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Separated after a long time

Community Member


I have just separated from my husband after 19 years of marriage. I didn't see it coming and was in love with him. He wasn't interested in going to see anyone to try and fix it or work on our marriage. I realise now we have very different core values. However how do you get over a broken heart? How and when do you move on?

6 Replies 6

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

How shattering and yes, I’ve had 4 long term relationships and each one broke my heart including my first marriage that involved two young daughters.

So, I found that time is the best healer but time can’t be rushed. Distraction helps enormously particularly when physical energy is spent so you sleep better eg I built my own house and worked 3 jobs. Too tired and occupied to reflect.

After some time you’ll then see things clearer especially your differences and why the separation was meant to be.

Low self esteem is hard to overcome. So there is practical ways you can front it, see below


beyondblue topic the best praise you’ll ever get

beyondblue topic distraction and variety

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Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Honestly, thanks for posting your comment.

This is quite a difficult situation because sometimes we never expect to get separated even though conditions aren't the best, especially when one of you loves your spouse.

Perhaps if your husband doesn't want to see anybody, he maybe in denial, not that I'm qualified to say, but as you're pregnant there is a chance he will want to contact you to see how the baby is, and I only say this from experience.

A couple can still live a life together even if they have different core values, you can still optimise what you both do, such as you maybe interested in the garden while he wants to restore furniture, are these what maybe happening, it's only a guess.

Please let us know if you want to.


Community Member

Hi Honestly

I know exactly how you feel. The same thing happened to me after 30+ years of marriage. We had our normal minor issues, but overall I thought the marriage was rock solid. I didn't see it coming either.

Like you, I wanted to try and work it out with the help of a counsellor; my wife was not even willing to try. Overnight her behaviour changed and I no long know who she is; she is now a complete stranger to me.

In answer to your questions; we will move on, but I don't think that we will ever get over it completely. A "normal person" cannot walk away from a long term marriage unscathed.

By way of advice, I would encourage you to open up and share with others going through a similar experience in this forum. In this way, you might find the support and understanding you need to move forward.

Just a suggestion! There is no magic bullet.

Community Member
gosh honesty me that is my story...27 years then its over..its terrifying and cried so much today gave myself a headache...its awful..
all i can say is keep moving forward as best you can

Community Member
Not sure you ever get over it.... I split from an ex fiancé 25 years ago and think of her almost daily,... You move on when you are ready only you know the answer to that...I wish you well.

Community Member
I've been divorced twice and the second was harder than the first. I know what I went through - the anger, the sense of betrayal and the sense that I was to blame for this - if I had been a better husband..!? These are natural feelings and hard to work through. I found that accepting those feelings and letting them run their course - maybe even embracing them - was probably the first step to getting past the divorce. I look back on that time now - not with anger, not with regret, not with distress - I look at it as only one chapter of my life.