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Separated - the final straw was a phone call from my husband just now

Community Member

i am not sure where to start but its yet another day like this that makes me wonder what I did wrong again.  i am mid 30, have two children one in primary one yet to start, and what used to be a great husband. who left me towards the end of 2013 after 9 yrs of marriage and 12 yrs together. he was my everything.  he said he wanted to spend time with his family, mainly his mother, who just didn't like me no matter how hard I tried ( and yes i really did try, i wanted her to be happy i was married to her son). we tried counselling but that was just a waste of time and money. he moved out with friends then decided he wanted the house as he didn't want to pay for it if i was living there, leaving me to move back in with my parents with my two kids, 120kms from where we knew 'home'. meant changing schools and agghhh was just simply hard.

move fwd, he hired a lawyer, has spent thousands on fees, court costs and now I've got a lawyer.  after 18 months he's ruined me.  i have only just managed to get the kids to see him on weekends, they come home totally upset, having nightmares and saying they don't want to go back (he has now got a new girlfriend who has 2 kids of similar ages) he complains to me that he loves his kids but they are misbehaving and have bad language.. this totally upsets me as i know our kids are not perfect but nobody is.  they are 3 and 7... hardly grown up and the eldest really misses not having her mummy and daddy living together.


the final straw has come with a phone call from him just now... i used to run a small after school business teaching sport activities, his lawyer did a report to say its worth 90k a year... where do i earn that much???!! i wish.  i pretty much gave up my career when i married him and had kids... have moved further and further away from my friends and family so he could progress in his work.. now he's on his 200k a year job, got our house (i had no income and no money and he cut up my cards when he left so i couldn't pay mortgage) .. him and his lawyer are taking me to court to prove i closed down my after school business just so i could get more from him.. it feels horrible.  i loved and trusted this man for years, now i get horrid phone calls, abusive texts and messages. i even changed my mobile number but was forced to give it to him.. his sister even sends abusive messages saying I'm not worthy.

 i hate life, i love my kids but I'm sick of crying and feeling like such a failure. 


5 Replies 5

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Dreaming14,

Welcome to the forums, glad you were able to join us here even though it's not under the best of circumstances. It sounds like the breakdown of your marriage has hit you really hard and you are blaming yourself for a lot of what's happened, even though you are on the receiving end of some emotionally abusive behaviour.

Some of our other members should be along soon to respond to you, but in the meantime please have a look through the threads below, from other members who have been through similar separations involving emotionally abusive behaviour. Although the circumstances are not all the same, I'm sure you will be able to relate to the feelings and hopefully reach out to these other members so you can provide some  support for each other:

Stress and anxiety from dealing with a break up

Anxiety and abusive relationship

Emotional abuse?

Hi Dreaming14, Welcome

Firstly you said "he didnt want to pay for a house he wasnt living in". I agree with him there. He wasnt happy in the marriage for whatever reason and he was paying for the house but living elsewhere. Unless you were able to pay for the house yourself?. He likely had expenses at this other place. What he earns is irrelevant. The more he earns the more child support you pay so it is in your favour if he earns a lot. Is there a reason why you couldnt rent nearby your old home?

 If I was in his situation I'd fight hard to get my fair share because I worked for my fair share and am entitled to it. If I didnt chances are the next guy she married would benefit from my share. Are you of the opinion he should continue paying for you to live in that home? f so thats not how life works.

It sounds like your mother in law has an influence with her son. But it is your husband that allowed that influence to have a significant bearing on him. People often dont like other people, its their right. But your son allowed that dislike to take hold

Your sister in law is sending you messages. Talk to your solicitor about stopping that with a letter

"after 18 months he's ruined me." with the legal costs. Again he has rights. He wants to pursue every avenue to get his fair share. When it comes to rights you cannot argue for someone not to want to exercise them. Just like it is your right to do the same. If you cannot afford them you need to work to earn the income to pay for legal expenses. Or have it taken out of your share of the estate?

