanks Nikkir for your excellent reply, the main problem is that you have forgiven him time after time which to him means that he hasn't really done anything wrong by you, as you have taken him back, however it's not in any way to treat you by abusing you, that's way out of line and no wife should have to put up with this, just as it's not when a male is also being abused unfortunately this does happen.
What you have been trying to do is accept him for what he is, hoping that all of this could change and him to stop abusing you, but it never works like this, it's only reinforcement for him, so he will keep on doing this highly disrespectful behaviour.
At the moment he has been pushing you away and knowing that he has been talking to other girls online as well as going out with who ever he can attract, is certainly not a husband who loves his wife, and really you shouldn't keep giving in to him, because the same is always going to happen.
I know that you don't want your marriage to end, but is it a marriage, or some r/ship where he can say and do exactly what only he wants to do, with no consideration for how you feel.
I'm sorry but to be able to change what he does will be impossible, because people like this never change, but end up an unhappy person destroying r/ships along the way.
Can I suggest that you go and visit your GP who can then begin your journey to recover, but you have to remember that none of this is your fault, it's within his personality to behave like this, and he won't want to change anything, he can go out with other girls but then you want him back home, please stop taking him back and tell him to go, so that you now get the help that you definitely need. Geoff. x

Community Member

Hi Nikkir,

Thank you for your kind words. I did get a referral to a psychologist on the 21 of this month. But so many out-of-pocket expenses. $50 booking fee then its $120 per session and Medicare rebate is $80. Is this normal?

I've always thought I was strong but this is is beyond me. First, I have no family and not much friends here and grew up shelthered. This is a first for me and it is hard and the coping with grief and extreme sadness and disappointment just overwhelms me. I want to be strong but sometimes breaking down is a much more better choice. X

Community Member

Hi Geoff,

You are absolutely right. I am still in the stage where I want to hate him for everything but I cant find it deep in my heart to do so. I know and aware of all the things he did but I keep seeing the good in him rather than the bad. And I want it to stop because I won't be able to move forward if I keep thinking this way.