Scared of my husband

[Ale]

I am new to all of this and unsure if I am doing the right thing.

I have been married for a couple of years with 6 month old baby but I am scared of my husband.

Over the years he has become angry and violent mostly towards me. I get scared if I question him on something because I'm worried he will lash out at me. When he does become angry I go into a shell and I tremble and cry until I get over it.

I love him very much and he loves me but I'm terrified of him and what he can do. I used to talk to a friend about it all but I feel I can't anymore because I will be judged for staying with him with a baby. He is a good hearted strong working man it just seems like I'm a bad person all the time because he says its me who makes him made all the time. My mind is constantly racing because I have always thought little of myself and this obviously pushes me into a deeper hole.

thank you for listening

[geoff]

hello Ale, I'm deeply sorry for what has been happening, because NO female whether it's a g/friend or wife should NEVER me put into a situation where they are pushed into a corner because of their husband who may threat to physically hurt them.
I want to thank you for posting your comment because it's very important that this issue has been raised, and in this case it's with you.
What he is doing is forcing you into a form of depression and whether it's being anxious of what may happen is something that will frighten you everytime there is an issue to that you want to talk about or even worse if he wants to raise a point with you and afraid of any consequences that may happen, this is not how a marriage/relationship should function at all.
You can never feel as though you are a bad person, and certainly not by what he says to you, a marriage is a union between two people, compromises can be made, give and take can happen but NOT dominance and NOT the any threat and worry of being hurt.
The decision to leave or stay is up to you and I'm not going to suggest that you do, because that's not what you want to hear as I would just be the same as your friend, but what I can suggest is that you go and see your doctor and whether you need to tell your husband maybe something you could keep to yourself at the moment, because if you tell him then this will add to complaints against you, but both you and your baby's is critical.
I hope that you can trust us here and hope that we hear back from you. Geoff. x

[Dwwmills]

Hello Ale.

You should not have to put up with this. It’s a classic abusive partner’s ploy to blame the other person for their anger. This sort of behaviour is just not acceptable and there is no excuse for it. You need to take it outside of the marriage and get help. Keeping it hidden inside the marriage only helps to perpetuate the situation and the abusive partner relies it staying hidden. There’s a lot in the news at the moment about violence against women and this is a classic example of it. Your partner is the one with the problem and he needs to get help from outside or the situation will not change.

It must have taken a lot of courage to come on here and tell us what is happening. You now need to get help from people who are trained to deal with this as it something you can’t do on your own. Your own mental health and your baby’s future depend on this. What you’re having to go through is really not okay.

Dean

[white knight]

Hi Ale, welcome

Fully agree with Geoff and Dwwmills posts.

Unfortunately in this situation he seems to have lost respect for you. This is possible while still loving you. He also has a temper that needs addressing. Anger management starts with your GP. You'll need to tell him quietly and alone that you are physically scared of him and that his temper means your relationship isn't sustainable in the long term. You want action for it to stop and you cant in the long term remain with him if it continues.

Hopefully he will get the message. But like all issues with other people, you need to also find ways to improve your communication. It isn't your fault however that doesn't mean you cant find new ways to communicate without him feeling his buttons are being pushed.

Google "Topic: talking to men, some tips- beyondblue"

another thread that might be helpful is "Topic: if all else fails what can you do- be radical- beyondblue"

God luck and we are here for you to talk with.

Tony WK

[Little_Yogi]

Hi Ale,

I'm sorry to hear you feel this way... it's heartbreaking to feel apprehensive of the person you love. I can relate to your situation. My partner works almost 14 hour days 6 days per week and is constantly running on very little sleep. When we met it was the most romantic and beautiful love - he proposed to me within 4 months. We are still engaged, only 1 year together. But recently we moved in together and I feel like he is angry and moody all the time and directing it to me. I feel like displays of my affection towards him are now just irritating and that he has closed off to me emotionally. I also feel like he is dominating me in subtle ways - never ever giving compliments or making me feel valued anymore. A few afternoons when he has come home, been distant to me and then gone to bed (shift worker sleeping hours) I have curled into a ball and cried. I feel like his love has faded. My sensitivities to his mood are getting worse, I feel like I am losing my confidence in who I am and what I mean to him. Picking the right time to discuss these feelings with him is also hard because he is exhausted all the time. I wish you all the best. I do not judge you for at the moment staying with him to try and work things out and improve the relationship..... (as long as you feel there is hope). Best wishes Ale.