Problematic Ex.

[Jan1]

Hi Everyone,

You can call me Gen. I have been with my BF for 5 yrs now but before I decided to be in a relationship with him I was a little reluctant because of the kind of ex wife he has and Mother of his child. Before I met his ex, my BF described her as hysterical and generally not a very pleasant person. It wasn't enough info about her for me to fully understand what he was tellin me. But not long after, I witnessed her bad behavior. She screamed at my BF's face in public for about 15-20 minutes and for whatever her reason, that is unacceptable. I firmly asked her to 'pls stop' after several times of askin her nicely and she still wouldn't. She then turned to contact my BF's Mom about the situation and made a remark that I went crazy at her. My BF's ex and I were fine at the beginning, until this incident occurred. My BF and I had agreed that we avoid her and not have her anywhere near us as I did not want that kind of behavior around me ever again, and it did work quite well. But almost 2 years later, which was only a few weeks ago, she turns up at our doorstep unannounced asking to fill out  an important document . In that few minutes that she stood by the screen door waiting, she was ready to find somethin to pick on and create problems. As soon as she left, she contacted my BF via text messages telling him that I behaved in an ugly mannner by shutting the screen door on her, but which I asked in a normal way because of mosquitoes comin in. The wooden door was still left open for her. I was not rude at all but she made it sound like as if I was. She also added that I shouldn't behave that way and that  I should stay out of their young son's business. I don't even know why she said that. I have no idea what led her to say that. It seemed to me that she's delusional and she's really tryin to look for trouble to cause between us all. This is now the 2nd time she created a problem and I can't stand it. I don't know what's gonna come up next and it really bothers me. There are many more that she's done but there's not enough space to fit my stories.
What do I do? I don't really want to leave my relationship of 5 yrs but I also do not want to spend longer years and his ex wife causes problems/troubles unpredictably. 

-GEN-

[white knight]

Hi Gen, welcome

I too have endured the wrath of an unhappy ex (2 kids together). I read your post and every word I knew what was coming up the next line.

I will tell you plainly why this woman acts the way she does, some will be correct reasons others speculation.

• Jealousy that her ex husband has another partner which can be seen by her as her being the problem between them as to why they separated
• She has to endure sharing their child. Often the mother has the view its "her" child not "their" child. My ex told me once that "I'm the mother so I should make all the decisions with MY children".
• That you "are the other woman". Even though he has rights to choose a partner and she is in his history books she could view you as the "woman that took him away from me". That often happens when a person feels they have ownership of an ex partner.
• She could feel superior to you because she shares a child to him.

There is many other reasons but I=chances are I'm on the money. So what can you do about it? Plenty.

The frist and most important thing you can do is review your attitude towards this situation. You are not a partner to her, you are not the mother of this child, you do not need to communicate, answer the door, wave, say hello etc unless she is friendly and she isnt. 

Going no contact will cause issues also. If she rings to alter lick up times of the child and your partner isnt home then is could cause him a problem because you havent answered the phone... Take the view that she can text/call him on his mobile phone. Simply dont answer it. Also inform your partner of her ringing but as he knows you wont answer her call the topic of discussion can stop there, you both dont need to talk at length over her antics. This will work eventually because you both need to get on with a happy life. The issues arising between him and his ex for whatever reason is HIS TO SORT OUT.

When you interjected to tell her that she shouldnt yell at your partner- that was waving a red flag to a bull so to speak. You didnt expect ehr to listen to you did you? Well I'm sorry, dont get involved anymore. It isnt your place.

I've been in step parent situations and it isnt easy. Be kind to the child, have a special place in his heart. Be appreciative of your partner of his difficult situations with his ex and missing his child between visits. Have ZERO to do with this woman that is intent to not move on and be cordial.

There is nothing wrong with you.  🙂

TonyWK