Sad and confused

[Butterfly71]

HI

I lost my dad about a year ago and couldn't say bye to him because of Covid & border restrictions. My Mum and sister are narcassists, I went through trauma since I was a child. Recently another problem accured where I had to say something and told the truth. Unfortunately I am being hated and bullied again. I had no choice to cut ties with them.

I am divorced and was abused by my ex partner. I am independent and have my own house now.

I am in a relationship my new partner works away. He is a good person but I find him very arrogant and he disrespects my feelings. He made an arrangement without checking with me first about dinner plans at his friends place. He is staying at his friends place and his friend works away as well, the friends girlfriend doesn't work she stays at home. He never told me that he is staying there while his friend is working away, I had to find out myself. Then he made arrangements behind my back for dinner there where it would be just us three without his friend. I was furious when he told me that so I cancelled the plans. I told him I am studying and catching up with new friends from a mental health group and I will talk to him after the weekend. He kept on calling me and I explained to him how I felt. He did apologise but also said he can't promise something like this wont happen again. Then he said his phone will be off for 2 days because he is working in a mining pit. I find it suspicious it's been 3 days and no contact. I am a proud person and wont call him. I dont know what to do or expect. I feel lonely and dont have many people to talk to that I can trust.

He was adopted and divorced a couple of years ago. He has suffered with symptoms of mental illness since he was younger and threatens that things will trigger him. He gives 100% to his kids and to me. He spoils me a lot and is full of surprises. He likes to play jokes and I dont find it funny sometimes. It feels like he is messing with my mind. He sends me messages and when I talk about it he will deny what he said but then I will show him his message to tell him he is lying. It feels like he always wants to know where I am and what I am doing. I feel drained and tired and can't talk to people that I can trust. I am so confused because he is a good person but I feel I cant trust him because he lies & disrespects me. Am I in the wrong?

[Sophie_M]

Hi Butterfly71,

Thank you for having the courage and the insight to reach out on the forum. The story of your journey so far sounds exhausting, yet you have cleared learned so many important signs and boundaries from your time. I have no doubt that many of our forum members and champions will seek to help wherever they can. 

You are deserving of respect and kindness in your relationships, Butterful71. No one should ever threaten you. If you need trained insight into the risks you are seeing, 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) can be a massively helpful resource. They have some information online about psychological abuse, which might be helpful to look at, here. (Please consider technological safety before visiting. If you think there's a risk that your partner could be using technology to abuse or control you, please instead call 1800RESPECT on the number above.)

Our friends at Relationships Australia might also be helpful to seek out, see them online, or give them a call at 1300 364 277.

Of course, you are extremely welcome to reach out to us here, 24 hours a day! You can call on 1300 22 4636 or consider our webchat service.

Thank you again for your bravery and authenticity, Butterfly71. We are grateful to have you in our forums.

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Earth Girl]

Hi Butterfly71,

I'm not sure if your new partner is a good person or not because I don't know him, but even if he is, that doesn't make it okay for him to do these things to you especially since he basically said that he will probably do it again. He may do good things as well as these other things, but that doesn't make up for it. (I'm sure you're very good to him as well and you don't do these hurtful things to him).

If possible, it may be good to get a divorce if you don't have children with him if you don't trust him. It sounds like he's just going to keep hurting you and it may just get worse over time. If you tell him you want a divorce, he will likely try to talk you out of it so if you can, I would suggest finding someone else you can live with or even live by yourself in the mean time. (If this is your house, you could probably just say goodbye to him and have your house to yourself). It's better to be alone than be with someone who keeps hurting you, even if they in some ways help you as well because it doesn't make up for it.

I'm sorry about your family and ex as well. This is likely the reason why you end up in relationships that hurt you, because your mother and sister hurt you. Try to be very careful with who you get into a relationship with because some people are nice at first, but once your get to know them more, they can really hurt you and it can be hard to get out. I would recommend knowing someone for about 2 years before moving in with them and also asking other people if they think they are right for you before making that big decision because when you move in with someone, if it already isn't working super well, it makes it even harder to say goodbye.

You are not wrong for feeling this way, I would feel this way to if my partner was treating me like this and it would be very confusing.