Your children come back to you upset from visits.This is sad. He is just as much a parent as you are, has the right to discipline them while in his care. If your children are not behaving appropriately in his view then he should and does take action. Children will make up their minds as to whether they want to go for these visits or not until then there is zero you can do. What you are suffering now is the negative side of poor communication between both parents.You're trying your best. One day ring him or chat and suggest you put the past behind you for the benefit of the children. Then discuss what you both decide on in terms of the childrens behaviour and upbringing. Kids will adapt

He,or his solicitor can claim anything they like in terms of earnings.Keep all records.

One day things will settle.Then have cafe meetings to discuss the kids issues. If he doesnt reach out back to you then you've done your best

Take care.

Tony WK



thanks for the replies but in all honesty Tony I don't think you grasp the situation.  I am certainly not arguing anything in relation to him getting what he wants.... unfortunately at the beginning of the relationship I had a house I owned, I was working and had a career.  since getting married i had to give it up, sell the house as he wanted to move 100kms away, i ended up with a sick child when born and spent most of my time looking after the children.  i didn't work and continued to support his career, he was never at home spending more time on his job and his fitness and going out with his friends. often he would leave at 430am and not return until 630pm. hardly conducive to family life, on top of this 10 yrs later he walks out knowing full well i had no money as he was in charge of everything - i had no accounts in my name, it was all his. all the things you take for granted in a relationship as being equals...it certainly was not the case. i was left with two young children, the youngest only a year old. no family support as we kept moving to be closer to his family and away from mine, and no job as I had then been out of the workforce for 12 years. i had no way of paying for anything - and i couldn't get any assistance from centreline = BECAUSE of his wage.  nothing. i borrowed money from my parents just to buy basic groceries.  he told me to go him for child support... his words.  then when i put the application in he started accusing me of al sorts of silly things that just weren't true. on top of this he refused to put in his tax return... and only last month finally got around to doing his 2012-2013 year...

i couldn't rent anywhere as i had no references, no income, no money. it was heartbreaking. he refused to see the children as it interfered with 'his free time' or so he said. how do you tell kids their dad is too busy?  i was always making excuses for him. 

 now i still struggle with assistance because we have a house.. in joint names.  which i want sold but he's not so sure, and in legal terms its so so expensive and i just dong have a spare $450 to go and see a lawyer for 20 mins to get them to write him a letter getting the house sold. so it has to go through the family court.. and that in itself takes ages. i am not asking for anything except a 50/50 split, i just want out and away from him. he has a very surplus income and sees his lawyer whenever he wants, i simply can't afford this and struggle to get through each week. 


Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

dear Dreaming, I presume that the house you owned was put into this current house, if I am correct, as I'm just working out all the circumstances.

References could be obtained by your bank, maybe the Real Estate, your own accountant while you were working, and any high profile customers.

Now if you own half the current house you can ask him to buy you out or other than that put the house on the market, which you are fully entitled to do if the idea is to finally divorce him, so you could then go to a Real Estate and tell them to sell the house, so by doing this will force him to make a decision.

Google this 'estranged from husband's and live in same house' and 'what rights does an estranged wife have'.

In the meantime you can also go to centrelink and tell them that you are estranged from your husband, telling them that he won't give you any money, you're living in different houses, where you are staying with your parents, and all the rest that you have mentioned, it's not going to be a quick solution and there will be forms to fill in, and many questions asked, where you will have to give them a recent receipt of your bank account.

There are also emergency houses that are available, or you could try Anglicare who can assist you.

See how you go. L Geoff. x

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Dreaming

The difficulty here is your financial situation. As far as legalities go, he is entitled to do as he pleases ans you must correspond- fight back legally.

 Geoff offers sound advice. All I was doing was telling you what he can do legally. Whether its moral or not is not my issues to comment on. Just ask yourself at every crossroad if he has a right to do such and such...if he does then apart from negotiation you have no avenue to contest.

And the only avenue to safeguard your assets is to employ a lawyer to do so. Furthermore, now a days the court takes into account your financial situation before your relationship began. So your initial equity might be taken into account. For this reason get a lawyer ven if you have to pay him/her weekly pamyents or a slice of the settlement.

But you initial post has several issues raised that he has rights to exercise and you were unhappy with that. And that was what my post was built on,,,that he has rights and in your situation it often doesnt matter about the little things at the end of the day....the court settlement is what you should be focussed on not the claims and the counter cliams.

There is a lot of unjust claims but as Geoff said there is ways to get by.

Tony WK