recent break up - not coping

[Sailorgirl]

Hi there, I am new, just joined up yesterday, I am not coping with a recent break-up. It is more than just heartache. 

I was in the relationship 5 years, he was "the one" and I accepted him with all his faults and wanted to make it work no matter what. I was always the one who put more effort into the relationship. 

Anyway, we broke up 2 weeks ago, and i feel like my anxiety and depresson has spiralled out of control. I have moved to my mums place, but my stuff is still at our unit (renting). I could stay there and he could leave, but I just have too many bad memories there.. can't stare at those walls on my own any longer. 

I went and saw my GP on the weekend, and she started me on antidepressants. I am on my 4th day of half dose. I haven't taken any days of work despite feeling quesy, nauseous, and sleepy everyday. I feel really out of it. 

Anyway, i am super struggling and very scared. I have my mum and a few friends chatting to me, but i feel very alone in this feeling. I miss him like crazy and I don't know what to do. I keep hoping for a reconciliation but deep down I know it's not going to happen. He just doesn't love me the way I loved him. It hurts so much. 

I don't know how to be alone, I have been thinking for two for the last 5 years. I don't want to move on, I don't want to meet people. I don't want to go out. At 33 I don't want the single life again. I don't want to go back to housemates and partying on Saturday night.. I know I don't have to, but I don't know how to be alone at this age. I have an admin job that will take me nowhere, but I am also a casual dance teacher (pays peanuts) and also am in the middle of finishing my cert 3 in fitness (super struggling with the pressure as I haven't been studying and getting no help). My motivation is down the toilet at the moment and I can't seem to do anything. 

I will see my doc again in a week so she can see how I'm going on the antideps, and I think i will go on the mental health care plan with her and start seeing a psychologist. I am sad that this is how my life had turned out and I don't know how to be happy.  I am scared I will be hurting for years and won't be able to move on from him. I am scared he will start seeing someone else straight away and be happy and married and I'll still be alone.. 

The sadness is just too much.. i want to be free 

[Sailorgirl]

I should add that I developed the anxiety probably about 2 years into the relationship - I think it was becoming obvious to me he didn't feel the same way and I was very unfulfilled. Years of being last priority and not being loved has led me to this deep depression. I lost myself... 

[eaura]

I'm not a professional and I'm sure there is someone else with more helpful words but from one to another, always do what feels right. You are free. People will tell you medication is the answer, they'll tell you to accept and move on and tell you that you deserve better from your past relationship. But that's not the simple answer for everyone. You don't have to do anything the 'right' way. Trust yourself. I wish everyone could speak to a psychologist really, gives you answers that you knew all along. 

[wildfire]

When I read your story, I felt so compelled to respond because although our circumstances weren't exactly the same I felt similar feelings when I went through a break up with someone I too thought was the one nearly 6 years ago now.

From the way you describe it was always you that put in the effort and although it hurts now I assure you that one day you will thank yourself for realizing that this relationship was toxic. That's the first step to healing I think. You've done the right thing in removing yourself from environments associated with him and your relationship like your unit. It will make it easier for you to cope and move on without having constant reminders of him.

You've done well in seeking out help from your GP and all the physical symptoms are all manifestations of the grief that you're currently going through. As you begin to heal emotionally, those will eventually disappear. There were times when I felt so alone regardless of all the support I received from my family and friends. I know you miss him but I think what helped me the most is getting used to being by myself again. I had been in a relationship for such a long time that I had forgotten the things that made me the happiest. Invest in doing things that you want to do and that you enjoy. Focus on yourself. Spoil yourself. Make your own happiest not someone else's your priority. As you start rediscovering 'yourself' again you'll gain strength and confidence and those things will help you heal.  In saying this, allow yourself adequate time to grieve, bawl your eyes out, be angry, be sad, mope around and when the grieving has passed, focus on yourself and your needs. 

Do not be afraid of being alone, it won't be forever as much as it may seem that way now. I hope I've helped in some way. I wish you all the happiness in the world. Stay strong.

[geoff]

dear Sailorgirl, thanks for joining the site.

I also welcome the newcomers who have given you some experienced advice, however it's never easy when a relationship does break up, and the same applies to a marriage.

I hope that I don't upset you when I make these comments because that's never what I would ever want to do.

It seems to me that you were doing the hard yards in this relationship, and by this I mean that you adored him, but I'm not too sure whether he was the same, and whether he was taking advantage of you and living in the flat, but ever so this doesn't make it any easier for you.

Can I ask you who signed the lease for this apartment, and if it was only you, and there doesn't seem to any chance of reconciliation then I would approach the real estate and explain your situation where they can find another tenant to take over the lease.

I know that this is going to be unpleasant, but if the memories are going to remind you of times, then this is the best option.

If you are having bad side-effects from your AD then your doctor will probably change it, and it can take a few different types before you find the right one.

This is always a hassle, but I tried half a dozen before my doctor found the right one, but because we have depression this is always a pain, we just want to take a pill for it to go straight away.

I hope that you can reply back to us. L Geoff. x

[Sailorgirl]

Thank you, your post made me feel better xo

[littlepenguin]

Hi there Sailor girl I know you posted this a long time ago but everything you said I am in that exact same place now . I feel so hopeless and trapped the only difference is that she is now seeing soneone else. We were together for 4 years she wanted to open up the relationship / have a polyamourous relationship and the person she wanted to open things up with she is now with , we tried it for a week it was all too hard for her and she called it quits . This was the person I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with . I am terrified I will never get over her . She is the best of everything I ever had . I'm 35 and I feel I'm too old t start again too old for share house I just want my life back . I feel out of control , I just wanted to know how things worked out for you .

[Helpless_one]

Hi little penguin, I felt composed to respond I know you were looking for a response from sailer girl because you felt you were in the same position right now,im reaching out as well as I am in the same position however the only difference is I have no support at all no family and limited friends and they all have partners. The relationship I had was toxic and I know that but I'm not coping with letting go at all I feel empty sad alone scared anxiety panic attacks can't seem to look forward to the future 😞 I can't believe it's possible to cry so much in one week it's a week tomorrow since my break up.

i have posted on here but I have had no response from anyone, if your interested you could read it. Maybe we could talk.

[Bluebell1]

Hi

I am in the same position going through a break up and it feels like your whole life changes within a day

for me it’s been 6 months since the break up and I still feel sad and don’t look forward to anything. I get anxiety thinking about being single I’m trying to find the positives in this to get through it day to day

[littlepenguin]

Hi there

thank you for your response I would love to chat via email if that would help . I really hope you are ok . It's just the worst and I feel like I'm just treading water each day . I hate the fact that I'm envious of my friends relationships and people at work I hate hearing about their happy relationships the day to day stuff that I miss so much . It feels like a missing limb