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Really Jealous about who my partner has been with in the past

Community Member
Hi everyone, I’m hear to try and get some advice on my jealousy. Lately I’ve been really jealous about who my partner has been with in the past. It’s all started when I was drunk a couple of months ago and made her tell me the the last person she has slept with and it turns out i know everyone she has slept with and been in a relationship with. I was friends with them all one being a really good mate that she was in a tight relationship for 3 years. But ever since she told me the other person she has slept with I can’t stop thinking that she is a premiscuous now. I know she is not but my stupid brain can’t stop thinking that and it’s really making me upset. I’ve talked to her about it but it still doesn’t seem to make it better. She’s told me that she’s only slept with 5 guys and been in a relationship with 2. She’s 21 years old and I know that is a normal amount for a girl that age but my brain automatically thinks differently. This girl is my first girlfriend And have been together for a year now and we have a kid together and we are engaged. I really love her and want to be with her for the rest of my life but I’m really scared if I can’t get over this jealously it will end our relationship. What do all of you think i should do ? Thanks for listening.
2 Replies 2

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Woodsy123,

I can completely relate to your post, I also have struggled with this kind of jealousy in my relationship but I can tell you, it is something you can overcome.

It is called Retroactive Jealousy and it is very common so don't worry, you are not alone.

For me, my previous relationship was very violent and this caused me to have severe trust issues (i already have a very skeptical personality, so that really didn't help at all)

My current partner is amazing, he never gave me a reason not to trust him and yet I was so jealous when it came to his previous partners, prior serious relationship or even female friends.

The first thing I had to acknowledge was that this was my issue, not his. He did not deserve to be subjected to my jealous behaviour because he had done nothing wrong, it was something I had to overcome within myself so that it wouldn't cause problems between us

The next step is stopping those intrusive, jealous thoughts. It seems simple but you might find it challenging at first. Luckily it is something that can be learned and mastered.

As soon as you find yourself thinking about your partners past, redirect your thoughts onto something else and don't give those thoughts any power- they are just thoughts after all and you can control them.

Something that really helped me was googling Retroactive Jealousy, there is a website with a short free video series that guides you on how to get through it by someone who has struggled with it too. Doing that is how I ultimately overcame the problem

Now I hardly ever have jealous thoughts but if one does arise, I can control it easily without causing a fight with my partner or acting like an irrational, crazy person which is what I would do before

I hope this was helpful and I wish you all the best in overcoming your jealousy

Take care


Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Woodsy123,

I think these are all normal emotions that have been triggered off. Love is powerful. In the sense that it feels great, but it also makes your stomach turn when you think of them being with someone else. Unfortunately, this is the reality of the situation but it doesn't mean anything! She loves you and hypothetically, you could have been with a bunch of people prior to her also and it still wouldn't change how you feel about her.

You need to try and not focus on things like this. As it will only create negative tension between you two. I think it would be ideal however, to have a calm, sit down conversation with her and just express how you feel, explain it exactly how you have in the above text and i'm sure you'll be able to communicate together what is upsetting you and put it to rest. You can't change someones past, but you can help shape their future, and that's where you are, not anybody else.

In any relationship, partners, family, business. The key to success is 'communicating'. If you guys can talk things out and genuinely express how you're feeling to each other, then you're doing better than over 50% of the the people out there and that's something to be proud of.

Congratulations on the engagement. This is definitely a step in the right direction, so remember that, because she chose to be with you! She's chosen to start a family with you. So embrace the simple things in life and just remember to communicate with her if you're ever feeling down or have any doubts. We are our own worst critics and some of us (I know i'm guilty) talk things over and over in our head a million times to the point that something simple and easily resolved, ends up becoming one big anxiety attack. These are just emotions and they are very normal.

Always feel free to communicate via these forums though. They are a very good way to out what's going on in our head and sometimes a 2nd opinion that is non bias can really help us see things clearly or at least from another perspective.

Keep up the good work! Merry Christmas & Happy New Year to you and your little family.