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Self confidence at an all time low

Community Member


New to this. After being married for 13 years and single for 10 more I recently fell  in love with a colleague at work.

I didn't think I would feel this kind of love again and I would safely say the feelings surpassed that with my wife.

I've been feeling  insecure in the relationship (which I've never felt in any relationship before). Despite the fact she has repeatedly stated her love for me she is generally what I'd consider a poor communicator - basically sharing information on a need-to-know basis - only what she thinks I need to  know. I've  clearly expressed my hypersensitivity to not being in the know as a result of my ex wife's affair. She's fiercely independent and seems to think that just stating her love covers all the other stuff off.

ive found this so unbearable in the past that I've broken things off - TWICE! 

To make matters worse, her previous relationship was with a woman, she's 16 years younger than me and when i was required to apply for my job recently and decided not too, she did and was successful.

I've been seeing a psychologist off and on for the last 10 years and recently have started taking antidepressants as its all too much.

My 'girlfriend' and I are now dating to see if we can make things work but I have very strong feelings of resentment and envy.

I've never been jealous or overly envious. I'm very aware that I'm giving her a hard time due to my feelings and my history but as she doesn't really  share a lot I keep finding myself questioning the relationship. My ego is really taking a bashing as a result of her doing my old job.

I don't know if m feeling negative because of the circumstances, because of her communication style or if it's just my baggage. I also wonder if I'm just plain scared of being hurt having not been in love like this for 10 years.

I've typically been very confident, positive and motivated but these  last few months I just want to crawl under a rock.  

I've really lost any sense of perspective even though I have so much to be grateful for.

i really want to make the relationship work but the unsure nature of it feels so much like the state I was in when my wife and I were trying to work things out that I just can't help but be negative- I'm really fearful that I'm  going to ruin this relationship but at the same time I worried that maybe Its not really a healthy relationship and I just can't see the wood for the trees.

well that was a download 


1 Reply 1

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Rick,

Thanks for reaching out to BB.

My opinion from reading this is that it all could be a combination of everything; the fact that you've been through so much before being with your girlfriend as well as her lack of communication/communication style.

I think the best way to work through this is to try and find a compromise that works with you both. I can understand that because of your history you would be feeling envy and resentment, however as with any relationship there also needs to be a level of trust, honesty and understanding.

Is there a way that you can meet her halfway?  Perhaps if you're wondering where she is constantly she could meet you halfway by sending a text message to check in - this would be an ideal balance by respecting her needs and privacy while also respecting you and your wants.

It might also help to bring her along to the counselling session or to talk about this with your psychologist; maybe your psychologist might have an idea of how to approach this with her.  I feel like both of you need to be upfront, honest and great communicators as a foundation for the relationship.  If there are issues now with her communicating or only sharing information a 'need to know basis' then I think this should be prioritised higher so that you guys can deal with things early before they become a hassle.

I also think that it would be useful (if it's not the case already) for you to develop some interests and hobbies or friends outside of work.  Sometimes it can be quite overwhelming when both work is stressful and the relationship is stressful - so if you can incorporate time for just you then I think this will help you feel a bit better and also more confident.  Whether that's joining a sport, going fishing or anything that you find relaxing and can help you switch your mind off from work/home life.

Hope this helps. Good luck.