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Relationships and depression
This is my first time using the forum, or beyond blue, but I would really like to get some outside opinions with the security of a bit of anonymity. I don't feel like I can talk to my friends or family about this: I just don't feel comfortable talking to them about it. It's not because of their attitude to mental illness, it's just me. It's hard to open up to people you know.
Anyway, my issue is with my relationship. It's been 3 years together. He is kind and I love him, but his job requires him to work away at the moment, and it is really difficult to communicate a lot. It puts a lot of stress on me, because I'm one of those awful over thinkers. Prior to the start of the year, I would have believed he loved me and wouldn't have left me, but I'm a hard person to be with with depression and recently he seems unsure.
I know it sounds petty, but I'm so scared of being alone. I'm young, I'm at university, but I have terrible social anxiety and I think my personality is hard to connect with, not to mention low self esteem in the appearance area. I just genuinely believe that if this relationship doesn't work out, I will never find anyone who will love me again, and I need that.
As silly as that is, I really believe I need somebody to love me romantically. All I want in the world is to feel loved unconditionally.
I'm still in a relationship now, and I love him, but I don't have faith that he still loves me. I feel like I have to mentally prepare myself for him inevitably breaking up with me, which leads me to sobs every night.
I just don't know what to do to feel better within myself. I've recently gone on medication, which has helped and I'm no longer suicidal, but the pain is still lingering. I can't tell him any of this because I feel like I'd be emotionally abusing him by making him feel bad or like he is responsible for my unhappiness.
I'm really just looking for support. I don't know what else to say.
Welcome to the Beyond Blue Community and thankyou for posting..and for having courage to do so!
My name is Paul and have had Depression for many years.....I do understand the dark place you are in at the moment...it can be a dreadful place to be. Your depression can lead to as you said 'over thinking' I have been guilty of doing this for a long time but I am fortunate as I have a crackerjack GP and a great therapist.
Its not silly at all to believe that you need someone to love you romantically, especially with all the endorphins and the wonderful chemical releases that occur when we are in Love with someone. I have been on my own since late 2014 and I dont like it. I miss the closeness of having a possible soul mate with me...badly.
I understand you are not confident talking to your partner Rosieposie but if he had the depression and kept it from you...you wouldnt be very happy. Even if you print out a page from BB under the header of 'Supporting Someone' and leave it for him to read it may be a little easier for you? (just scroll down and you will see the topic 'Supporting Someone with Depression or Anxiety' If I was in your partners shoes I would like to read it as it would give me an understanding of the pain you are going through.
If I may ask you Rosie, how long have you been on your meds? I started taking my AD's in 1997 and they have provided me with a platform on which I can heal. They did take a while to kick in though but I am happy I stuck with them and the regular visits to a counsellor.
Also...are you seeing a doc on a regular basis at all? Always a huge bonus if you can facilitate it of course. They can reduce the 'overthinking' and help you find some peace while learning new coping skills to help you re-build your confidence. It is also a huge help to have some kind of a support group...even a couple of friends that you can talk to... You will feel a lot better after having a vent..It really a form of self healing...
You are not alone here Rosie, there are many kind people on the forums that can be here for you 🙂
You are most welcome to post as many times as you wish..It would great to hear back from you when you are up to doing so of course
Peace is there...maybe we can help you find a piece
My Kindest Thoughts for You