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It feels like rocket science would be simpler than life at the moment. No song lyrics, no quotes, just melancholy for you all.
It feels like life is so hard. It has been a week since the separation from my husband. It feels like it has been two weeks, if not longer. Every day goes at different speeds, fast when I am anxious, or actually accomplishing things and then out of nowhere a great big wave of depression will come. It will hit me and i will stand there, unable to move. everything feels like pain. I'll go from cooing, if a little manic and shaking uncontrollably to crying.
Why does it have to hurt so much, at the end of a relationship? I don't even want to be with him, I don't even want to go back to him. Yet it hurts and another part of me says I still love him. Just waking up this morning, thinking about what to do, reminds me of the things we use to do to fill our weekends. It reminds me that relationship, that time, is over. I won't be doing those things again, with that same feeling of creating something bigger than the two of us.
I guess I grieve not for him, but for what we had, what it could have been. When does it stop hurting? How can I get there now? I don't like existing right now, the pain comes in these inconsolable waves that paralyse me.
Seven years of my life. Gone.
"So tired of the straight line/ And everywhere you turn there's vultures and thieves at your back/ Don't make no difference/ Escaping one last time/ it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh/ This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees"
Angel, Sarah Mclachlan
Thank you for providing this post - but I almost didn't click on it because knowing it was from you and the heading you provided, I was thinking, oh my goodness, GA will be providing words in here that I will have to google to find out what they mean. 🙂 🙂 Simply, you really do impress me absolutely no end. I feel honoured to be posting to you. I'm not being stupid here, I'm just being honest.
GA, let me break this down - it's been just ONE week - 7 days. The feelings that you're experiencing are totally expected. 7 days away, after experiencing and living 7 years. Quite poignant really - but you know, I'm damn proud of you - your relationship/your marriage just was not working and you knew that. You've up and done something that a hell of a lot of people would be sitting back and thinking, bloody hell, if only I had the guts to do that. But you've done it.
At the moment, GA, it's as raw as hell - and yes, you'll be having these thoughts and feelings of gee, at this time last week, or this time last year, we'd be doing xy and z. That's human nature and only someone with no soul, no feeling at all would be absolutely ok right at this time.
Yes, it is a grieving process, but can I please bring you to task on another thing you wrote. You wrote, 7 years of your life - gone. No no no - we live, we experience things and we live. Your last 7 years of marriage was one chapter of your life. And for sure, it probably wasn't the best thing that could have possibly happened, but at the same time, it wasn't something that was a waste. No way - it is part of who you are. Through that, you grew, you had birthday's, you experienced life to differing levels, but you still experienced. Ok, so at the end, it didn't work out as you would have hoped - BUT it is something that you lived through and experienced. But GA, a waste - oh no, it wasn't. If you still doubt that, please please let me know and I'll try another avenue to approach - and yes, I'd love to know your thoughts on what I've written just in this last para alone.
GA, the feelings you're having - yes, they're real and it is what happens at the end of relationships - major relationships - any relationship - but think back - think back to oh I don't know, when things started turning not so good. Think back and what was it like - each day, each week for you. This is the key part for you right now - yes, you're experiencing emotions and sadness, but what was the driving force for you to be where you are now?
GA, I'm sorry, I've probably rattled on too much tonight - but can I just say again, that I'm really proud of you for what you've done - massively proud.
Please take care and I do look forward to hearing back from you.
I just want to say that I agree with what Neil has written to you.
You are brave and strong for you have done something that is so difficult for you at the moment but I am sure that things will work out okay for you in the near future.
Sending you lots of hugs, positive happy thoughts and a big smile for you, just you GA my friend
"And I have the sense to recognise/ That i don't know how to let you go/ Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul/ I'm ever swiftly moving trying to escape this desire/ The yearning to be near you/ I do what I have to do.."
Do What You Have To Do, Sarah Mclachlan
You know I was trying to remember why I named this post that. I think it was some obtuse train of thought jnvolving the childrens show on in the background and how hard it was not to just curl up. I can't even cry. I wish I could.
I wish time would go faster. I guess love wouldn't be love without pain and betrayal, to paraphrase one of my favourite TED talks. You don't get the highs without the lows. I have just had so many lows lately, I'm wondering where the light to my darkness went. It seems to have run out of batteries.
I think in the long run, I won't see these years as a waste. I guess at the end of it, they are the past and I can do nothing to change that it happened. It doesn't stop me wishing I could. Yes there were good parts of the relationship, yes I learned things, yes I grew as a person but I do regret not leaving a month ago. I knew then, I think that I had serious doubts about our relationship. I even almost broke up then. He just sucked me back in. Yes, it was an experience. The perfectionist in me says I shouldn't have taken so long to end it. I gave all I could to try and save it, and myself.
