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Relationship breakup

Community Member

I am new to this and am writing in the hopes that maybe someone out there will respond..
I have battled with depression for the last 5 years due to failed relationships. It all started when my ex fiance left me for someone else and through facebook I realised he was cheating on me and ended up getting the girl pregnant. They are married now with two kids... Somehow I have managed to get past all of that betrayal and pain. A few years later I met someone who I thought was so incredible. Understood me, valued me and put me first. However later I realised he was quite selfish and that he changed a lot from the person he was in the beginning with me. He isnt a bad person, but i guess still young and immature. We broke up about 7months ago after a serious relationship, talking about marriage and a life together.. and yesterday I found out he is moving to the US with his new of a few months girlfriend. I am shattered. I just cannot fathom how I ended up in a very similar predicament once again. I feel so much pain, I just cant handle it anymore my heart feels like its going to burst. I am a student and have lost all interest in my studies. I can't focus and there are many moments I feel like I cant go on. I feel like it sounds so stupid and that there are people out there with so much more pain they deal with.. but I just don't know how I will get through this one. I have a very supportive family and circle of friends and I love them for always looking out for me, so I feel blessed for that. Yet right now, I feel so lost and downtrodden. 
I don't know who will care to read this, but perhaps knowing I have put this out there maybe someone who also feels this way will know they aren't alone. 
I haven't said a word to anyone for two days, i just cant speak. So I came here. 
Thank you for reading. 

10 Replies 10

Community Member

Dear wonderer


Welcome to Beyond Blue & thank you for your post.


When we have troubles, they ARE troubles, they ARE big & they ARE important.   You are doing it tough right now & you need support & hopefully advice.


If I can touch on something that turns out to be advice, then that’ll be an even bigger bonus.


Relationships stuff – a bit later.


Your depression is what is concerning me right now, with how you’ve described how you’re feeling – this is a genuine concern.  Do you have a treating doctor who you go to for your depression & are you on medication??  Have you had a recent appointment?  I’m really hoping that you can get an appointment if you haven’t had one & to unload there, as a treating professional may have some mechanisms in place that they can pass on to you.


That is such a huge positive that you’ve got a great family support & a network of good friends – I assume they know of recent developments – & for the closer ones that you have, DO use them for support;   a shoulder to lean on or to cry on.  It can be very beneficial.  Oh & just on that, if you feel like a cry, then do it – let it go, because it’s better to let it out than to keep it bottled up.


Ok, I’ll try to be gentle here, but with this latest episode, I’ve read through a couple of times & the points that stand out to me are:  he was selfish, he changed from what he was initially, he’s young & immature.  All very good points – good points to you being good to move on from him.  Just imagine for a sec, if it turned out that you just met him & then were to journey overseas with him, only to find out down the track about all of this other stuff about him – so while it is & may well be sad for this ‘new gf’, it’s awesome that it’s not you in that situation.


Now you’ve had failed relationships, BUT you’ve had relationships, so I’m guessing here that you’ve “got the necessary bait” to attract potential suitors.  I get a feeling that you’re a bit of a social person (correct me if I’m wrong) – I say this, due to your supportive family & your circle of friends.  Just a guess, but I think if you can (in a little while) get back into your social group, & start trying to do what you’ve done before & things that you enjoy.  They are the main things to try to focus on.


You haven’t spoken for two days – no worries, speaking is highly over-rated anyway.  🙂


Would love to hear from you again.



Community Member
Neil's comments are really fantastic and I agree with everything he has said! I wanted to add, I know how you feel. My ex left me and shacked up with a girl in a similar group and after he split up with her, he got engaged about 6 months later to another girl. 8 years on, I'm married, pregnant with my first child and he is still single, none of those relationships having worked out. While it is hard to accept, try to find some light at the end of the tunnel in that they were not the right people for you and that it's not about you. I know that's hard, but try to have faith that you will meet the right person. In regards to how you are feeling about studying and not speaking - totally understandable. Try to give yourself a break and do something you enjoy to remind yourself of the good aspects of your life. 

Dear Neil,

Thank you for taking the time to write back. Funnily enough I had a fear that no one would reply.
About two months ago I started seeing a psychologist. I felt I needed to talk to someone that has no relation to me or my situation. I haven't returned to her for about a month now, but I will make another appointment soon. I am not on medication-my family has had some tough times for many years which made them take anti-depressants, I was the only one that was still positive etc, and seeing the effects it had on them I always promised myself i'd never go on them. 
I am not discounting anti-depressants as treatment but Im doing everything in my power not to take them. I do however take St.Johns Wort and stress vitamins to help.

You are right about it being lucky it wasn't me.I do feel like I have dodged some major bullets these years with regards to relationships. I realise my exes have been subtly manipulative and made me feel bad about a lot of things. I used to apologise for things that weren't even my fault or apologise for reactions I was actually justified in having. People said that they took my spark away.

He isn't a permanent resident in the country or a citizen but he was working towards that.Before he broke up with me his visa was about to expire & would to apply again. He came up with this idea of moving in together & applying for the partner visa. He knew from the start, that I come from a culture that moving in with someone is not really an option and it's kind of frowned upon. You marry someone first. He accepted this &after all the time together, he threw the comment that he'll never marry me unless he sees how its like to live with me first. I don't judge/care if other people live together before marriage,but it was a back stab for him to say this to me especially when he said he accepted my culture.I hope this makes sense.I know this rings alarm bells that he was using me for the visa and perhaps so.Last time I spoke to him he said he's bored here, hence he's trying the US.

