Relationship issues

[Alexs]

Hey all, i'm finding myself at a point where my relationship of nearly 3 years could possibly end. We don't get along anymore, always yell, we both are hyper-alert and anxious around eachother and my trust is now heavily affected as I saw she was looking up online what to do if you have a crush at someone at work, what to do if you're thinking about cheating ect ect.

I'm feeling pretty rotten and it's making it hard for me to help this whole situation. I haven't been as strong and progressive as her in regards to my personal development and i think it's finally caught up to me. If we break up, i'll be devastated and I have a whole house filled with things that I own and I live her with and her best friend. I can't go back home to my folks and because i'm a student and musician, my finances are terrible. I feel hopless.

[Croix]

Dear Alexs~

Welcome here to the forum and thanks for your post. Reading it I guess you have two separate but related problems.

One of course is accommodation, and if you have a houseful of possessions and no cash it is very difficult. The two thoughts I'd have straight away is firstly even if your relationship with your girlfriend breaks up does that mean you automatically have to leave, or is that an assumption? You are not the only other person in the household.

The second is you mentioned not returning to your folks. Sometimes circumstances force this on a person, even if they don't like the idea that much. How do you get on with them?

Your description of how things are between you and you girlfriend does not sound good at the moment. Yelling at each other and being hyper-alert, presumably expecting strife to happen, is not a life that can continue for too long. Her looking at other opportunities could be simply she is unhappy with how things are.

So, do you want the relationship to continue? (And housing really is not a good enough reason:) If oyu do have you discussed the problems with your GF? Do you think the pair of you might like to go to counseling? I'd imagine if you both want it to work it will.

There is one think you said I don't understand:-

as strong and progressive as her in regards to my personal development and i think it's finally caught up to me

Would you like to explain what you meant?

Being a student is a pretty tough and stressful life. Do you find music helps focus you elsewhere for a while?

Croix

[bindi-QLD]

Hi Alexs,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through a relationship crisis like this. You must feel gutted thinking of her going to work and having feelings for someone, coupled with a background of fights and tension. Please don't panic, a crisis like this can be mended in many cases, and I'll give you some advice on that.

But first, If what you reported about her is correct, I see two positive things: She has not started an affair, and she is looking for advice because she wants to deal with her feelings in a mature way. She's not just diving in, she is trying to figure it out.

I believe one way to tackle this is to start with understanding the fights. What are they about? Usually you could divide them into categories like this: Financial, Substance abuse problems, Boundaries with family, friends, and the opposite sex. Try hard to write your own list of categories.

The next part, is be very honest about your contribution to the fighting. Don't shame yourself, just be honest with yourself about it. And ask yourself, are any of these things that you can change ? Are there any things you can't or won't change? The more solid you are in this line of thinking, the better you will be at negotiating with your girlfriend , and either moving the relationship forward or knowing that you can't.

I really believe your best move forward if you want to continue this relationship is to come to her with acknowledgment and an apology for your part in the fights, even though she's done things too. And not just an apology, but offer the truth about what you can and can't change. Start a discussion that way.

The connection/crush at her workplace needs to be addressed too. But do that after you've addressed the causes of your problems- hers as well as yours- and reassured one another that you both want to move forward. If you agree, what you will need to ask of her is for her stop getting close to the person she has a crush on. You'll need to be firm about it.

I wanted to add, that I know that being part of a music scene can mean your life is full of music scene people that enable alcohol or drug addiction, who cause distrust in your relationship, or worse, peers who treat women poorly as a culture- consider backing away from some of those people for a bit. Its almost impossible to mend a relationship whilst trying to be accepted by those kinds of peers. Focus on the person who really loves you and wants to see you be your best self.

[geoff]

hi Alexs, I tend to agree your g/friend hasn't started anything at the moment and maybe finding a way to avoid it, but this is going to make the r/ship tense, so be honest with her without raising our voice, and if she does begin then walk away.
Just ask her why she is doing what she is actually doing and that you maybe able to help her, if you both sat down and talked about everything, it won't be easy. Geoff.