Seasonal breakup & possible emotional affair

[PHM]

Hi all,

A supportive friend of mine recommended the BB forums to help with an issue I've been dealing with this week, so Hi and thanks for listening.

My wife recently decided she wanted to end the marriage. While the news was a heartbreaker, I felt the timing was also an extra twist.

I admit this year has had its' stresses. Covid, juggling a family, different work schedules and work loads and not having much time for each other. The communication was short and time together less so.

So tension and stress grew with both of us. I tried to understand this, tried to make the best of our situation and kept moving forward, but it now appears she started to take it personally.

Any issues we had I, maybe naively, thought we could fix with some extra attention and TLC. Those who knew us thought so too. But it felt like only one was trying.

In the fallout she's used my negative instances from being tired/stressed/frustrated to characterise me as a person. Which she's stated as the reason she can't be with me anymore.

I mentioned often, especially in recent months that we need to connect more. She seemed to agree and we moved forward.

Even in the weeks leading up to the announcement she seemed OK with me and the relationship.

But in the week prior she went cold. My children noticed it and, in the wake, I noticed an unknown male name commenting on her Social pages in that time, with my wife being very friendly in return.

I asked her who he was and he was a childhood friend. I later found they'd been DMing non stop during that week and she'd been calling him for hours on end.

All during the time I was desperate to talk/connect with her, with no interest. It really hurts the way she prioritised things.

I understand this is part of an emotional affair and it really hurts.

Since the break, she hasn't let up on the other connection and, while we've agreed to counselling, I'm at a loss how to handle it.

I do love her and know any issues we had were workable, but I feel trust will be a big obstacle, especially while she's still wrapped up in this happier connection.

Sorry for the length and thanks for hearing me out. If anybody has been in a similar spot, or if there's something there somebody could comment on (good or bad) I'd appreciate it.

[WaterFront]

Hi PHM,

A warm welcome to the forums. I'm sorry to hear you are going through a difficult and uncertain time with your partner. The counselling sounds like a good idea and should provide an opportunity to communicate with each other with the help of a trained uninvolved professional. The Christmas season can be such a difficult period for some people in general and this situation would be adding additional pressure to what is already an emotionally heightened time of year.

It sounds like she is not communicating with you and not truly letting you know what is going on which I'm sure is making you feel uncertain about your relationship and your future together. It can also be very frustrating. Trust is very important in any relationship and it sounds like she might be breaking that trust by having what you suspect is an emotional affair.

Sometimes people deflect onto others and blame them because they know they are not doing the right thing but for whatever reason they don't want to/or are unable to take responsibility for their actions. I wonder if that is what she is doing. You are in the situation to be able to decide if that's the case.

She says she is willing to go to counselling so that sounds like a positive if she is willing to follow through on that. I don't have any specific advice to give you, I just wanted to acknowledge how you must be feeling and to let you know the BB community is here to listen and provide support and advice.

Come back and talk some more if you are able to. In my experience, sometimes just writing it down helps to make sense of things.

WF