Post-school loneliness

[Jasanic_Bible]

Hi all,

I graduated from year twelve back in November. It was probably the happiest time of my life thus far. I'd finished with some of the highest grades in my cohort, and virtually everyone respected me. But I've struggled my whole life with socialisation, in large part due to my ASD. I managed to get the number of friends I'd liked, but I wasn't particularly close to any of them.

An opportunity came up for a relationship the day after my formal, when one of my friends asked me if I liked her. But ever since I was 15, I've struggled to have any romantic feeling for girls. I don't know why this happened, and I've been seeing a psychologist about the matter. I decided I'd try the relationship. But because I struggled to feel that much for her, I wasn't very affectionate with her. The struggle to maintain the relationship exacerbated my anxiety to levels that were hard to bear, and made it harder to feel anything for her. I found out two days ago that she's dating someone else now. I feel like a mess frankly. Now she's giving me the cold shoulder, though I didn't do anything wrong to her. I'm going to try to maintain my friendship with her, but I can tell it will not be easy at all.

I haven't been able to find anything to do with most of my old friends from school. In most cases, we only communicate via Messenger when I initiate the conversation, which would seem to indicate to me that they meant more to me than I to them. One of my friends is in the same friendship group as my ex-date, which makes it difficult at the moment to do anything with him because she doesn't want to see me currently.

It's my third week into university, though starting there has only made me feel more isolated. Due to the structure of the classes, it is nigh impossible to make friends within them. No one from my old school is going to the same campus as me. I also work casually as a delivery driver at Domino's. Due to the fact that I'm out of store most of the time and the fast-paced nature of the job, I don't feel able to connect with anyone there.

School was my only real friendship base, and I have nothing else, besides my brother. But the fact that he's family compounds the problem, because he's not a friendship that I had to work to get.

I feel more lonely now than ever before, and I don't know how to get out of it. There's not much potential to maintain my old friendships, and, as far as I can see, not much to make new ones.

Any help would be appreciated.

[smallwolf]

Hi,

Congrats on getting into uni.

There are a few moments in life involving large changes, and perhaps going from high school to university is one of those. After high school I went to TAFE and then uni. For me, that also meant moving from a regional town/city to the "big" city and like you alone. Part of that was also because some of those in high school would have gone to the local uni, some went to other universities, some got jobs - in a sense everyone goes there own way.

Perhaps there are clubs or similar you might be able to join at uni? What sort of things do you like to do?

The other thing to perhaps recognise is there is likely to the be other students in a similar position to you and unable to look for help as you are doing here.

In breaks, do students congregate in groups and chat? If so, how would you feel about joining in?

It can be especially hard when you are starting uni at a new place. I hope you will come back and chat some more. You will make friends here - abeit in virtual space, but we do support each other.

Tim

[Jasanic_Bible]

Hi Tim, thanks for your response.

There are a few clubs at uni that I may be interested in. The issue is that my campus is located an hour away from where I live, so it perhaps won't be easy to attend, but I could try in any case. Another concern is that I may not have the time with my other commitments, though certainly I can try.

Students don't tend to congregate outside of classes. They tend to be either alone or with one or two friends. I wouldn't feel comfortable joining in with strangers.

If it's any help, I live in Northern Brisbane.

I enjoy the outdoors and am interested in environmental conservation. As for hobbies, I enjoy board games and gel-blasting.

Thank you again.

[smallwolf]

Sounds like things have changed since I was last at uni. With a few clubs, your hobbies, and environmental conservation there is a bit to pick from? I would not know what time classes are these days but I cam remember afternoon classes about 2pm and evening classes from 6-9pm. I can also remember doing the odd all nighter at uni to finish an assignment. It may require some "planning" though you might be able to fit it in. Without knowing what your other commitments are, doing something different can help find that balance between work/study and rest/play.

I must be getting old as I did not know what gel blasting was so I googled it. I would have ask whether getting hit by one of the pellets (?) hurt much?

Just on the boardgames.... if you did a google search for

where to play board games in brisbane

there bars and cafes and libraries mentioned - even one north of brisbane.

Peace to you,

Tim

[Jasanic_Bible]

Unfortunately my options have been limited somewhat now by the coronavirus outbreak. My uni classes are moving online and all clubs are cancelled for the moment. I guess I'll just have to wait until this passes over.

Thank you for your suggestion regarding boardgames. I'll look into some when I'm free.

Gel balls don't hurt much, unless you're being fired at at point blank range. So long as you wear safety goggles you can't really be harmed. I don't think there's much potential to make friends out of gel-blasting. There's not really a lot of room for social interaction in the games.

My 18th birthday is in a few days. I'm concerned that the day will make me feel more lonely than happy. I had wanted to spend it with friends, but that doesn't seem to be an option right now. I don't have anything planned for the day. Would you have any suggestions?