Resentful regret

[PatrickP]

I am 55 years old, married for 30 years, 33 years together with my wife of the same age (55). My wife was beautifully attractive girl, a natural blonde with model looks, as young guys tend to rate girl's attractiveness now days numerically, she was a 10 and she's still very attractive for her age, so when meeting her at 22 years old, a smoking hot blonde and a nice person is a pretty easy combination to fall in love with and marry without too much over analysis of our sexual compatibility.

Despite her stunning looks, she was never particularly sexual and was something I guess I always hoped would improve over time, but typically after the first couple of years of marriage, sex for her was always a drama, an obligation and "duty" sex was about the extent of it no matter what I ever did to try and make it better, it was only temporary improvement if that. The "talk" we must have had 100 times over the years to the point that talking about sex ended up off the table as it usually resulted in an argument and then I was pressuring her and I gave up eventually and concentrated on things I liked in life and I withdrew from her a bit emotionally. I can that our marriage is fundamentally pretty good except for the sex and deprivation of intimate connectedness that I feel.

About a year ago, I started to feel resentful towards her for what feels like wasting my life away persevering with marriage to a woman of emotional and intimate frigidity and romanticising about how my life would have been with someone of greater warmth, sexual compatibility and desire to be emotionally connected, the type of relationship I really wanted.

The purposes of my post is asking for advice how to stop receiving pleasure from upsetting her? I feel she needs to suffer a bit from her relentless necessity to remain emotionally and intimately distant. She said the other day how nasty I am to her if she disagrees with me and my answer to that was; perhaps if one of the 100 "talks' we had over the years made an impression for change, I may have wanted to be nicer to her now. What disturbs me is getting pleasure from being nasty to her, in the sense that; well, this is the repercussion of your intimate management ideologies of our relationship. How on earth is emotional and intimate distance envisaged to optimally nourish a marriage?

[geoff]

hi Patrick, your comment is one I can relate to as we were married for 25 years, but have been divorced for 12,13 years I can't remember the exact time but somewhere around those times, but having an argument about lack of sex won't entice your wife to come to an agreement, because she feels as though it's a duty for her give you more intimate moments which she won't enjoy, so instead of this happening it goes the other way and you get less.
This is a way you are getting back to her for not offering you more sex over your 30 year marriage, because you want to punish her for not obliging and when you are out with friends all the other guys are always trying to chat her up, so want to take back control by having sex with her, but are disappointed and perhaps angry that it doesn't happen.
If two people who are married aren't so interested in sexual relations between both of them then there wouldn't be any problem, but if one spouse, you, aren't happy then there will be problems, especially when you have bought her something or done something for her to please her, then you would hope that it would be returned by her offering you sex to say thank you.
This was something that never ever happened with me, even when I had bought her a fur coat.
I could suggest you both go and talk with a couples counsellor, however I'm not sure that this will improve anything for you, I wish I could have better advice for you, but perhaps someone else may have.
Would like to hear back from you. Geoff.

[Cornstarch]

Allow a lesbian to comment from a place of detached distance but a lot of the mechanics are the same.

You have to remember Mr P when strangers read posts things jump out at them or cross their mind due to their own life experiences or from the people they hang with. So if I say or suggest anything that is offensive that was never my intention.

You must be a very patient and understanding person from a wholesome background because what struck me was that here you are feeling "bad" about resentment, where as I read it, and went dude where's the rest! For me, I would be eaten alive by paranoia. I simply do not have the nervous system to be able to cope with such consistent rejection and naturally gravitate towards warm people. I would be so paranoid!

Libido discrepancy is something that effects huge amounts of relationships but it is the one topic no-one discusses, unless it's after a few drinks friends have discussed it with me then.

[Zeal]

Hi Patrick,

Welcome to the forum!

Perhaps there are medical/biological reasons for your wife not being sexual or intimate. Unfortunately, putting pressure on her and trying to "fix" the problem yourself isn't helpful in this situation. It is good that you've had open discussions about it though, as it clearly is bothering you. You two could go to a doctor (GP) together to discuss this sexual/intimacy absence. Your doctor may refer you to a counsellor for a few sessions.
It is very encouraging that your marriage is otherwise healthy - this is hugely positive!

I hope you and your wife can work together to keep your marriage healthy and happy 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

[Cornstarch]

I accidentally hit send.....

Also what jumped out at the page for me was the over intellectualisation of what is meant to be animal instincts. Why is she theorising intimacy? Intimacy is meant to have a natural flow. The reason why she has a low libido probably doesn't really matter because it is the length of time that indicates to me it is permanent.

No offence mate, but the over-all sense I got from the entire post was that she is controlling. She very much wears the pants in matters of what love is and is not allowed to be received and at what times, not only from you but possibly everyone else as well.

"intimate management ideologies of our relationship". Good lord that sounds intense, put the books down and have some fun.

If she also controls who you are allowed to hang with, on top of not being compatible physically I'd worry that your world will shrink and your perception will be warped. Once your own perception becomes warped that's where you can lose your sense of self and start blaming yourself for %100 of the problems in the relationship. She is only %50 and you are %50.

Again, I don't know if this would be my own paranoia if that was me, and maybe you don't feel this at all, but personally I couldn't help but wonder if she is getting it from someone else. That's just my own head talking and as you say, it could just be a biological thing and she isn't interested in it from anyone at all. But if she is still displaying behaviours with other people that she does have some desire, and not with you, again, paranoia! I couldn't handle it.

Some people are just naturally attractive and beautiful and she sounds that she is. Don't we hate em! It's only human to be drawn to lovely looking people like we are drawn to a lovely looking view.

You've been together a very long time so I won't be flippant or joking about your marriage because there must be deep love to have stayed.

You're only 55, it's really not that old. I feel 795 inside, so 55 is a mere babe.

In a rich country like Australia you could still have another 30 years together. I suppose you have to ask yourself can I live without emotional and physical intimacy for another 30 years?

Of course really hard questions with no easy answers.

Good luck.

[Apollo_Black]

Hi Patrick

There's quite a long thread on here about being resentful about lack of sex in marriage. Rather than go into too much detail I'll ask if you've read any of Athol Kay's books or joined his forum? If not I would recommend this in the first instance. Google his name and go from there. Good luck