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Seeking marriage and loneliness advise
I ask this here as I feel I don't know who to turn to.. I apologise for the length.
I've been with my husband since high school, 8 years in total and married for a few months now. We have only ever really known each other and both our lives revolve around each other.. we moved interstate and have moved a lot over the years so we are away from family and never really made friends.
We moved to our current spot about a year ago and for the first time I've started to settle and make friends. I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and struggle making friends so this is great for me. But it's brought up a number of issues... over the years I've doubted our relationship, our compatibility and whether or not I'm really "happy" with him but never left because well I don't have anyone else... he was the only person who put up with me who took care of me and understands me especially as someone with BPD.
So, the new friends brings issues... one I'm attracted to one of them (though not the first person over the years) in a "I can see myself with you" kind of way. Granted plenty of people do that but this... this has me concerned... over the years my husband and I have had issues in bed or opening up to each other. We don't "treat" each other and have had plenty of fights about being too comfortable around each other.. we are more like married roommates.. so for this I see myself with someone else as a romantic thing , I see that excitement that comes with being with someone again. It feels safe in a way my current relationship doesn't..
two draws me to my main point... I don't know myself without my husband.. my whole young life has revolved around him.. he has been my friend my partner and my family.. I feel as though I have no one BUT him.. I never got to go out, be young or be on my own.. so how do I give something like that up for the off chance at something better? How do I know these feelings are just phases or if it's legitimate? How do I risk "finding myself"? I feel as though if I say I'll be miserable but at least I'll have someone... and if I go I'm taking a risk that might make my life worse.
Ive been really depressed last few weeks about this and I have spoken to my husband about it and bless him he respects what I want to do but the problem is I don't know what to do... I'm really lost, I feel really alone and I get these horrible gut feelings of loneliness. I'm scared to leave I'm scared to go... I'm afraid of being alone and out of control...
I agree with Venessa,
The issues youve mentioned are common in relationships that develop at a young age between a couple that hadn't had the scope of several boyfriends/girlfriends before settling. That curiosity grows and grows especially if you feel like flatmates.
Its good you have both spoken about it. Even better that he understands. Any future split then the best situation is a very understanding amicable one.
But in your mid twenties this feeling of unfulfillment wont go away.
If you decide to leave you need to treat this new life as an adventure. Ive had 4 relationships all more than 7 years and each one, even the one that ended bitterly have had huge upset the days following the split. So be prepared for some soul searching time and allow time to heal. That doesnt mean you cant date someone. In fact it would serve you well to be pampered.
Be kind to yourself. Find the real you. Laugh...read....learn...cry........laugh some more.
Life will throw obstacles at you. The trick is that what you loose on the slide you gain on the merry go round.
Its how you accept that and roll with the punches as to how you enjoy all of what life offers you.
You shouldn't stay with him just because you don't have any other friends, you will make them along the way, and with your husband you never thought about experiencing other venues, I think it's time you did, because your marriage doesn't seem to be an over joyous one, as you say you are just room mates, intimacy is a problem and communication seems to also be a concern.
You are unhappy and have itchy feet, go and explore a new life, just remember he maybe thinking along the same lines. Geoff.