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I’d imagine it would be hard to come here and talk about this, it’s a very personal and loaded subject. I can understand if your husband has become reluctant to have sex with you for the past year or so it is natural to feel rejected, unwanted and as lonely as you do.
However before thinking along those lines are you sure this problem does not have a physical cause? If I was in your husband’s situation I’d think going for a check-up with my doctor would be the first port of call. There could be many physical reasons, some related directly to sexual performance and other more general health issues that reduce desire or ability as a by-product.
I know you said you talked to your husband about this and were told he was older and “what do I do?”. You husband may in fact not know what to do, so a check-up might be a start.
For many males talking about their sexual performance is difficult, and if there is a feeling of inadequacy it becomes that much harder. What may seem to you to be a rational open conversation may seem to him to be an accusation and a failure.
Once you are able to discount the medical side then would be the time to look at what was happening, any discernible causes and what to do.
Please don’t think I’m dismissing your concerns, just trying to approach the problem in the best way. I hope you continue to talk here and say what you think.
Sometimes we are in the position to see things better than our partners and this does give an onus to take action. You are in that position now I guess, seeing a trend to inactivity and alcohol that your husband may not even be as aware of himself. This seems to go beyond the initial issue you had and may affect his long term health too.
While I know it is hard to hurt someone you love it might be a kindness in the long run to get your husband more active and to use alcohol less. You know him, and I'd imagine can press a little without going overboard. A checkup and maybe joint exercises might be something to aim for.
I've found I'd do things for my health out of concern for my partner, hopefully his love and concern for you will come to the fore and he will cooperate for your sake.
Well I'm sorry it has not been working and have got to the stage of asking "what's wrong with me?". Wrong question. I'm afraid to be blunt you are a very giving person but are not getting much in return.
You've said he will just "sit on the couch and drink", and while he might pay lip service to the idea of the gym and the doctor nothing happens. Being tired from work is not a reason for neglect, either of you or himself. It is reason for him to take steps to cope physically and mental better which takes determination and effort.
I"m sure trying to hold in those words "you’re just fat and lazy! It has NOTHING to do with our age gap!" is getting harder and harder. When I make an effort for someone, I expect at the back of my mind that at some stage a return effort will be made.
I'm not talking of an exact accounting style balance, just being able to see there is care and appreciation and for me to receive as well as to give. If that does not happen when opportunities have been present then I think I'm behaving like a servant and am being treated accordingly.
In that case anger and resentment builds up. No surprise!
I can only offer thoughts, not solutions. I think your husband needs to take your needs and care seriously, and make a considerable effort. How you get him to do that I don't know. I do know that your first step is to see you are not at fault and need to have limits. What do you think about this?
Having a baby is something else again, falling pregnant to please someone, which many have done, is something, if it was me, I'd think more about as there will be a third person in the equation. Again I'm not suggesting anything other than request you be sure of what you personally want.
It occurs to me to mention I'm a mild sort of person but on occasions anger has allowed me to say things otherwise I would not have, and that is not necessarily a bad thing.