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Separated, lonely, confused and suffocating
My girlfriend and I recently separated, it was strange, we are so in love but cause each other pain due to our differences in communication. Before my girlfriend packed her bags and left, we cried in each other’s arms for a while, and told each other how much we loved the other. Seeing her leave was the hardest thing I’ve had to do.
Im from England, and she’s from Germany, we met a year ago in New Zealand and have been travelling ever since. I thought she was my life partner, I still think that actually. We got so deep with our love but that also comes with downsides if you’re with each other 24/7.
I’m currently at a work-away (a place where you work for Accomodation and food, doing gardening/chores etc.). The women who owns the house is really chill, we lived in an outhouse with it’s own facilities. I have not left this outhouse/my bed for 48 hours, I have not eaten in 48 hours. Every 15 minutes or so I cry uncontrollably which I’ve never done before, it feels like the first time I’ve actually cried properly, I’m 27.
My best friend at home in the UK has deleted all means of contact, my other friends don’t think so deeply as to help out, my family... well my mum found out last year that my dad was having an affair after 35 years of marriage, she found out he’d spent all of their money on prostitutes and the like, the last thing she told me is that she’s scared to leave the house and is in deep depression, she said the only thing that is keeping her going is knowing I’m happy travelling which breaks my heart even more. Nobody has spoken to my dad for nearly a year. My brother is in a dark place and has been for a while, he drinks and has never had a job.
I’m so lonely and broken, I don’t know anybody in this country, I have no money or plans anymore, I’m scared to go outside and I don’t know why, everything reminds me of her, I’m in a very dark place with my thoughts. My heart is in so much pain, I googled why it hurts and it’s quite interesting, but sucks either way. I can’t get it to stop aching, I struggle to breathe sometimes.
All I want is her back but she’s confirmed it over so that’s that. I need advice on how I get back to normal, considering I’m hiding away, unable to eat and considering the worst. Has anyone else lost the one they thought they’d grow old with?
I feel pathetic writing this, knowing so many other people have much bigger problems and all that happened to me was separation after a year.
Thanks for reading this.
Worth pointing out that there is absolutely nothing nearby. I’d have to hitchhike anywhere and then hitchhike back. I’m not in the best of spots so can’t even get away.
I'm really sorry you are feeling this way. It's not pathetic at all. It is the loss of something special and no matter how long it's been, those deep feelings you have for someone are real, and so it hurts. After my break up, I saw my doctor and she said it's important to let the tears flow, so I'm glad you're doing that. Don't feel embarassed, just let it all out. I lost my appetite for a bit too, but it comes back.
What I do think is important though is to physically pick yourself up and try going through the motions of normalcy. Sitting idle with our thoughts is no place to be. Try showering, try eating, try going outside for a walk. Even if you cry through it all. That's ok. Just do it anyway.
If you want to chat, I'm happy to chat to you. It sounds like you don't have much support around you. There's also the Beyond Blue phone line you can call. Or Lifeline if you don't feel safe. But I'm glad you've posted here. This is a safe and supportive space to share.
Kind thoughts, Katy