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Pregnancy and emotionally abusive ex partner
I’m currently 10 weeks pregnant with my first child. The father is very excited and wants me to continue with the pregnancy. I appreciate and respect how he feels, and I’m very open to listening to his feelings. I’ve been having a difficult time deciding whether or not I want to continue with the pregnancy.
I love this baby and I feel very connected to it already, but I suffer from depression and anxiety, and I’ve also had an extremely difficult year. I lost my job back in March, and my ex lost his a week ago. A few other major life changes apart from the pregnancy have happened also.
I raised the possibility of terminating the pregnancy but he wouldn’t have it. He basically told me that if I go through with it he’ll resent me, and that it’s not even an option for us. Today I was supposed to meet with a doctor and social worker at the abortion clinic to discuss our circumstance and he refused to pick me up. My car is currently getting serviced and we planned for us to go together and have him pick me up a week ago.
I don’t have much to do with my family and I’m struggling beyond belief. I already feel guilty about considering abortion, but I’m trying to do what’s best for the baby. He refuses to speak to me and makes me feel like dirt when I discuss the situation. I’m not for or against abortion, but I believe in our circumstance it should at least be discussed properly.
If anyone has any insight or advice that would be much appreciated, because I have no idea how to deal with him anymore. I’m organising to see a counsellor in the near future to discuss the issue and others I’ve been having, but for now I feel so lost and scared.
I'm so sad to hear that you are struggling beyond belief. It sounds like you are trying to make the right decision for your baby but the father is not currently meeting you half way to discuss.
I don't have any experience in this at all and I can only imagine how scared you must be feeling right now with no support. But I am pleased to hear that you are organising to see a counsellor because I think that is a really good step to just get some people around you who are looking out for your best interest.
It's also great to meet you here as well, and I am sure others will read and some may have some experiences they can share too.
It is a shame you weren't able to meet with the doctor and social worker at the abortion clinic. Is it possible to reschedule for a phone call with them, even just for you on your own?
There is another option; adoption.
Once you have had the baby you can consider all the options free from doubt.
Just a thought!
It has just occurred to me that my previous post might be a little ambiguous. The "options" I had in mind are as follows.
- You raise the child
- The father raises the child; there is no law that says the mother has to raise the child
- The grandparents raise the child
- The child is put up for adoption
Mt point is, there are options; abortion is not the only option on the table.
Sorry to hear of the difficult situation you find yourself in.
I think it's a really good move to speak to a social worker and councillor about your situation. It's a shame your partner isn't more supportive and it's obvious he has very strong views about the situation.
But, you also have your own views. I think you should trust yourself and make your own informed decision. You might end up resenting your partner if you're swayed in his direction. But then you could really love the baby.
It sounds like you both have a difference of opinion here. Does your partner earn enough to be able to support the child?
It's a difficult decision to make. I think you should both see the councillor together and put both views on the table and hopefully come up with a solution. It's a decision that will obv affect the rest of your lives.
Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post, I really appreciate it! I have arranged to speak to a social worker this coming Friday and I will probably attend alone. I think it would be nice to have an unbiased perspective from someone who specialises in dealing with this sensitive issue. I feel if the father is present he may add to the confusion and guilt I’m already feeling. Hopefully the social worker can give me some clarification and help me come to the right decision.
Hi Mr Paul,
Thanks for replying to my post also, I really appreciate it. I should have mentioned, the father has a drug problem and that’s a large reason why our relationship ended. My relationship with my parents is basically non-existent, as I suffered a considerable amount of abuse in my years living with them. I’m not sure if his parents would be willing to look after the baby, or raise the baby alongside me if I bring the pregnancy to term, but it is something worth looking into. I have also briefly thought about adoption but I’m not entirely sure it’s the decision I would be comfortable making. I’m hoping that a meeting with the social worker next week will clarify things further. Thank you for your insight, it has given me a lot to think about!
Thank you for replying to my post, much appreciated!
I am hoping that the counsellor gives me some further clarification and I’m looking forward to having a little vent and getting all of the anxiety and confusion out in the open further. The father actually lost his job a week ago, which has added to the stress and feelings of not being able to provide for this child. Had he still had his job we could have managed, but now it’s become very difficult. Furthermore, he said he doesn’t have much of an interest looking for another job. I’m starting to feel like he may be unsupportive either way. Thank you for your insight, you have definitely helped me out!
It's nice to hear back from you.
Yes, it does sound like having an unbiased perspective could be helpful here. I wish you the best in the coming week as you wait to speak to the social worker. I'll be here and will see your message if you do feel worse and want to have someone to talk to.
Have a lovely weekend.
Things are little clearer now. That being said, you still have a few options on the table; all of which present there own challenges.
Ultimately, you will have to find the option that you can live with. Hopefully, the social worker/counsellor can help you with that decision.
All the best!