Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Recently Separated and Broken

Community Member

Hi all, just venting so don't feel you have to reply.

My wife of 23yrs asked to seperate in March and I moved out in April. We have had issues but never believed it was at that stage. I have been managing her chronic illness for several years and tried very hard to run the home, finances, etc. whilst still working full time.

We are amicable and talking often. I see our sons 21 & 16 any time I want to. We still have a lot of respect and care for each other but not sure if we will find a way back. I love my wife very deeply as I always have.

It has hit me extremely hard and in a very dark place at the moment. I am in a state of disbelief and consumed with severe grief and melancholy. I feel I have lost my identity as a husband, friend, lover, care giver, earner, confidante, etc. feels like I don't know who I am anymore.

I don't have anything that I look forward to anymore and nothing gives me any joy. It feels like the world has nothing to offer me and I have nothing to offer to the world. It's like I have been dropped back in front of the hospital where I was born 46 years ago to start life again.

My feelings of complete displacement makes me feel like I don't belong here anymore. The only thing keeping me going is that I do not want my boys to go through the pain of losing me.

I hate feeling like this. Why did this happen? What am I going to do now?

But survive I must. I must!!!

Thanks for listening.🙂

4 Replies 4

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Costa, thanks and sorry your comment has been missed, sometimes this can happen if the site is busy, my apologies.

My wife of 25 years decided to end our marriage because I wasn't getting any better with my depression and secondly, I was self medicating with alcohol, but we are still talking and seeing each other at our granddaughters birthdays/ Xmas etc.

I know how hard you have tried while working full time, looking after your wife and doing all you could to run your home and taking care of your 2 sons, who must also be feeling the shock.

Perhaps if I can briefly tell you what happened to me, and by no means do I suggest this to you, my wife divorced me against my will, the house was sold and I rented a house, it was difficult for awhile until I turned 360 degrees and decided to do what I never thought I would, I understand this maybe difficult for you to do, but my ex is still there, it's just that we can't live together again.

You and your 2 sons must be feeling awful, but no one can ever tell what will happen in 20 years time, sometimes I wish we could but then I wonder.

Best wishes. Geoff.

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Costa

and survive you will ...two years ago due to very bad circumstances my relationship of 24 years ended ( married 14 years ) . I survived ...and didn’t know I could and you will too. Of course it will hurt ..cos she was a big part in your life . You are aimcable and that’s a very good thing . You can try hot yoga ...which I did and it helped me tremendously . Be open to others and let them know how you are feeling .one step at a time Costa . Or use this forum ...we all are here for you always .,.no matter how crap you are feeling .

and yes u r right ..it’s like being reborn again ...finding yourself again . This doesn’t have to be a bad thing . In fact it was a very positive one for me . I have started to do a lot of things I never could do whilst in a marriage . So focus on yourself . Be ok with it ...as it is ok for things to end . And things will begin again .i hope this makes sense . It’s ok to be sad and then it’s also ok to be smiling at just the littlelest of things. Like that ray of sunshine ..beaming through the cloud in the blistering cold winter.

focus on the little things ...one step at a time and you will lift from the fog .

keep writing please and hope to hear from you again soon

Community Member

Appreciate your words Geoff. Hopefully things are now looking up for you.

I haven't turned to any alcohol or drugs until now. It's very easy as I have plenty of liquor at my place but I have self control which is good.

this separation has me shell shocked and very hard not to think of anything else. Not sure what will happen but do hold some hope that we can find our way back. There is still a lot of good between us.

the last several months have been the very hardest and lowest of my life. I am just trying to survive and get through each day for now. I am at least enjoying my work which is some relief until 5pm. It's after that when I go home to an empty house and the loneliness sets in, my thought go into overload and the walls seem to close in a little tighter.

i do hold hope that I improve in time but for now can not find a way out of this hole I am in. I know that my prospects are good and will move forward in time. Although I know in my heart I will never be able to move on from her. I don't think I will ever feel whole again as a person.

Thanks for listening. I don't really have many friends and the few I do have don't really understand my feelings and don't understand the way I love my wife. They just keep telling me it will get easier and I should go out and meet other women. I have absolutely no interest or eyes for anyone else at the moment. Don't know if I ever will. They just can't understand it when I say that.

Thanks again.

Community Member

Thank you for replying Isabel. I don't have many friends and good to get advice from someone that has been in my shoes. I am glad to hear that you are in a good place.

you mentioned about finding myself again. At this point I am struggling with my identity so it may take some time to even begin thinking of the future. There is still a lot of good between us so there still may be a chance for reconciling and finding our way back.

we had so many plans for the future and now they're gone. I have no desire to do any of those things now without her. How does a person turn this around? How does one start to to make a decision when at the crossroads? How can I when I am constantly longing/yearning for her to be a major part of my life? How will I ever be happy again? Maybe I am just perpetually condemned to walk the rest of my life alone. Very lost for now.

the only thing that helps me is writing. Haven't written for a very long time and have started again in recent months. Mainly poetry and short stories. It helps me cope on some of my bad days. Have shown a few people and they have absolutely loved my words and context. they believe I should try and get published. Not sure about that. They were probably just being polite.

i will take your advice and go one day at a time. Hopefully I will see that sunlight you were talking about. May do me some good.

thanks for listening and have a great week.

Warm regards, Con.