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Seem to be full of problems
I feel like I Jaguar Paw in Apocalypto: like I get one problem after another.
I think I am probably borderline Asperger's -Female Asperger's, which is different to the one most people know about: it is a less obvious form if you like. Emotionally it is like I have always been disadvantaged: high sensitivity, along with a fragility in that I have trouble seeing the bigger picture but tend to see details more. This difference in how I perceive is probably not a big one compared to most people, but it creates issues.
For one, I cannot socialize as long as most people can and find group socializing taxing. I suspect that I am a bit socially clumsy in being a bit egocentric and less able see things from an overall/group perspective.
Real problems exist for me, however, when I come across other people who have similar issues.
You would think that I would be good friends with such people -however, if they ever were, it is almost always that they have been 'frenemies'. That is, I have noticed that people who I was close to or thought I was comfortable friends with, have either turned into enemies or I notice simply that people who have bullied or harrassed me resemble so much members of my own family or even friends.
I am no longer associating with these "friends" and I have a very strong emotional distance from my family.
I do not trust my family for the most part. Don't like my siblings. Don't trust or like my father -actually I don't speak to him.
I also have only one friend. I lost one I thought I would have for life, because she was prejudiced towards my struggles. I have been unemployed for almost all of my 20s with an anxiety disorder. Underemployed in my 30s. Was bullied as a young woman in a first job and lost everything.
And it has begun again: I was bullied by a godammn teacher in a course I was studying. Reminded me of my cousin of course. I feel it goes back to the egocentricity -in that this individual shares it, but deals with it in a toxic way.
I feel sometimes like this is a losing battle. Have put so much effort and work into understanding my issues.
To sum up: it feels like I am "close but no cigar". I try to see it as 'almost there' and to see my fight as brave. But sometimes I think I am 'pathetic', that I should become a hermit.
And that people who are a good deal less mature and decent are still messing me around and I am really annoyed that this is still happening. I feel like I really should not be experiencing this anymore.
With any form of depression any person may have a group of friends that they always talked to or the occasional friend they came up to you to discuss a topic and wanted feedback, so you both got together.
What happens is that all your friends, it doesn't matter what r/ship you had with them, they all disappear, it seems to be the standard event, so you're left all by yourself, it's not what we ever wanted, but they don't know what to say to us and they don't understand what depression is, so they go.
You are brave and
In regard to Xmas go the 'soup kitchen' where they serve people who have no house and no food, your help will be so much appreciated.
Please let us know how you get on, especially as Xmas is approaching, and I will also be by myself Xmas Day. Geoff.
I really resonated with your final statement that you feel like you shouldn't still be experiencing this. That is absolutely the truth - you shouldn't still be having to experience this - no one should have to experience what you have. But you are. And it sucks. And you deserve better, everyone does, but not everyone in the world gets a fair deal and some of us (me included) just have to suffer lots in life. I'm leaning towards this this kind of real talk because it's the only thing that doesn't seem to make to me mad (but you might be different). Because often when people try to give advice, it's as if they assume they know more about your situation than you do, and they are assuming that there is some simple thing you can do to change your feelings and change your experience - it often seems patronising to me.
I don't know how you can feel better, except to distance yourself from the bully in the course if you can. Get away from people who make you feel like you are hard to love, is a saying that is surprisingly true. Not always possible, but if you can, it's the only answer in situations where someone is treating us badly. I like Geoff's suggestions of planning something to do on xmas day so it doesn't feel as bad.
i am 36 and probably have Aspergers (along with bipolar and ADHD).
My one piece of advice is try to find a psychologist who specialises in women with Aspergers (High functioning autism) and is qualified to diagnose you. She/he should also be able to help you with your friendships.
I can relate to lots of what you said. I have been unemployed most of my twenties and all of my thirties. In 2012 I applied for Disability Support Pension not because I didn't want a job but because I could no longer cope with Disability Employment Services.
I had a volunteer job, and when I supported someone who was being bullied we were both forced out.
I was bullied at school too. I don't have any friends from school.
While I am lucky to have about ten friends most of them are older then me. It seems people my age are off having children (and my six year relationship exploded). I get very lonely since that happened. I don't like groups of people and usually spend time with my friends one on one.
I am sharing this so you don't need to feel alone. I hope it helps.