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Recently separated and not coping well

BBUser44
Community Member

Hello

I broke up with my partner of over two years a few days ago due to him completely shutting down on me for the last few months. I am struggling to cope. At times I have trouble breathing and I feel so empty. I am so confused and angry and can't stop crying. I moved a long distance away with him to start a new life and now I am alone with no family or friends. He was supposed to be my best friend. I moved out without furniture or a car and have had to start again. He said he would never leave me with nothing if we ever broke up so I trusted that and sold my furniture and my car. I haven't had any contact with him but I am so tempted to try and find out why he did this to me. I know this will not help and only prolong the pain. How do I stop feeling like this? I do know in my heart it is for the best but right now I can't imagine having to move on without him in my life 😢

11 Replies 11

Jenski
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi there

Welcome to the site and thank you for reaching out.

For now I think just focus on yourself and healing, two years is a long time to be with someone and our feelings don't switch off instantly.

Try calming yourself by taking a deep breath and holding it for 3 seconds then slowly releasing. If you find yourself constantly having trouble with breathing, please book into see your GP.

Sadly there are no quick fixes when it comes to a relationship ending, we all deal with these in different ways.

I encourage you to try and eat well and also sleep well during this time as when we get worn down small things can easily turn into mountains.

There are lots of people here to support you.

Jennifer

pipsy
Community Member

Hi there. Lynda is my name. It must've been kind of weird to have him suddenly not speaking to you for no apparent reason. I would wait for a while, week or so, then contact him and ask if he is ready to talk yet. If he still doesn't respond, I guess there's not much you can do. You were with him two years or so, I would maybe approach him and ask for some financial assistance so you can re-establish yourself. Remind him of his promise to not leave you with nothing. Because you weren't married, but in a de-facto relationship, I think he does have to reimburse you something. I don't know about the legalities here, or even if you want to enforce something. You should be entitled to something though.

You have nothing to lose by just asking him for help.

Lynda.

Frink
Community Member

Hi there

I'm currently going through something similar. My wife of 10 years and I were moving back to Australia and she changed her mind after I had already left, and told me our relationship is over. I have to go back to New Zealand to be with my kids, but I am going to have to rebuild my life as I have been too focused on family lately to build up a network of friends.

My plan is to get out and get involved. I'm going to do some voluntary work and redefine the person I have been. I have started going to the gym, which helps release endorphins and makes me feel better (for a while). I'm also going to get involved in a few other clubs and things so I can rebuild my social network. I feel terrible right now, a complete mess, but I know the sun will come up tomorrow. One day at a time and I know things will get better, even though they look pretty bad right now.

I'm trying to find the positives in the situation, and I guess our marriage just wasn't meant to last.

You can get past this, and look forward to a new future. You can either move back to where you came from, or make the most of the place you are in right now. Good luck.

BBUser44
Community Member

Thank you for your response it means a lot. I am still feeling empty, confused and heartbroken. I saw him last week and he still refuses to talk to me. He says there's nothing to talk about since it was me who decided to leave. How could I stay when I was being ignored and made to feel unloved and unwanted. It is so much harder moving on when I think he still cares but won't talk about it! I am having some better moments as each day goes on and then it hits me in waves again! Hating feeling like this, just wish I could feel better!

Hello lovely,

I am so sorry to hear about the end of your relationship. Although this was a while ago, I too was in a relationship with someone for 2 years. I moved to a different state with my family while he stayed behind. We tried long distance and for a year, we were successful, but things fell apart very quickly after that. Although I was a bit relieved to start fresh, I was still very sad for a while. I cried a lot too and felt horrible. But I want you to know that this won't last forever. Yes, you might not feel that right now and you might not feel that tomorrow or in a months time, but one day you'll be okay. You will learn from this experience and you will come to understand that sometimes things have to end for better things to come. I don't know if it helps to say it, but if you both still truly care about each other and still want to be a part of each other's lives, then things will work out how they're supposed to. Even if that means you meet someone else, it will work out, just be patient.

