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Relationship forming struggles

Community Member

Hey there,

Im so glad that I came across this forum as I think I really could use this space to blurt out what's going on in my head and have some people who may understand what's going.

So I seperated from my ex wife on Valentine's Day this year for a number of reasons which still sees us remain friends and there is no hate or anything there.

It has made me realise quite a few things and has enabled me to be myself. I had a rebound which was the best thing for me and was travelling well but the last couple of weeks I've had a dip in my mental state and I don't know why. There are still numerous things that remind me of her and it's not that I miss her I miss the way life was, I felt like I had a sense of purpose and meaning and now I feel lost but at the same time smothered with this feeling of life caving in and like I don't have a purpose anymore.

Im on dating websites and ill match with people but now I think there had been a fear engrained in me where I think there has to be this overwhelming feeling of being on cloud 9 for a romantic relationship to form. It's like I don't know if it will ever happen again or how it will. The prospect of forming and sharing a life with someone new is a scary thought and wonder if from here on in I'll always be comparing to my marriage. Will I wake up one day and will it just be a very distant memory and I'll be over it?

The other thing is there is a feeling of not being wanted and that I'm destined to fail at future relationships which is maybe why I'm subconsciously being guarded and not giving anyone a chance.

I feel like I'm going through life lost and sometimes wonder what the point of it is. I then feel like there is nothing wrong with me being by myself but then I do miss the emotional and physical intimacy.

Its slightly annoying and I don't know if that's the best word to use but my ex started dating someone at the end of May and is now looking at moving in with him and here I am still feeling lost. It actually makes me anxious and scared and makes me want to crawl into a hole and stay there.

Like, I don't know how I will know I have found someone I'm truly happy being with or is it something that I'll know when it happens. It doesn't help that I have low self confidence and am somewhat of an introvert so there very well could be someone out there but I don't actually have the balls to do anything about it. Ontop of that there is someone I have strong feelings for whom I work with but am confused on that

5 Replies 5

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear James~

Welcome here. I'm sorry your relationship broke up, it makes for a very hard time. For many self-doubt kicks in, wondering if it was all one's own fault, plus of course one misses all the good things and is very lonely.

Actually many break up by mutual agreement, not anyone's fault, just circumstances. With your ex finding someone else, you would not be human if you did not feel a pang of loss and loneliness as a result.

Trying to find someone else is hard, the dating sites do have the advantage of speed, however I'm not sure that is all good. When my first wife passed away I sought another, and corresponded (snail mail) with my current wife before moving on to emails then phone calls. By the time we met in person we both knew what to expect and were not simply bowled over by physical attraction. I'm not sure when 'cloud 9' kicked in but somewhere along the line we had each decided we wanted to be with the other, and that was confirmed when we met.

It worked out fine, we have been together in love for over 20 years.

You mentioned you were attracted to someone at your workplace. It (obviously) takes two to form a relationship so if you want to take the matter further you are going to have that person some indication of your interest, no matter how hard that may seem.

Perhaps low key, you might ask them for a coffee or similar and see what develops.If you don't feel up to asking face to face then use an email, though face to face is better of course, as you can both get a better impression of the other.

I'm sure everyone that has been in a relationship before does make comparisons. This is not necessarily a bad thing. All relationships have faults and learning from that to improve what is happening now is ideal.

I also think most people are frightened at the prospect of going out and finding a mate, it is nerve wracking and frightening, but most persevere and get there. Your post seems both perceptive and realistic, which leads me to think you will too.


Community Member

Gday James. And l'm sorry about your sitch, been there unfortunately.

And thanks to crOIx for your story , fantastic to read and very encouraging.So nice too the way you both wrote at the start until you were ready. too, every ones in such a god damn hurry now it's surreal.

Things you talk about james , l mean it hasn't been very long for you but l dunno how long you were married.

But mine was 19yrs together , so l needed time and l took about 2 1/2 yrs to myslef and just time with my daughter, Then l started to feel that if someone was to come along ,l felt like l could handle all th emotional stuff from ex and keep it where it belongs, l felt like l was close to ready.

l met a few girls , and spent some time we some , but no one hit the spot. Until at just over 3yrs .l met a gf and we had the time of our lives. Sadly for reasons, it can't work out but we were together nearly 2yrs and so now l'm back to square one. However they tell me l should be thankful for our good times even if it hasn't worked out , and they helped and did so many things for me , and were just so damn good , that yeah , l think maybe the advice was onto something.

Meanwhile though l'm back on the pile , my ex marriad the guy she met back when we split so yeah , know all about that one too.

But l can tell you she's been a bit of a psycho too , since we split , and even though she's married him , l don't have much faith in it and your w jumping in again so soon well, you just dunno mate, it might go no where. So many people especially the women latch onto the first thing that comes along so l wouldn't panic yet.

Anyway , if you feel you could handle something new ,l agree with croix if you like her enough , find a way to bit the bullet . Even if you can just have a coffee or two together , it's a nice no pressure start.

Things will fall into shape for you though , got a feeling about that .

Good luck

Community Member

Hi again .

Just wondering croix, if l could ask a bit more and it'd probably be really encouraging to James too but was your second wife long distance when you first met. ? But l love the idea of you guys writing and what have you, how long were you doing that before you met up ?

hope you don't mind me asking but its' a great story and something close to my heart because l've just spent near 20 mths in a mostly long distance relationship myself , after divorce 5yrs ago.

Sadly it hasn't worked out but there was a lot of emailing and chat app stuff, skype and what not. l think it could've should've , the feelings were all certainly there but she had some issues and sadly they all got too much.

l was also wondering , the way you say you sought another wife, so do you think you can do that , as if decide ok l want to get married again.? l would like to marry again and the gf and l had all those plans but well, as l say. l don't want to be desperate or anything but yeah , l would like to find that again.

Your right about the date site thing too, it's a pretty wild ride these days, talk about instant , and instant out and off again just as quickly too it seems. Not many people give it the time these days you and your wife did back then let me tell ya.

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Randomx - and James too of course~

No, it was not a distance relationship in terms of miles, we only lived about half an hour away from each other as it turned out. It was the distance of caution, shyness and all the other things that make one not want to hurry.

So we only corresponded without giving addresses to start with, in a couple of months we had progressed to emails and met a month or so after that. As I said before this approach paid dividends for us as we had the time to each form an opinion of the other.

In answer to your other question, yes I formed the very definite view that I should remarry. I had a wonderful first marriage and wanted to repeat the whole thing again. I'm the sort of person who needs to be in a partnership. My partner was of the same mind.

As for people nowadays giving it time, if that is what you want you will find someone prepared to do exactly that, and you will probably be a good match, just be up front and say that is how you want to go.


Community Member

tHANKs croix , great stuff.,fantastic story.

hope James finds it as encouraging as l did.

l'm the relationship type too , friends or the single life just don't cut it for me. At first after divorce, everything we put into 19 yrs and it not working out, starting over still am , l thought no thanks. Marriage means nothing to people these days but in time , alone , and then meeting the gf l was with , changed things and yeah l would much prefer in the long run .

gREat to see a happy ending out there and thanks again.

aLL the best . rx.

Ps , how you doin James. ?