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ROCD or something wrong with relationship
Ive never written something like this before but reading some of them have really helped me in the past.
I've been dating my current boyfriend for a over a year now, and so far it was great, we met overseas and he decided to come to Australia to live with me around 7 months ago. It couldn't have been better. His visa is only for a year so we've always had the issue of what happens later over us but we always knew that as long as we loved each other we could make it work. I'm about to begin studying so we also had to factor in that maybe it would be our life here in Australia or maybe it would be moving to Europe and me studying there.
Over time this began to cause me more and more stress, I've been dealing with what I believed to be moderate anxiety for most of my life and I started to notice my symptoms were becoming slowly worse and worse. Our relationship was great until one evening we were discussing what to do about his visa and a thought came to my mind like "you don't love him you have to break up right now", it felt like someone had shot me and I then went on to have the worst panic attack I've experienced to date. I knew I loved him so much but I just couldn't shake this thought. I didn't even realise but I started to do little routine checks to see how I felt about him, none of them helped though and over time I began to feel more and more anxious just at the sight of him. I couldn't touch him, ever night I wake up at 4 am in sweats, analysing why I didn't dream about him and if that means my relationship is over. Its gotten to the point I can't even see the point anymore.
Some days are worse than others but none are good, on the not bad days I'm still not happy, or even sure I want to be around him. It sucks so much because before all of this I was so sure I would have such a bright and happy future with him and now I don't know what to do. I tell him about how I'm feeling and he stays strong but I can see I'm breaking his heart, I just want to feel happy with him again and for these thoughts to stop. I cant distinguish between thoughts and feelings anymore everything just feels grey. I'm scared I found out about ROCD too late and that maybe I've already let it ruin my relationship and the way I view my partner.
Any help would be so appreciated I have no idea what I should do
You are going though a very hard time and I'm glad you had the courage to come here and set out your feelings.
I'll say first I'm no doctor and am simply someone with, among other things, an anxiety condition, so have a listen then see if my thoughts encourage you to go see a doctor.
The fact your relationship is time-limited by visa considerations is huge burden on both of you that gets greater the closer to expiry time you come. That coupled wiht the fact any solution involves a big upheaval would leave anyone terribly worried.
That first beginning of the relationship being so good only raises the stakes, you have so much to lose.
You have mentioned you believe you have an existing anxiety condition, and I strongly suspect that has, thanks to this extra pressure, started to give you constant unhelpful unwanted thoughts. Perhaps as you say ROCD - I'm guessing.
If I was your partner all this would have a pretty devastating effect on me, after all it is a terribly unhappy situation to have the relationship questioned all the time.
So I'd suggest you both need support, you to get rid of or control these thoughts, and he to firstly understand what is happening, and secondly possibly help take part in assisting you to get better.
I doubt very much it is too late. If there is love then that is a great binding power. When I became very ill my wife blamed herself and was rudely and unkindly treated by me.
After my psychiatrist explained to her my reactions were a common part of my illness her self-blame stopped and her self-confidence grew, allowing her to see the best ways to support me.
Please let me know if this makes sense