In the meantime though, I want you to know that it's okay to feel confused or sad or empty. Healing is not linear and it's now time for you to think about yourself. For myself, it helped to find distractions. Take up a new hobby, spend time with your friends, pick up more hours at work (if that's possible for you to do!) or focus on your studies. It also helps to talk about it and believe me, there is nothing wrong with having a good cry! You will heal and remember, you're not alone, although you may feel like it. Your family and friends are there for you.

Stay positive and try to remember the memories that you two made together. Although you two are no longer in each other's lives, it doesn't mean that you can't appreciate what happened.

I wish you all the luck in the world and please post back as many times as you'd like. We're here for you.

Kindest regards,

carnevermind xo

BBUser44
Community Member

Thank you all again.

I was just starting to have some positive moments in the last day or 2. I had come to terms with the fact that I own nothing and have to start again. I had come to terms with the fact that he refuses to communicate with me about anything. I have just learned, however, that after he maxed out my credit card, left me with no furniture (I am sleeping on a single mattress in an empty room!!!) and took $3000 from the sale of my car to pay his bills that I have also been left with another $2800 in household bills that I am guessing he won't help pay for? I don't know as he won't talk to me.

I am just so shocked and reeling as I thought I knew this person. He always told me he'd never leave me with nothing and that he would probably be the one to walk away with nothing! How can I ever trust again? I don't mind starting again but to not pay what you owe is unbelievable to me.

I am devastated, heartbroken, confused and angry and sad and empty that someone I thought cared about me could do this no matter what the situation. I have no family or close friends where I am and my beautiful daughters have been a wonderful support but I can't unload my troubles on them.

I'm just so lost 😞

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello, I too am very sorry for your situation because I too have been through this after 25 years of marriage my wife decided to divorce me, although there were circumstances to why, but the same feeling is awful.
After reading all of the replies and then your last comment this guy has been playing on you, so that he could take advantage of everything he could, so virtually he was a conman, much to your disappointment after being together for 2 years and what you thought you were both forming a real relationship.
He won't pay for the costs that you need and that's the sad part about it all, someone you thought you loved and assumed he loved you as well, but now he won't talk to you, and you will feel much better off once you get settled down again, but I'm so sorry for all of this to happen to you.
Do you need help in paying these bills or tostop these creditors from annoying you, and if so then go to Anglicare they will stop all the calls and set up a repayment plan for you. Geoff. x

pipsy
Community Member

Hi there. What a shock for you. I would also try to put a stop on your credit card, if you haven't already. Possibly through legal aid you could make him repay you for what he stole on your card. He sounds like a 'piece of work' and you are well rid of him, but I would try to get some compensation for what he owes you. The amounts he's taken he would have needed your signature or some form of guarantee before the loan would've been approved. I would definitely get some legal advice on this one. Geoff's idea about approaching Anglicare for help is great. Also try approaching c'link for some financial help. Do you now have your credit card, if you don't, put a 'stop' on it so he can't access further money from it. He sounds as though he's a real con man.

Lynda.

BBUser44
Community Member

Hi all

Had a difficult day today as I found out he has already been out with someone (as friends or something else I don't know). Put me straight back to day one again. I am just so so exhausted from feeling so sad and empty. The thought of facing work tomorrow just kills me. And to top it off I finally got the nerve up to book a counsellor appointment and she cancelled on me saying she can't take anyone else on because she had a personal issue 😞 I know it's not personal but at the moment I just feel so alone and unwanted.

It's odd hearing you all talk about him being a con man. I do see it that's for sure but I struggle and hate the idea that it might have been deliberate. A bit of background on him is that he is medically retired at 40 from the defence force and struggles with some physicality and depression. He has a history of shutting people out so I shouldn't have been too shocked that he did it to me. I just thought we were different and could support each other through difficulties but I guess I was wrong. I am in no way justifying his actions but thought it needed clarification. His words to me when I asked for some financial help were "you left so you deal with the consequences of that". I have never felt so much pain and confusion from another person before. I was going to say sorry for long winded response but I don't think I need to here. Thank you again for just being a pair of ears for me and some lovely voices of reason x