Relationship anxiety

[BlueeBird]

Hi,

I am currently suffering a lot of anxiety about my relationship. We met a few months ago (4) and I was never in the mindset of dating I just wanted something casual from the start I felt emotionally unavailable, I’m sick of getting hurt so I just wanted to be by myself and heal so I can be better in future relationships. (I had horrible relationship in the past)
however this guy fell in love really quickly, and I stuck around coz of lockdown and he is a great company, we got to know each other and now it feels like we are serious, I have been living with him.
Things are good we both want to grow in life and we try to understand each other more and more.
however coz of my anxiety I have a lot of doubts and insecurities. I am always scared he doesn’t like me or I don’t like him, I never felt obsessed with him… you know that OMG I AM SO IN LOVE type of thing which always made me wonder if I truly like him… I know it’s too early to tell but this anxiety feeling is killing me, I think of leaving him and ending things but I don’t want to feel like I’m escaping but also what if that’s what I really want?! I honestly can’t answer because I don’t know what’s real and what’s my trauma and my brain just keeps asking questions I truly don’t know the answer.
I do like him as a person, he is nice and all but I feel like having someone else in my life rn is just a massive baggage that I’m scared of.
his flaws affects me a lot in a emotional level, I’m a massive empath, he is the opposite, I know my traumas and flaws, he doesn’t says he doesn’t have any traumas and doesn’t care about that for him because that only brings him down, (is he in denial? Idk maybe he truly doesn’t have any traumas even tho his life was always tough) so we never talk about it which makes me feel not connected emotionally to him, but I feel like he’s always here for me and my traumas but I want to be there for him too, he is purely logic and science, I am emotions and astrology. He’s a great guy and we want same things for our future… but how do I know I truly love and am in love when I can’t even figure myself out?! I am just confused, anxious and frustrated mostly with myself. So many questions, so little answers.
anyway I needed to rant-

if you also go through relationship anxiety you are not alone.

[geoff]

Hello BlueeBird, and a warm welcome to the site.

When two meet they obviously have baggage from the past, sometimes it may be good, while other times not so good, but with a new person and you have a 'massive empath' you're looking for someone who understands how you are feeling, console you when needed and enjoy the good times together, but if he is in denial of having any baggage that may or may not be a good time.

At the moment he's there to help you with what may be troubling you, that's good, but for you to know exactly how he feels not only about himself and what he is not telling you may be OK at the moment, but the longer the relationship goes on, these problems will slowly surface and take you by survive, only wishing he had told you much earlier.

Try and ask him about his previous relationships and why they ended, and if by chance he keeps blaming his previous partners for their breakup then that's a warning sign, especially if the two of you love doing the same thing.

I wonder whether he's genuine and agreeing with you just to have another partner or whether he does actually love you.

I haven't spoken about your past but will if you can get back to us.

Take care.

Geoff.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. It's only been 4 months you've been together. These questions is a reflection of your insecurities I think and they are normally asked to yourself during a dating period so perhaps you are going through that while living together which isnt ideal.

When we have differences we can fall into the trap of trying to analyse them as to why. Commonly it is just because someone ticks differently. EG that he doesnt experience trauma like you do. Well thats not something to search for "why" because it is something that he can cope with. Why search for a problem that isnt there? "says he doesn’t have any traumas and doesn’t care about that for him because that only brings him down, (is he in denial?" We all cope differently and it is a mistake to assume that other people dont experience grief or sadness because they do, just soooo differently. For some avoiding trauma is far better than regularly grieving over it. They might feel they can cope far better and continually function better by getting back to work for example while some of us fall in a heap.

What is important is that you accept him for being the way he is and equally important he accepts you. That might mean that he can show you empathy and give support when you need it and he might need support in a totally different way. As long as you have that desire to support each other in your individual ways is to satisfy those needs you are ok.

Finally your past trauma could be better relieved by seeking professional help. When we bring past relationship issues with us and we relive those times while in our new relationship that insecurity can be damaging to it. He likely wont want to hear about it very much and frankly I dont blame him as he cant erase the past. Chatting over a drink and mentioning your past relationship/s is fine as he might also but when it becomes a replacement for therapy he will get annoyed. Cradle your newfound relationship by keeping it to a minimum and changing the topic when you've fallen into the trap of a lengthy dramatic period (which sometimes happens).

So I say give yourself more time. Get to know his inner thoughts and feelings. Try not to base your valuable time with him on your past. It isnt easy to let go of a traumatic time in the past whatever it is but you might need to force yourself to bite your tongue and keep the subjects as happy ones.

For what its worth you are doing well.

TonyWK

[BlueeBird]

Hi!
That was very helpful and it made my mind at ease. I think you are right and made some good points to think about.
thank you so much for the input.