Recently separated.. I think

[TheMich]

I have recently separated from my partner of 22 years. I made the final decision at xmas and moved out after dealing with a couple of years of abuse, an emotional affair, and not really understanding where I stand. He is 49 and I am 46.

We own properties together and he is living in our main residential property. We do not have children together, however I have 2 adult girls that he has assisted in bringing up.

After not having a conversation with for 1 month, I called in unannounced to have a 'discussion'. He is not keen on speaking about anything, but says we dont have to sell the house yet, I am not sure if I want you in my life, then says maybe wait another month as I everything may be clearer. I have absolutely no idea where I stand. Its like he is hanging on to me 'just in case'.

He does not have anyone else and says he isnt interested in anyone else, as he just wants to be alone. He just tells his family that I am busy at work and staying in our unit (which is 1 hour away from our residential home). So I just getting to point that I cant be bothered anymore. I go to home when I know he isnt there mainly to walk my dog and have a spa!

So my question is... after 22 years do I just give up and focus on myself?

[MO2TG]

Hi
That's a tough situation. This is a great place to reach out, gather perspective etc
Im 18months into our separation after 24yrs and have hung on that long. I have come to realise that I need to move on. He is done..not by his words but by his actions or inaction. He has said thel line ' its not you its me.' I gave space and time to no avail.

It is what it is. The grieving has lessened.
I was given advice today to write down all the reasons we're not together, for when I'm sad.
I have done all the financial separation and its settled.
Only contact now is for our 2 teenagers, though that is minimal.
He checked out .. end of story.
Though this is my story, there is a time when u need to move on for yourself. When u feel u are ready. There is no time frame for that, only u can decide.
I have found here helpful and seeing a counsellor.
Wish u all the best.

[geoff]

Hello TheMich, if you have had to cope with a couple of years of abuse, an emotional affair, and then says 'maybe wait another month as everything may be clearer', well it might, but it won't be the same as it was once before and the point is, you go back home to walk the dog and then have a spa, and if there was any chance of a reconciliation, then having a spa would be when he's home.

His main thought would be about the properties you both own, the concern is the emotional affairs could be where he is investing more energy outside your marriage but also he is receiving their emotional support and friendship from any new relationship, especially when he might be sharing intimate thoughts and feelings with someone else as well as thoughts on what to do with a property or a tenant, rather than with you.

After myself being in a 25 year marriage ending in divorce, my suggestion would be to focus on yourself, and how you do this I'd be interested to know, only if this suits you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[TheMich]

Thank you for the suggestion of writing everything down... wow is all I can say. I have made an appointment with my GP and will work on my mental & physical wellbeing. Appreciate the advice.

[TheMich]

Thanks Geoff. I am going to focus on myself by investing more 'me time'. I dont have any dependants. Hopefully I can do some travel and focus on getting my mind in the right place. This is the first time I have been alone. I am not interested in jumping in to another relationship.

[geoff]

Hello TheMich, thanks for getting back and I concur, being in another relationship takes time if that's what you decide to do later on, with myself I've been single for many years, only because that's what I've wanted, I can do whatever suits me at the time I want.

People do ask me 'what time do you get up or go to bed' and are quite bemused by the hours I keep, that's what has only developed and now I find it convenient.

Best wishes.

Geoff.