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Self sabotage?

Community Member


i am a 30yof. In the past I have had 2 relationships that ended up hurting me very badly. I have seen a psychologist regularly and after about a year of significant depression I have finally started to feel better, which is completely amazing. It took a lot of very hard work. But I got here.

Recently I met a guy and we have started dating. He has some baggage. But I figure everyone does. He seems very genuine. Very respectful and very honest. He’s been a true gentleman.

However my anxiety has been triggered. I feel terrified that it’s going to spiral down and I will get hurt again. And I’m honestly not sure I have it in me to potentially get my heart broken again. I am definitely spending a lot of time over thinking. Playing out every possible scenario but I only ever come to a negative outcome. Every thing in me wants to cut and run. But. Will I spend my whole life running and possibly miss out on something really good.

I guess I needed to vent. I need advice. How do people with anxiety cope with this kind of thing?

3 Replies 3

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Afraid 99

Welcome to Beyond Blue. Anxiety is a horrible thing and has us second guessing ourselves so often that we lose all sense of direction. You have told us how hard you worked to manage your depression and it's great you are feeling much better. Congratulations, it's not an easy task to accomplish.

Once bitten, twice shy is the saying and it really is a dilemma knowing who to trust and who is untrustworthy. The other side of the anxiety is about yourself, will I be able to trust or will I be too scared to take the risk.

I think firstly take it slowly. It's so nice to have someone who wants to be with us and cares that it's easy to rush ahead. I was once told to listen to my body and think about what I was saying to myself. Sometimes I find it helpful but it only seems to work when I have some detachment from whatever is happening. Being emotionally involved does not allow a clear look at the situation. Then our anxieties kick in and off we go on the merry-go-round of doubt and uncertainty.

So what can we do about it? Did you ever talk with your psychologist about making decisions when you are anxious or remembering your past. You said he had baggage, it really depends on which particular baggage he has and how it affects your anxiety.

For example my husband had a nasty childhood and grew up determined to be master in his own home. I knew little of this for several years and was shocked. I felt sad for him because of this and tried to help but he was not interested. Just let him call the shots and all would be well. Not a happy partnership. I left.

I have wondered about a new relationship and concluded I am too afraid to try. You are not afraid and have met someone you care about and presumably who cares about you. You are asking if this romance will turn out the same as previous romances. The difficulty is that this man may be wonderful and you will settle down with him. Or he may be equally as wonderful but one day the magic goes and so does he. I think you feel that he is a good man.

Although I have tried to make some comments to help you, I think in the end you need to trust yourself and your instincts. Let the relationship develop and simply wait a while. Try not to worry. I know that's not easy and not like turning off a tap. Make sure you have your own life as well as a life with your new BF. I think he will either get bored and leave or will become closer to you and your family.


Community Member

Hi Afraid99,

you need to tell him where you have come from (about your depression) and see what his reaction is, My wife (2nd wife!) sufferers from depression, and when I first met her (started dating) it was the opening line to our relationship, about her depression and what she struggles with, we have lasted 17 years (but we are going through her midlife crisis! and having "time apart") I had a HEAP of baggage from my 1st wife (I had been separated from my 1 st wife, for 7 months after I found out she had been sleeping around with a few people, ...took it upon herself to have an open marriage) !

your fear is relevant, and if he is as genuine as you think he is this shouldn't be a deal breaker, might even make for a great footing for a relationship. Hope it works for you.

Iron Forge.


his baggage is the breakdown of a 10yr + marriage in the last 6 months. And he has kids. The kids are a non issue for me. At our ages it’s unlikely to meet someone without kids. It’s the recency of the separation. He vows he’s completely ready to move on. That he had emotionally left the marriage before he physically left.

However. He’s extremely busy with the legalities involved in divorce. It takes a significant amount of time. Which is probably normal, however I feel like it puts him in a place where he is not ready for a relationship. Added into that, children visitation is starting to become an issue with the ex changing dates and times to times he works therefore stopping him seeing them.

I feel like I’m in a vulnerable position.