Self sabotage destroyed my relationship

[ocean_dreams]

I've had depression on and off since I was a teenager. My partner has had depression too & have been with him for nearly 2 yrs, but as of last week he told me he doesn't want to be with me anymore. We haven't had the easiest of relationships, when we met mid 2013 we were both volunteering & unemployed (I am a geologist & I had not long left university early 2012, he works in the automotive industry in a niche area). I got a job in 2013 & he got a job at the end 2013. Things seemed to be going well. We decided to move out together in Feb 2014, only for him to be fired in March (long story & very much not his fault). During March I had to go on 2 trips overseas which I couldn't cancel. I still feel guilty for it now for not being there for him. I had a high pressure and stressful job, the commute daily up to 3hrs rtn & would come home exhausted & pass out on the couch leaving him alone again. He eventually got a job while I was away on my 2nd trip which I was so happy for him. Eventually we were both stressed out with the commute, so we moved & we had our sanity back. Meanwhile I was still stressed & still falling asleep on the couch. I left my job due to the stress (lack of support from direct manager) & decided to start a business so I could work doing something I love. The past 7 months have been awful, I have struggled with starting my business & spiraled back into depression. My partner did so much to help me but because of my mind set I didn't accept it. He too has felt depressed with his job & with health. I saw my doc in Oct last year & went back on anti depressants which I had to wean myself off slowly because they made me feel zombie-esque despite being on a low dose. The brain fog was awful. My partner pleaded with me to see a psych but I wouldn't because I had bad experiences in the past with them. I am struggling with why would anyone want to listen to me, what I have to offer. My partner has always encouraged me and lifted me up.. I struggle to believe in it. He ask how I was going with everything & lied to him because I was ashamed to say I was failing & struggling.   I am now faced with being without him as he says he needs to be alone. He said he has tried so much to help me but doesn't know what to do, can't deal with it anymore. I am worried for him being alone. He says he still loves & cares for me & wants to see me get on my feet. I feel like this is all my fault, because of self sabotage my relationship has fallen apart.

[Neil_1]

Dear Ocean Dreams

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for coming here and providing your post.

Oh boy, there’s a lot that’s happened and in fact, in a relatively short space of time, over just the last couple of years or so.

So you moved in together in Feb 2014 and now it appears that it is “over”?  Has he moved out yet or are you still living together?

There’s other things to also consider when this happens, so I hope you’re ok to still continue with the renting (if that’s what you were doing?)

Is your business starting to come together now?   Would be well over half a year now – and as you’ve described it would have been tough and pretty stressful getting it set up.  But as you also said, it was doing something that you love, so that must hopefully fill you with some satisfaction – I really hope that that is working out for you.

When we’re battling this illness, it makes it so hard – not only on us, but on our close loved ones & you’ve described your relationship as not being the easiest one either, so that tells me a little, that perhaps it might not have been a ‘good fit’, if it wasn’t easy, and yet, you only met a relatively short time ago.  I read where he’s said to you that he still loves you, cares for you and wants to see you get back on your feet – which I believe would be very much your feelings back towards him also.  And they are great sentiments to hold.

Now, he’s the one who has asked for the break up – he’s the one who has instigated all this, so where you’ve said that you worry about him being alone, this is ONE worry that I would throw out the window, this is one stressor that shouldn’t be an issue for you, because this split is something that he wanted, so there’s no need to be worrying for him in that regard.

I believe you’ve got to try & get yourself some support & assistance – and I think getting back to your doc as soon as you can would be a great thing.  Ok, so the meds that were given last year didn’t gel with you – but there are so many others out there, so I’d be asking the doc for not the same ones, obviously, but something along those lines, as they all slightly different & so another type may not have such an effect on you.  You can only give it a try – because if you do strike one that settles you ok, then that makes a world of difference.

Same with psyches as well – but I fear I’ve run out of space.

Would be great to hear from you. 

Neil

[geoff]

dear OD, I am pleased that my good friend Neil has responded to you and I agree with what he has said.

It's been a struggle for the both of you, and a counsellor would want to listen to you, no matter how you think that they won't, that's their job.

From the beginning of your post I felt as though the rest of it was going to end up upsetting for you, so this is indeed a worry for us.

Your post seems to be so caring for him, but I'm not excluding that he wants you to get back on your feet, but he wants time out from the relationship, and I'm not sure whether it's being by yourself that worries you, or whether it's the worry for him, but blaming yourself and criticising yourself.

Relationships have been a common post by many people lately, so I hope that you can read some or all of them which might help you.

We form a relationship and then think it's going to be like this for the rest of our lives, but problems and disharmony appear, so understandably it breaks our heart, but when we form a 'permanent' union, we still have arguments and non-agreement but we have to overcome this, and by saying this it's by no way criticising you, just saying. L Geoff. x