Separated for 4 years and it still hurts

[Fred22]

Hi

I’ve posted elsewhere about starting a new job and getting through that and out of the blue all these really heavy emotions and feelings about my wife and my daughter came flooding out.

it hurts so much and I thought I was controlling it over the years but with all this happening it just came out snd is crushing me - I want them back in my life / but they won’t snd I am so alone, no friends, no relationships, no life - very miserable

i have no idea how to make friends, form relationships or to ever trust anyone again - has anybody got any advice please?

[blondguy]

Hello Fred

Thankyou for being a part of the Beyond Blue forum family!

You are definitely not alone here Fred. I feel your pain as I have been through the same......and yes..it hurts

The trust in relationships can be a pain to re-establish but will come back to you. I am not an expert on anything Fred. I am here after being made redundant from my job in 2016.

Can I ask you if you have even a basic support network? I have 3 people that are there for me to talk to (just sharing with you) You remind me of myself as I also had a partner and daughter as a family too.

Accepting the current situation can work well instead of 'controlling it'. Can I ask you if you have a GP that you confide in? I am fortunate as I do and he has helped me so much after my separation. Even though counseling is a good decision.....a good GP can bring us some peace. (I still see my doc every 4 weeks for a 'fine tune')

You have done so very well by posting on the forums Fred. It takes an incredible amount of courage to do so and good on you! (I didnt have your strength to post on my own thread topic for weeks after I joined in 2016)

you are not alone.....and I hope you can post back with your thoughts Fred. This is your thread

my kind thoughts

Paul

[Croix]

Dear Fred22~

I've read your other threads about treatment, the new psych, and preparing to start this new job. If I understand right you had your first day yesterday.

All the apprehension and worry, fear of stuffing up and all is totally understandable, and to battle though all that and want to work is admirable. I realy hope you managed that first day OK. Hopefully the management is understanding and supportive, I think you said they were pretty good.

Looking forward to retirement is all very well, I suspect when you find your feet it won't seem so important, your abilities will come out and you will feel better.

I'm sure you know, and I can back it up first hand, that anxiety does not confine itself to just one thing, if I'm feeling bad about one thing my general anxiety level increases and I feel bad about other things too. Plus I regard myself very badly.

I'd imagine the loss of you wife and child will have really hit you because of this situation, plus maybe the memories of before going to work when they were around - I'm guessing here.

I have found with great grief and missing someone very dear that there is no way to stop those feelings. For me they lessened only when other things in my life took my attention. In short I ended up in a new permanent relationship, and while I missed those from before the hurt gradually went away until now I can actually look back and remember good times.

You asked about making friends, relationships and trust. I'll talk about trust first. This is something that is repaired by two people, not just you alone. When (not if) you get close to someone they will know of your past and how it has affected you. If they love you they will ensure what they do enhances feelings of security and reliability, they will do it on purpose to put you at ease. I'm sure you will do the same for them. In time you will realize you are not waiting for the bad to happen.

It takes time.

As for meeting people and forming friendships. I'm sure you can think of ways to meet, though hobbies, voluntary work, clubs and societies, even a course of study. What I'd imagine will be hard for you is to realize how much you have to offer another. I know one thing you have straight away, and that is a deep understanding of someone else if they have been thought the things you have. There will be many other gifts you have to give others too.

I would like to know how you are getting on

Croix

[Fred22]

Thank you so much and I think you are spot on and have connected my issues well - but I am to shy / scared to move outside of work or home

[Croix]

Dear Fred22~

I guess the first thing to say is I don't always know myself as well as I think I do, I never thought I'd be able to stand in front of a class and explain something complicated. In my previous occupation as I became ill standing up in front of others became a big problem. Now it's OK.

A lot of anxiety and shyness does revolve around circumstances. I found I could concentrate on the message I wanted to get across and then the whole procedure became easier. Took a while.

Do you think if - for example - you did a bit of volunteering with animals you might feel less as if you were the center of attention?

The other way to look at it is that if something needs doing and is important, that can spur you on.

I hope you will not think I'm being heartless or minimizing what you are going though however your life at the moment is not good, you do feel alone, and being with others can improve things a lot. True it is partly luck, but it is also partly you steering things to get the best outcomes.

Am I pushing too much?

Croix

[Fred22]

Hi

no not pushing to hard - I agree but it is trying to work out what to volunteer for what to get involved in what clubs, associations - all to hard or am I just to lazy?

Today I am sitting at my desk totally lost, alone, frightened and miss the person who I thought would be my partner in life for that support - fighting back tears now - it is all just to hard

[Croix]

Dear Fred22

My partner was retrenched, RIF'd or whatever you call it several years ago and thought volunteering would be a good stop-gap until something came along. So she simply breezed up to a well known charitable organization which accepted her straight away. Within a reasonably short space of time she found the work trivial, the supervision terrible and satisfaction zero. So she went elsewhere, it clicked, and that has led on to her continuing to volunteer even though she has since found employment.

What I'm trying to say is it is better to attempt something in the volunteering area as the whole deal is somewhat different from job seeking. You try, if it is not a good fit you try again. Each time you gain more knowledge of what you realy need.

No you are not lazy, you are trying to get out from under a huge load that inevitably acts as a break on you doing things. Yes it is hard, which is why you have to push, it gets easier then. Tears can be embarrassing - tell me about it - but will pass

Croix