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Post Breakup depression

Geekaboo
Community Member

Hi everyone.

I'm new to the forums and I hope I'm posting this in the right place.

I was diagnosed with depression at age 18, I'm now 27. I have only had 2 major relationships in my life, the first was very traumatic, abusive and unhealthy and took a long time to heal from. The second formed with a person who I knew in school who was very friendly and kind to me when he learned what I was going through.

This second relationship was extremely complicated. In the beginning it was very casual, which I was fine with at the time as I wasn't looking for anything serious after the previous one. However over time I fell for him and then it got really messy. I moved to his city to pursue my career. He let me stay with him while I got on my feet. We slept in the same bed the entire time - which ended up being 2 years. In that time I played the part of the dutiful girlfriend. Eventually the relationship began to crumble as I was frustrated with his refusal to acknowledge our relationship - which was fantastic most of the time when he was not flirting with others - and he of course had his own grievances, most notably it would have been difficult to put up with my depression when he did not want to take responsibility for me as a girlfriend. I moved out into my own house and we continued sleeping together and seeing each other/talking regularly. After three and half years - despite the complications of the relationship, he was my best friend and I loved him very much. About six months after I moved out - we were still sleeping together - he began hanging out with a new group of friends, and a girls name began popping up in conversation more regularly. He dumped me on Easter Sunday, the day after they first got together, for her, so about six months ago now.

 My question is how have others dealt with depression after a break up? I am unsure how much of what I am going through is my existing depression and how much of it is the break up as it has been six months now. Also, how do you detach as I miss him terribly - he was my closest friend and confidant and although he would be up and down with me - sometimes I was the partner and sometimes I wasn't - we shared a lot together.

A large part of me would want him in my life again, but I know that is not reasonable or healthy for me right now and I could not stomach being supportive of this new relationship as I am very hurt and betrayed.

6 Replies 6

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Geekaboo, welcome to Beyond Blue forums. Yes, you posted in the right place.

One week prior to my first marriage breakup put me on a path of self destruction fully planned. Never again!!.  So I know what you are feeling.

You dont mention children so I safely assume you have none. What a relief because as a parent you'd be grieving for loss there also.

Time? depends on you and your makeup how long this will take. He was your life, a big chunk of it. But thats what life will do to you at times- pull the rug out from under you and you fall hard.

If you think you have depression then a trip to your GP is in order. Cant hurt eh? You now must embark on seeking a new circle of friends. If you do, it wont take lone for your mind to be diverted from him to others. We have to train and feed out brain to force this diversion...help it along.

Although he was your best friend and lover for so long, you might not think this but you are compatible with so many others in the world....and some wont let you down.

take care. Believe in yourself.

Hi White Knight - thank you for your reply.

No, no children involved thankfully or money or assets. I'm seeing my psychologist about once a month and am taking my antidepressants religiously but it seems that my overthinking brain doesn't want to stop obsessing about it all.

 Next appointment with my doctor is on thursday so hopefully talking about it all will help but I still feel like such a freak for not being able to let it go.

 Have joined a social group to try and make some new friends which I am quite nervous about, the first meet up I'm going to is on saturday, I'm trying not to let my brain make me nervous so I don't end up bailing out.

Hi again Geekaboo,

Yes, analysing, churning it over before you sleep,  again when you wake up etc etc. Am just like that when I have any issues with people. Unless I on here. This site is different.

I can recall looking into a mirror end of 1996 and telling myself "you are a good man Tony, believe it!!). And now I do, regardless of the toxic people I've slowly erraticated from my life. So you are not a freak.

Seeking another social group is the go. Good luck- dont bail out or I'll reach into the computer screen and wave my finger at you. lol    🙂

Hi guys again, just wanted to up date. Still here. Still battling on.

Since my last post my ex made mention of missing me to one of our mutual friends. I jumped the gun and broke the no contact rule and messaged him. He'd had a fight with the new gf and I stupidly wanted to see if he was okay, then freaked out and was like "on second thought, not the best idea for me."

So now I've spent all day mentally peddling backwards and forwards - yes I love him, no I don't want to be just friends with him so its best to stay away out of respect for his new relationship, yes I miss him, yes i want to talk to him, but is that a good idea? No.

So I had this argument mostly with myself through text messages towards him and now he says he will call me tomorrow but in the mean time he hopes I know that he "Cares and that I can be happy"

 I feel like a fifteen year old instead of a twenty seven year old. I want to let go but I'm terrified of the grief. I'm taking my meds religiously and seeing my councilor every opportunity but life just seems so empty without him. I cried for four hours today after I messaged him because I was so frustrated by this whole situation. He clearly wants to be friends with me, but nothing more, but my confused broken heart doesnt know what to do. It's been six months and I love every part of my life except that I miss my best friend and lover every day.

 Love sucks

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

dear Geekaboo, I'm sorry but can I interrupt the conversation between you and Tony as I have read the replies to and from, however it seems as though that even 'six months after I moved out - we were still sleeping together', but you were 'frustrated with his refusal to acknowledge our relationship', so to me he's still playing the field, and I hope that what I have said hasn't upset you.

It appears that he wants a girl in every port of call, he doesn't want to be tied down to any relationship, so I wonder whether this maybe true.

You can berate me if you want to, I have hard skin. L Geoff. x

Geekaboo
Community Member

Hi Geoff

thanks for your reply.

He and I spoke yesterday and I explained that I cannot be friends with him because of my feelings for him. He is still with the girl he left me for but when I asked if he loves her he said "Dunno. I hope so."

was quite emotional and horrible to speak to him as he is trying to be friendly and caring, but I still wrestle with the grief and loss and pain, but yet love, that I still feel for him.

It's time to move on I guess. Just need to get a handle on how to do that.