Self abandonment and Loneliness

[understanding90]

Hi everyone.
I'm a 30yo Male who has recently split with my partner of 18months.
Our relationship for the last 9 months consisted of a lot of clashing over mostly basic day to day topics like who does this, who does that, who pays for this, etc etc. In hindsight it seems shamefully inconsequential. The things i'm struggling with most at the moment are loneliness and regret. I live alone and 80% of my friends I met through her so now I am spending most of my time feeling lost and alone. I also quit my job when we broke up - she had been encouraging me to leave it and make a change for a year but I never had the courage to do so.
I feel regretful because I have been through other breakups in my life where I don't make changes required of me throughout a relationship that are causing me discontent which then affects my happiness and the way that I treat my partner. I often end up pushing them away emotionally and dreaming of a escape. I've come to realise that most of the problems that I see in the world and in my relationships are within my mind and my perspective of the world. I feel really disheartened that i'm nearly 31 and now have had a few failed relationships under similar circumstances. Why do I find it so hard to 'be a responsible man' and commit to loving myself, my life and my partners?
I constantly try to change external factors rather than looking within and doing the inner work.
I've started seeing a psychologist, 3 sessions so far and planning to do many more and i'm going to study psychology because I have a keen interest in it now. But at the moment each day is really hard, I often feel crippled with regret and loneliness and I wish that I could have made my relationship work.

[Petal22]

Hi understanding90,

Wellcome to our forums!

It sounds as though you have gained some great insight and that’s were going inwardly does for us and we really do grow from it…..

Im sorry you are feeling lonely and regretful I understand it’s difficult…

You really can learn to change perspectives it’s up to us…. You can learn to change your mindset I can see in your post you have started to notice the things in yourself that you want to change and you CAN it just takes practice……… every day decide who you want to be as a person and go out and be that person with intent..

Thats great that you are seeing a psychologist……

Invest some time in yourself…… keep growing…….. growth is amazing……..

Im here to chat

[understanding90]

Thankyou Petal
I have gained some insight and I owe a lot to my ex as she taught me a lot about what a healthy relationship should be like.
What are your best recommendations for growth and learning to be okay with ourselves?

[Petal22]

That’s ok understanding90,

My recommendations for self growth are …….. go inwardly….. don’t be afraid to challenge your thoughts and beliefs….. a psychologist can help you with this…

Look at things with different perspectives…..perceptions can be changed……

Look for the positive in everything….., there is always a positive….. I went through a debilitating condition OCD it was the hardest thing I have ever been through….. I have now recovered……… I look at the condition I had as a blessing because without all of the challenges I faced while having this condition I wouldn’t be the stronger, wiser version of the person I am today……… I believe I went through my condition so I could learn and come through the other side to help others with their mental health……..

I believe there is a lesson in everything we go through……

I believe we are conditioned to think the way we do from our younger years…… but we can change and challenge that if we choose to…… we are our own person and be anyone we choose to be…

You can be any one you want to be or do anything you want to do as long as you have the self belief ……. If something scares you in your life like a career move then do it….., you will grow from this…..

Being ok with ourselves comes from forgiving ourselves for not knowing any better at the time and then moving forward with that and working on the new version of ourselves……

Forgiveness will set you free and letting go will help you to grow….

I’m here to chat