Pregnant and betrayed

[RedKarma]

l have been married for over a decade, I have known my partner for 15 years. We have a 10 year old together. Last year we unexpectedly fell pregnant and we lost our baby early days, I was lucky enough to fall pregnant within two months after this loss. We are now expecting another baby in July.

My husband decided to go out to a friends birthday. I stayed home due to work and 13 weeks pregnant. I really didn’t feel included.

In the middle of early morning I woke up suddenly with a horrible feeling I couldn’t master but regardless, I ignored it and went back to sleep.

The next morning I went about my normal work routine then I returned home.

Turns out we are pretty in tune with our gut instincts.

As soon as I saw him, we locked eyes, and my heart broke, I knew that things would never be the same.

I was told that there was lots of alcohol and drugs consumed that night and a friend (we both mutually knew) relentlessly preyed on him and convinced him to come home with her. The deed was done, unsafely so and as soon as he came to his senses left.

One incident, one massive mistake.
He is showing complete remorse, got tested, removing all contact, making an effort, seeking help, ect...

But I feel so violated. I feel so tainted.

More so I feel as though in that moment nothing mattered...the life we had, our 3 babies (one in heaven) and I, were just expendable. He didn’t walk away, he allowed this to happen. To our family.

I have been through this sort of betrayal previously with my ex fiancé prior. I promised myself I would never put up with it again, I told my husband this before we got Married. And here we are...

Given the dynamics of marriage, one child and another baking away, the situation is different.

But I am so unhappy.

I feel so unworthy. So scared. So hopeless.
I have a history with depression so I immediately sought care, And we are seeking marriage counselling.

I am really starting to see that I may be ready to move on, this pain is too much to bare. I see him differently now. I don’t believe anything he promises me, because I am so gutted. And I feel like I’d rather be alone than have to go through this again. Then I think of the unique bond we share..

Im sorry about the background but I felt it was necessary to understand the context. My questions are, has anyone been in this situation before?Can you overcome this betrayal? Is it better to stay or go? And when do you know if you have made the right decision?

Thank you for reading

[Chumptastic]

Hi RedKarma,

yes I have been there although it didn’t happen during pregnancy. It ended in divorce. I adored him but once trust left it didn't come back for me. I was devastated and it nearly destroyed me.
I’m so very sorry this has happened to you. Please know you did nothing to cause this.
Surround yourself with support people that understand. 
And please book a session with the women’s legal centre to know your rights. Make sure you have all your financial documents in order for when/if you need them.
best of luck. You will survive this. The pain is finite although it hurts like a mofo. Xox

[smallwolf]

hi and welcome to the forums.

Your are worthy.

I am very sorry to hear what your partner(s) have done to you ... in breaking your trust, in their actions. It seems you have already made up your mind on what you are going to do? I also noticed some positive things in your post like seeking professional help and going to marriage counselling. And whether the moving on is together or separately only you will be able to work out the answer to that. My only comment was that he appears to have showed remorse, assuming this was a one-off event. That does not justify his actions mind you

Unfortunately there are many stories similar to yours in terms of betrayal. (search for "beyond blue husband cheated" and you might find out what others did and the responses they received. And sadly, you will find that the cliche "you're not alone" applies here.

whatever your decision, healing and moving on takes times. Perhaps rather thank asking what is the right decision .... there is no wrong decision, only your decision which you make using the information available at the time. And if you stay together it is a new relationship of sorts which in some ways puts some pressure on your husband and with total honesty and transparency.

[ecomama]

Hey RedKarma, hugs, yes I've been there more than once in marriages too.
(Hey Chumptastic! so good to see you, hey smallwolf xxxx)

Dearest wonderful lady,

I want to answer your questions with your own wise words...

"Turns out we are pretty in tune with our gut instincts."
Yes indeed I couldn't agree more.
Stay in tune with THESE more than anyone or anything around you.
You will NEED them if you enter into the mind effing RIC, the reconciliation industrial complex.

I disagree with this comment..."One incident, one massive mistake.".... because you wrote this.... "I was told that there was lots of alcohol and drugs consumed that night and a friend (we both mutually knew) relentlessly preyed on him and convinced him to come home with her. The deed was done, unsafely so"...
- maybe each alcoholic drink was a "mistake"
- definitely the drugs are an illegal "mistake"
- NOT moving away from your friend another
- sorry, I don't buy the relentless preying... he stayed for it, must've liked it very much and went the whole shebang. About 500 - 5000 "mistakes" there!

At each point he made choices, dare I say "relentlessly" and you know this because you said....
"He didn’t walk away, he allowed this to happen. To our family."

And to you.

"I promised myself I would never put up with it again, I told my husband this before we got Married. And here we are..." yes you promised YOURSELF, telling your H is one thing, him promising same and entirely other thing completely.
So you're putting up with it again but far worse because of this???..."marriage, one child and another baking away, the situation is different."

RK it's WORSE.

Hence "I am so unhappy.
I feel so unworthy. So scared. So hopeless.
I have a history with depression so I immediately sought care.."

If H wants to save what's left of the tattered "marriage" then HE books marriage counselling, drug and alcohol counselling whilst he's at it.

Nup I wouldn't trust him a dot either.

YOU need to look after yourself!
Definitely call Women's Legal Service and for extra psychological support, you can phone 1800RESPECT.

Nutshell EM response to your qns: I got over the betrayal by leaving each time, I KNEW for sure it was the ONLY decision immediately. Life only got better. Their future partners copped it worse, not my problem. Raising children "alone" is NOTHING compared to living in hell with that stuff IME. It's joyous!

Love EM