relationship worries

[NL25]

Hi guys,

This is my first time posting but i just need some advice. I don't want to talk to my family/ friends about it as I don't want them to think badly of my relationship or think I'm not happy in it when I am.

Ive been with my boyfriend for almost 2 year (1st jan). It started off a casual for about 4 months before it became offical. From then on we were super strong, I felt so loved and cared for, there was constant communication and even though we were both busy with uni and our jobs we always found time to see each other, i felt like he would do anything for me and like the most loved girl in the world. 9 months into our relationship my boyfriend went overseas for uni exchange for 4 months. This was planned before we met and at one point he didn't even want to go but I didn't want to hold him back and I knew it would work out and that we would stay strong. While he was away we decided that I go over and meet him and travel around Europe together for a few weeks. I had the time of my life and fell even more involve with my boyfriend and felt like we were a strong as ever. However as soon as we got back I felt like he was being a little distant. I put it down to him not seeing his family for 6 months and also feeling a bit lost with not having a job or going to uni anymore. 2 weeks after we got back he broke up with me. I was devastated and it came as a complete surprise to me. We didn't talk much during the breakup but did occasionally and after 2 months we got back together. I feel like even though I wanted this more than anything I made it really clear that I only wanted to get back together if this is what he really wanted. and him not just coming back to me because it was easy or a quick fix. We have now been back together for about 8 months and it is good, I just feel like it hasn't gone back to how it was. I am still head over heels in love with him and want to spent as much time with him as possible like i did at the beginning of the relationship however I feel like he doesn't as much. I never used to worry or feel anxious about anything but now I find my self crying over the fear of him breaking up with me again or the fear that he doesn't love me like he used to. I have spoken to him about his and he says he loves me and wants to be with me, its just that other things are his priority now. I know relationships evolve and the honeymoon period ends, I'm just not sure if I should be worried or if I just need to relax and have trust in us.

[Boo1986]

Hi NL25,

It is great that you have posted here, sometimes people will have great advice for you, and sometimes just collecting all of your thoughts together helps you make sense of things for yourself too.

This may just be a brief period of uncertainty where he is going through some of his own issues and will snap out of it... but if it drags on for too long, it may just be that he isn't as in love with you as you are with him. I hate it when love dies, so I always feel like trying one more time/for a little bit longer could be worth it in the long run, but when enough is enough, you have to be prepared to let go. Only you can decide when that is, you know what you can handle, and you know if there is still a light at the end of the tunnel or not. If you can see that light, hang in there and he may come back to himself and love you completely like he used to. If you know there is no hope, take control of the situation and change it until you are happy.

Try to communicate with him as much as possible, explain all of your feeling openly and honestly and encourage him to do the same. If he is not willing to talk about his feelings or won't acknowledge your feelings, just know that you deserve better.

Keep in touch, good luck xo

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi NL25,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for reaching out to us. I am really glad you decided to post and I know how hard it can be when it feels like there's nobody you can really talk to about this sort of stuff.

Relationship issues can be really tricky in that we only get to see a little bit of what's really going on for you (not like a counsellor who gets a good picture), so try to keep in mind it's all our advice and perspectives on things.

Your question was if you should be worried or just have trust in us. The way I see it, you don't have to choose. Love is so complicated, and it's vulnerable. It doesn't matter how 'steady' the relationship may seem, it can just end so quickly; even in marriages (ironically aimed at being a commitment but yet so many end in divorce). I think there may always be a fear or worry that this might not last forever. But that doesn't mean that that worry has to consume our lives. From my own experiences a big part of love is trust and vulnerability; we never really know if the person we are with is going to be the person we are with in 5/10 years. Sometimes this can be a good thing, because it can make it exciting and scary because we get to share new things and be our authentic selves; and it also means that because we don't know we have to work hard on being complete within ourselves.

Having said all that though, my guess is that it's not going to take away the pain that you're feeling right now. Have you thought about what you need to help you feel more at ease? Is this something that your boyfriend can reassure you about?

I'm glad that you've talked to him a little about what's going on and how you're feeling; can he explain to you what made him want to break up in the first place? Maybe knowing more about where his head would at would help so that you can see how his thoughts/feelings have changed. I'm also not sure what you mean by 'other things are his priority now'. Does that mean that they take priority over the relationship? Shouldn't all things be priority?

I hope this helps a little. Feel free to reach out to your family and friends. It can be hard doing so the first time but this is what they are there for; lots of people can have so many difficult times in their relationships so having people that you are close to to talk to can really help. I talk to my friends a lot about relationships but it doesn't have to mean that it's ending or that anyone thinks badly of it.

[pipsy]

Hi NL25. Bf/gf relationships can be so complex and delicate at the best of times. I suppose all you can do is ask for clarification as to where you are with this relationship. You have a right to know if he is as happy as you are. I would also ask if there is anything you can do to help him? If he has concerns over something, let him know you are there for him. I have found men are not always easy to talk to. They seem to have difficulty putting feelings into words. Perhaps he is concerned about your future, if he can make you happy etc. I would just let him know, as I said, that you are there for him.

Lynda

[NL25]

hi guys,

Thank you all for your advice and insight.

I think I’m just so scared of investing in something that may not work out and I don’t like the vulnerable feeling or the uncertainty. I am a perfectionist and would do anything to make others happy, I am also very organised and like to know where everything is at. I think this is what drives me crazy a little bit. I feel like a broken record I have reached out to him many times telling him my feelings and asking for reassurance. I feel bad in doing this though and I get frustrated at my self for asking for reassurance as I feel like it may be making him feel like he isn’t satisfying me or isn’t making me happy which I then worry will unnecessarily pull us apart. As for the priority thing, I’m not sure what he really means by that. I feel like maybe now he needs alone time and his family and friends come higher up than what they used to compared to everything being about me.

Thanks again

[geoff]

hello NL, I have read your comment and all the good replies from those above me, but I think that your reply seems to tell us a little bit more which brings me to the question have you been diagnosed by a doctor, because to me it appears as though you may have OCD, because the words you mention 'perfectionist, very organised and wanting reassurance' are indicative from this illness. Geoff. x

[NL25]

Hi geoff, no I haven't but I'm starting to think that might be the case. I feel like its all me overreacting and getting super frustrated when things don't go the way I imagine. i feel like this has only come on the past few months or has gotten worse lately as i was a bit like this as a child too.

[pipsy]

Hi NL25. Geoff's idea of finding out if you have OCD sounds like a great idea. If it is OCD, I know there are things you can do to help control it. I have a problem in that I have been told I tend to overreact sometimes. I feel extremely strongly about some issues other people ignore. Whether it's OCD I'm not sure. I have talked to my Dr and he indicated I just have strong views. I try to keep an open mind, most times I do, but somethings I take rather seriously and when this happens, I guess I overreact. My ex used to frequently tell me I was overreacting.

Lynda