I am a very social person, always have been known as the most positive and happy one. But I just can't stop thinking about everything. I go through things a hundred times in my mind. What did I do wrong. Maybe I should have moved in with him? But I stuck to my values. I can't sleep, lost my appetite, losing weight and have nightmares nearly every night. I wake up unable to breathe, crying and my heart beating so hard against my chest. 
So so tired of it all. 

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Firstly,wonder, depression sucks. There might stuff going on that acerbates how you feel. But the symptoms of depression suck. I reckon seeking professional help in a unavoidable necessity.

With regard relationship drama; I can't help there, but I can tell you a funny story. I've been in a relationship longer than my 3 siblings put together.I just lack continuity. I do have 3 sons from first relationship.  But it always seems I'm the one being told it should end. Of course that is simplifying it - I must be slow on the uptake. One one occasion my then partner and I were in bed (no we weren't sleeping). She offered that "why can't we just be friends." She did seem surprised that I became a tad upset. I haven't shared this with anyone else. I did try to be friends.It was hard as she is drop dead gorgeous. Anyway, she eventually met some one more suitable, but with a  jealous streak, so the friendship thing became more circumspect. I also found myself in a relationship with 3 different women (something that never happened ever and wasn't intended). But it work itself out. My friends shake their heads at me. We can't know how our lives will eventuate, but can only make the most of opportunities that emerge.You seem to do that.Good luck.

Community Member

Dear Wonderer,


Thank you for your latest response and you know what stood out like a shining beacon to me, was the part where you wrote:  (actually I’m going to paraphrase it).   You have your set of values, bound from your culture (which is awesome by the way) and further on you asked, what did I do wrong, maybe I should have moved in with him?  But I stuck to my values.   YES YES YES.   Absolutely brilliant stuff.


Ok, we’ve got other issues to discuss as well, like your eating, sleeping, worrying, etc, BUT you can look yourself in the mirror every day and know that the person looking back is a strong-willed young lady who will not be pressured into doing something that is not “right”.  That is a huge tick in my books and I can tell you that you should be damned proud of that.


Manipulative and using, would be two words I’d use to describe this person, so it’s good that he’s out of your life.  I hope it’s ok for me to say that.


Now, I’ve heard about St John’s Wort but know little about it;  I’m guessing it’s an ok thing, but potentially you may be in the market for some specially designed medications to help you through this period – and that might all it could turn out to be – just a period of time to take some anti-depressants, so you can get things ‘right’ in your thinking and your mind, and then after a while, you may find that you may not need it any more?   Just a suggestion.


I think the thing to try to focus on are the manipulative ploys he was using with you and how he was trying to push you into moving in together, trying to weaken your resolve.


But also, I think that if you’re able to get back to your psyche that would be a very beneficial thing, and not sure whether you feel you have a good gp to go too, but if yes, then I would be perhaps making an appointment there as well, to try and help you with your issues of getting to sleep, the lack of appetite and eating and the other issues that are troubling you.


Again, would love to hear back from you to see how you’re going.


Kind regards



Thanks for your post... It helps to know that of course i am not the only one but also that there will perhaps be a happy ending? Congratulations on your pregnancy and i wish you all the best. It seems you have worked through all your past hurt and am glad to hear you have moved on to find better things. 
Regards xx

Thanks for your advice and sharing your story with me. Relationships are hard and like you said we need to make the best of what we get. I hope you find what you are looking for 🙂 xx

Dear Neil,

It has been some time since i logged in here and responded. Since last time I wrote, things got quite dark for me for a while... 
It seemed that I just kept on getting deeper and deeper in a downward spiral. I couldn't sleep for days at a time and then when sleep did come, it felt like a coma. I lost my appetite, crying constantly but constantly...i forgot what my face looked like normally..sigh..  My studies really suffered and it started to show in my grades. I was failing assessments at uni and this affected me a lot as I've never failed anything in my life. Doubting myself, my choices and my abilities... 

I lost the plot to say the least... So I made an emergency appt with my doctor and he recommended anti-depressants. I was at the point where I would take any drug to get me out of this darkness and for a while I took other substances hoping it would take the pain away. I also called my uni helpline to get some advice on uni because I was on the verge of withdrawing. They assured me that I could drop my unit load and do less subjects to relieve the stress and it wouldn't affect my degree if I went part time. This was a MAJOR relief.

I started anti-depressants about 7 weeks ago and I am starting to feel like myself again. My family is supportive but I dont think they really understood the extent of what I felt and were against anti-depressants in the beginning. They see a bit of a differnce in me now and are happy. 

I don't intend to stay on them for long, but to get me through this. Things are getting a little better. I heard my ex is actually leaving next week and not in August and surprisingly (i dont know if its the anti-depressants talking) but good riddance. 
Everyday I go through things in my mind, over and over. What I did wrong and things he said to me and how he treated me sometimes. It wasn't all bad but its easier to think of the times he wasn't so great than when he was. But then when i do think of the good times, i question his true motives and whether he really meant things. I think he loved me but I dont think he was inlove with me. I'd like to think that when you love someone and are inlove with them, you don't give up so easily on them or that you treat them badly when you are with them. 

I hope to hear from you again. 

I am finally starting to see some light in the darkness. 


And as I say good riddance that hes leaving, a big part of me is still cut up about it.
I have been debating whether to I should contact him to wish him well and all the best etc? I havent heard from him since January where he called to wish me for my birthday. 

But i think to myself..he has moved on. He is moving to another country with his new gf...why should I call him to wish him well after he broke my heart? Even though we tried to end it on good terms, I am not part of his life. 
I don't know what to do. He leaves next week (i dont know the exact date) and Im just not sure if i'll ever hear from him again.