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Relationship advice , boys night

Peppa62
Community Member

Little back story I have been with my boyfriend 10years. At the end of last year I found some things on his phone (apps secret snap chat account) and it devestated me. He claims he never physically cheated but was communicating with other girls. Fast forward to now and we are trying to work it out . He has a boys night coming up which is fine but I just asked for a few “conditions” I guess. Like call me to collect you, no drugs (his mates do them) and I’m not comfortable with him going back some ones house after the night out even if it is his mates. We then had a big fight because he said I’m putting rules on him and when I do that it makes him want to do it more , which seems crazy to me why do something that you know will hurt your partner ?? He then said this is part of the reason everything went wrong last year. I stop him from doing stuff. Which maybe I once did but I’m trying to be understanding and ok with him going our without me (even though it makes me trust issues spike) but if he could just work with me in regards to a few boundary’s it would put my mind at ease . Am I being unreasonable ? Any thoughts on how to talk to him without him blowing up and arguing with me?

Seems a silly thing to argue about but the trust is broken and he can’t understand the hurt.

8 Replies 8

White_Rose
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Dear Peppa

Welcome to the forum. So pleased you found us and decided to write in. Have you looked at any other threads? It may be worthwhile to see if there are others who have been through similar events.

After ten years it seems strange that the BF does not know you well enough to understand you get worried about him doing things such as taking drugs. Also talking to other girls which to me is a big betrayal and one he does recognise no matter what he says. If everything was above board he would tell you. It looks like he has gradually slipped into ways of pleasing himself with little regard for you and this is incredibly hurtful.

Relationships will not last when the partners do not trust each other. You said you had trust issues. Is this because others have been untrustworthy? It is hard to give unconditional trust when you know it's taken for granted and not reciprocated. The details of his night out and what he wants to do may appear trivial on the surface but it is a bit like an iceberg, most of it cannot be seen but you know it's there.

After your 'big fight' last year did you sit down and talk about his and your expectations of each other? It may be useful to have this discussion though probably not until after the boys' night out. Perhaps you can flag this with him and ask him to think about what he wants/expects from you in order for you both to be prepared. And of course you need to think about your needs and how you feel. Unless you both work out a mutually acceptable way of leading your lives this situation will continue with both of you feeling hard done by.

It's not a case of one giving in to the other but of mutual respect and understanding. I would not be happy if my partner took drugs because his friends did so. It is a serious matter and I wonder how he sees it. If you cannot come to an agreement, which will probably mean you need to explain your feelings and accept his feelings, I think your relationship will not last. Just because one of you wants something does not mean it's good for the relationship.

These are my thoughts and may appear unhelpful to you. I hope you will continue to post here.

Mary

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Peppa62,

I’m not surprised that you don’t trust your partner, you found secret dating apps on his phone, which hardly instills trust. And now you are obviously worried when he goes out on his own and alcohol or drugs are involved, that he can’t be trusted. I think the conditions that you have requested are fair to expect in a relationship, I wouldn’t particularly want my partner sleeping over a mates place after a night of drinking or drugs. If someone is going to cheat, that would make it perfectly easy and unverifiable for them to do so.

I think that your partner knows that your expectations are fair. But is pushing against them so as to maintain absolute and total freedom, which you only usually get when a partner trusts you. Whereas he hasn’t proven that he is trustworthy yet but wants to enjoy all those benefits as if he has. How old is your partner out of curiosity?

We are both 27. I think I am just at my wits end on how to get him to understand how it is making me feel.

I am partially worried to talk to him about these things as I’m afraid he will leave me or decide working at our relationship is to much effort. But I feel like I do so much for him even in regards to day to day life.

When I found those things on his phone it broke me . I always held him in such high regard in terms of our relationship . I thought he thought I was his everything and that was taken from me the moment I found those things on his phone .

We have talked in length about all that happened and I think now he thinks because we have talked about it and it was months ago that I should be moving forward . But I’m finding it really hard in certain areas. And I don’t know how to communicate that to him without it leading to an arguement and I hate to make him feel bad .

Sorry to unload but I’m feeling really burdened and down

pvroom
Community Member

Hi peppa62

Trust is a really big issue and from what you are saying I worry that you don't have enough support. Would your boyfriend go to couples counselling? Do you have family or friends you can talk to?

Peppa62
Community Member
I am considering first counselling for myself and then maybe asking him to come along . I do have friends and family however prefer not to share with them what he has done as I don’t want them to dislike him or feel differently about him.

pvroom
Community Member

Counselling is a great idea for you. I hope you can find someone quickly, your GP should be able to help.

Do you think your partner is perhaps making you question yourself? This could be a bit of gaslighting - emotional manipulation. Or perhaps he truly does not see it as poor behaviour. If you don't feel comfortable telling a friend or family member then perhaps it is because you are internalising it and thinking maybe it's not as bad as you think? I've been there and it was because my partner was gaslighting me. It's impossible for me to be sure of course, only you know your relationship but I just wanted to suggest that. I wished someone had been able to tell me about it when I was in my previous relationship and this was happening.

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Peppa62,

I think solo counseling is a great idea. I did it when I left my previous relationship and it was so lovely to go to someone who validated my feelings and told me that my expectations were perfectly reasonable, after being told for so many years that they weren’t. Unit partner may be completely unaware of the effect that his behavior has had on you, but I haven’t had any trouble understanding how you are feeling right now for example. He may just be immature at the moment and need to do a bit of growing up, but he isn’t showing much understanding or care towards you right now. You are well within your rights to explain what behavior you will and won’t accept in a relationship. And I think a goal should be to work towards that for yourself. You deserve to be listened to and have your feelings taken into consideration.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Peppa, thanks for posting your comment.

Trust is developed early on in a relationship and should be strengthened as time progresses, you know what each other does and wants to do, but when this is broken or questioned, then there is a break in the honesty of your relationship.

If this continues then you won't know what are the secrets that each other get up to and that all trust between the two of you has gone.

It's an enormous step to overcome all of this, counselling will certainly help, but once this finishes then you have to believe and trust what each other say.

If this, unfortunately, happens, then it's time to make a decision, I'm very sorry.