In the end there was no personal growth, no future, no trust left. If I had stayed with him, I wouldn't have been alive by the end of the year. This, as painful as it is on my own, is my best shot at beating this. And that is what drove me to do it, along with his behaviour towards me and others. I couldn't smile and go along with it anymore. Now he has turned on me, denying me bond when it was joint money whike at the same time saying that payment for laser eye surgery years ago wasnt joint money. And demanding I clean the house to get the bond back.
Either it was joint money, all of it or none of it was. He can't have me pay debts and take all the profit. I am not going to clean the house for a bond I am not going to get.
You are right, its raw as hell right now. I wish I could just turn off the pain, for a little while. I wish random songs on the radio or completely unrelated comments would stop sending my emotions spiralling in the other direction.
I know it wil get better. I know this is the right thing. I know this is what love is, the darker side of it.
But why does it have to hurt so damned much?
" A glowing ember, burning hot, burning slow/ Deep within I'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you/I know I can't be with you/ I do what I have to do..."
Thank you, just thank you. You are able to think of me when you aren't in a good state yourself. I think it says miles about you. I guess if our partners and friends can't understand, than at least I can rely on people on here to.
It may not stop the world from exploding, but at least I am watching it explode with someone else who can see the chaos.
dear GA, so much happens while I'm asleep and can't join the conversation until the next day, never mind that's how I live I suppose.
Can I say that everything will settle down, hard to believe I know, but the same happened with me, a new world, a new life. and a new beginning, that just seemed to drop on our door step, but you choose yours, and that takes courage, an enormous amount that had to be taken into account, and probably the best, and I say probably because there were other matters that may have needed to be sorted out, and they will be done, or forgotten about.
The time will come when you will feel a total release from this previous relationship, as you say 'you should have done it a month ago', but now it's done, and that's good for you, so all your thoughts and decisions are all yours to make all by yourself, and I can tell you that this feeling is unbelievable, no one to argue with, so just relax and let your mind open up again. L Geoff. x
Your unusual hours also mean that you can be online when alot of us are not and so it is not an entirely bad thing. Just as the same as my night owl habits and time difference mean that I wake up later to those eastern states and go to bed later.
I guess my proble is compounded as I have never really lived on my own. I lived with my parents, my mother when they separated and then with my ex. While I had freedoms living with my mother, I never really knew what it was to come home and change what you were making for dinner because it was only you eating it and you felt like something different. I dont even know how to make a meal for one.
So when it comes to times like this, people would reset to their habits when they were alone, a bachelor lifestyle. I don't have those habits. For all that I am an introvert and spend time away from other people, I don't know what it is like to live alone, with only myself to please. I don't know who I am, away from the trauma and pain of my past, away from other people.
What if I don't like who I am? What if I discover some awful truths about myself, alone?
What if I am not the person I thought I was and can't stand to be alone? What if I am not as self sufficient as I think? I blame this period of needing support on mental illness, and think that deep down if I can just beat this, I can be alone and self sufficient and the strong person part of me thinks I am. What if I am wrong about that?
There all these uncertainties, I don't know how to proceed with the future. What do I want to do with my life? Who do I want to be?
My friend gave me the car keys yesterday and said if I needed to get out of the house, I could take the car and go. I froze, unxure of where or what to do. Could I physicalky leave the house? Yes. Could I drive? Yes. Did I knkw what I wanted to do out there? No. I walked around some local shops and it took ean hohr to make a small decision on a purchase. A purchase that woukd only affect me, but it was just so hard to make that decision.
What am I? Who am I, when people turn away and the music stops?
The lovely GA wrote:
"I dont even know how to make a meal for one."
I say, don't. Continue to make the meal for two - then put one in the fridge and you've got tomorrow night's dinner taken care of. 🙂
dear GA, it was hard for to start with cooking for one, well actually it was two, because of my puppies and always made sure that they were fed first, funny that because I would cook a roast which was easy open up the oven and put it in, with potatoes peeled or not, pumpkin and so on the easier the better.
When it was done I would look at Tessie and now Moo-Moo and ask them if I could just have a slice.
I do exactly as what Neil has said, cook for at least a couple of nights, it's a different life style and for you a much better one, but occasionally your mind will return to the past several years, but what you have to understand is that you had to leave, and this was a great decision by you. L Geoff. x
Even if I was broke I would make sure my kitties get fed. If anything, I spoil them too much. One is developing a little pot belly. She is curled at my feet as I type.
I know it was the right decision. It just feels like there is a hole in my chest, and all the hugs from others won't fill it and every tear makes it sting all the worse. How do you fix the whole someone leaves in your life? Do you put something in its place, or do you build around it?
I'm just so sad and hurting right now. And I don't know how to fix it, I don't know how to make it feel better.
"How the hell does a broken heart get back together when its torn apart? Teach itself to start beating again..."
Bluebird, Christina Perri