Recovery from emotional affairs

[Tommo_Hawk]

I'm seriously stuck.
2 years ago my wife started what I feel was an emotional affair with a close friend of hers. I found out, confronted her, we discussed it.
I was told it was just "dumb shit" a mistake..., 3 months later found out it was still going - sexting, pictures, talking very negatively about me as a father and husband. Again i confronted my wife, i said i understand friends, couldn't care less if they are male female , from mars or are purple with 7 heads, what the issue was was a line had been crossed, i had been give reassurances that it was nothing and over when it wasn't.
I ended up in therapy trying to see what I was told, couldn't do it as the evidence and experience was in direct conflict with what she was telling me, whilst this was happening i discovered more direct and explicit sexual chat. Excuses where "I'm not responding". I don't buy it as this stuff doesn't come out of nowhere. People don't start message with " to continue to tease" if nothing is going on.
We are now in couple counselling, she still shares most of what we talk about with this "friend".

I struggle to accept what she tells me, i feel very suspicious or vigilant and I don't want to be.
I'm lost, we have daughter, i still love my wife but I can't shake a felling that she thinks this is just my problem to resolve.

In short, the dark clouds are building, I'm shit out of steam.

Lost, need help/advice.

[geoff]

Hello Tommo_Hawk, and welcome to the site.

I'm really sorry, that firstly this has happened and secondly the way you have been spoken about in a negative way, what it does is demean your own security, especially with your daughter and the trust you had instilled with your wife.

We do encourage people to have counselling, however, in this particular situation, it's not easy to understand why or comprehend her behaviour behind your back because eventually, this is something that's impossible to keep quiet as in one way or another there will be clues left or an indication that something is going on behind your back, so I understand how you are feeling, and I would feel exactly the same if that was happening with me.

It's unfortunate that you have been lied to and the trust you had always expected has been broken and whether or not you can believe what she has to say, must be doubtable and always wondering where she has been and what's she's doing if she's not with you.

You can love someone but at times like this, you must be wondering how you feel and if this will ever stop, and if so, the repercussions that will evolve from it, as you have your daughter to look after, who may not even be aware of what's happening.

I can't tell you what to do, however, if my wife had ever been doing this our marriage would definitely be suffering and whether you get the truth from your wife, is questionable.

Can I suggest along with hearing back from you, is that your daughter can contact Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 by phone, webchat or online, these counsellors are trained and dress in casual clothes, this seems to make it easier for people like your daughter to feel more comfortable in opening up.

When you have the time it would be great for you to get back.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Tommo_Hawk]

Hi Geoff

Thanks for the welcome and kind words.
Some more information for context. We have been together for 17 years, our daughter is 5.
My wife has unmanaged Bipolar 2, a great source of concern for me as I don't know if the negative events or injuries to the relationship stem from that or if it is deliberate.

Everyone conversation is a fight, my words get twisted, my efforts to learn about her condition are thrown back in my face, then the pause and a nice conversation follows. I often feel these secondary chats are guided or a bit of an act as she realises she has hurt me by lashing out.

Recently i asked her to "shoot straight" when talking to me, I may not like what i hear but i want to know the raw real truth. If i have nothing to worry about as she says, then I don't want things kept from me. The friendship can be open and talked about if it is that.
Within a week she was covering up meetings with this friend.

If i bring it up i get told that I don't understand or I can't move on. I very much want to move on. I want her to have good friends, it is a very important thing. I have massive doubts about the healthy nature of this friendship in relation to her BP and that i seem to be the " bad guy"

This friend tells her that i gaslight her because i have issues with the friendship, there are red flags everywhere.

I am being very stubborn or sacrificial on it, I say yes I will try to accept the friendship. On the inside I am screaming out stop.

I fell i cant even discuss this in our counselling without it being broadcast straight back to this guy.
I am going to approach this very issues at our next session. I don't expect it to go well at all.

Cheers

Tom

[geoff]

Hello Tom, thanks for explaining a little more, and all I know that BP can cause mood swings ranging from lows to highs and hope someone with BPD can join us, especially if I make a statement that needs to be corrected.

I would be the same as you and want to know the truth in this situation, but that's what I worry about, and not sure what your wife and this other person talk, about will be relaid back to you, but what your wife and yourself discuss will be told to this other person, unfortunately.

Does your wife know that she has BPD and whether or not this other person actually knows, if they don't and find out that may cause them to break up, sorry, I can't say this as I'm not a doctor, but know from experience?

It's not easy to accept this r/lationship because as you say you are 'screaming out stop' and this other person will tell your wife not to discuss what's happened.

Not only does your wife need medical treatment but I would be saying everything at the next counselling session, this is something that's causing great concern, please Tom keep us informed.

Thanks.

Geoff.

[Tommo_Hawk]

Well Geoff
Thanks for the advice, turns out it was more than "emotional"
We are finished
I will greet the sun tomorrow to start again.

[geoff]

Hello Tom, I'm really sorry, it's a cruel way to find out and I absolutely sympathise with you Tom.

If you want to get back to us, now or at any time, please do as much must be going through your mind.

My thoughts are with you, Tom.

Geoff.

[Elsam]

@Tommo_Hawk

I am sorry to read what you are going through, I went through the same with my husband and we had been together 25 yrs until I was strong and brave enough to walk away.

Your last post makes me so sad for you, I am sitting here in tears myself thinking about my past and listening to love songs which don’t help.

So sad that you have a young child as well, I didn’t have children thankfully

Hope you can manage your grief and pain, it is very traumatic and I still have days that i feel guilty for walking away

Best of luck, I am here if you need to chat

M

[Guest_3256]

hi buddy.

I am very sorry about your situation. The pain that people cause can run deep in others, their toxicity can ruin our lives, these people can be really bad for not only themselves, but for their partners. This might be a turning point for now with a new beginning that was meant be - which ever direction you chose to go. Grieve as much as you need to, letting all of those emotions out, it will be worth it and will help you become better and know better. This person is only living a fantasy, something that is not real - fictional.

Please look after yourself buddy, make you priority moving forward, think about what things can be changed in your life and how you can be a better person for yourself. Take this opportunity to have time for you and heal mentally and physically.