Please Help

[Jason_B]

I would like to say thank you for your help and comments posted back in 2016. Over time it has been up and down. We both agreed to get help through Relationships Australia. However things have gotten worse.


I am crying for help..as I do not know what to do. I want to fight to keep my marriage and family together. Like I stated in 2016, I am not writing this to make me sound like an angel.

My wife is angry, hurting and can’t bare to look at me or at times be around her. We have been married for just over 16 years and have 2 beautiful children. I met, fell in love and knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life and want to grow old together.

I will say up front that I lied to my wife on our wedding day and I acknowledge what I have done was wrong, stupid and I never gave her the choice of knowing and was arrogant into thinking of hiding it. I am gutted and wish I could have changed it but I can’t.

My wife knew I was previously married and divorced. I hid information about a debt and bank account and did not disclose the information until after the birth of our first child. I am not excused but I was embarrassed about failure of a marriage and I took the debt to get rid of my ex out of my life. Through my stupidity of not telling her about the debt has caused the rocky path we have taken ( a form of affair) a lie, deception and lost trust between us.

I have also failed my wife over the past 15 years by not taking her out on date nights, going to some work functions by my self, not including her at times. My ‘Actions’ of what she expects from me I have let her down. She is hurting or I have hurt her deeply, to the stage when we argue, I am constantly reminded that I have never put her first in our marriage.

Additionally we have not been able to buy our house or I have not taken my family on holidays. These are key needs of my wife. Again my ‘Non Actions’ has failed my marriage.

I know I am a failure and failed her. By me being around her makes her ill . Seeing me reminds her how I have failed as a friend, husband and I lied on our wedding day by not disclosing the debt.

I know I have not been her ideal husband who has made mistakes in the past and regret. It’s hard when you are judged on every ‘action’ or failure to act. I am loyal and faithful to my wife and children. I do not want to lose them. But I do not know what to do to save my marriage

[Nothappyuni]

My marriage was built on lies and deceit. It lasted 25 years, but it was so destructive it left a permanent mark on the kids and both adults. I was always open and honest, she lied from the very beginning. Just like you she was guilty about lying, it ate her up inside and made her aggressive. She convinced herself the marriage would never last, and set about destroying it.

Go see Relationships Australia together. Seek help. Be honest and open; but, be aware of the damage to the kids and both adults if things are not resolved. It becomes TOXIC beyond belief. It is a good start you are posting here, it is more than my partner ever did. Trust is crucial to a successful relationship. Good luck.

[geoff]

Morning Jason, and writing this thread must have been rather difficult, that's alright, there has to be a starting point.

In your comment, there are a few different variables that need exploring and this maybe done by other people, however, it's not easy to tell the whole truth to your partner/spouse for fear of them becoming annoyed or rejecting you, but this depends on the amount of the debt you owed and whether or not this has prevented you from taking out a loan, so as you can see there are many issues that could affect your relationship.

Another problem could also be the 'trust' between eachother, and please don't think that by any way I'm going against you, but viewing the negative aspects as you seem to be and have been carrying this guilt for a very long time.

I hope this will enable your thread to help you feel a bit more comfortable.

Look forward to hearing back from you.

Geoff.

[Betternow]

Hi Jason

I agree with Geoff that in order to provide better support and advice, it would help us if you could provide some specifics around your debt and deceit. You have been in a relative long marriage and the complexity of your family life and history is difficult to unpack in a few short paragraphs.

How much money is involved here ? Did you take out the loan before you met your current wife? I'm assuming you have paid off the loan now, or am I mistaken? If you are debt free now and assuming you are both working, do you have a financial goal that you are working towards?

You mentioned that you both agreed to undergo counselling with RA in 2016. Did that happen? If so, was there any progress?

As for your other "sins", like attending work functions without her, not taking her out on dates nights etc, I think you'll find most men reading your post will probably share some off your guilt. None of us are perfect. The trust issue, is the toughest of nuts to crack. Tough but not impossible. If your wife has known about the debt for the best part of sixteen years, is it still the major hurt hurdle in your marriage or are there other factors in play that are larger?

It would be great if you expand somewhat and keep the lines of communication open (if you wish to of course).

[Jason_B]

Hi Betternows.. with regards to the debt. This was linked to my ex. I basically took all the debt to get her out of my life because of what she did to me. Entering my new relationship and marriage, I stupidly thought I could hide it and this also had another bank account that I was paying the debt of. I know I was stupid and was deceitful in not disclosing the debt. My wife has lost trust in me as I lied to her at the alter and it all came to head after the birth of our first child. The debt has been paid of but the money I should have used to buy our house with.. again my action was stupid in bringing the debt into our relationship.

My wife has lost trust in me. From the debt, lying about bank account and not being up front., Most recent event was an old funeral fund I joined ages ago that I had before we were married. This again shows her I with held information.

She tells me that I am not over my ex. I should not have gotten married. When we met I knew in my heart I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her..I was clear about everything in my life but was embarrassed and ashamed of a failed marriage and I stupidly took the debt (safe guard my super as family law was changing 1999).

We went to RA in feb 2019 for about 5 sessions before our mediator cancelled a session. That’s were I think the wheels fell of again.

My wife has said she is not happy with me being around. She is happy and has had happy moments when I am not here. She has said I have to do the right thing..

i know my actions in our marriage have not helped the situation but me being her makes it worse. I help out around the house but am told I am not needed. We have had a few date nights out. But this does not make up for my failure in being a husband, friend, some one who has got her back. God I am trying but am frequently reminded how I have failed.

I know I am a good man.. husband and father. I have been standing my ground in order to keep our marriage afloat. But she asks how much longer must she wait..

in trying to help her not to hang onto the past and help us move on to the future( she says there might not be any). It’s not about the debt but the lies and deceit. I have never been unfaithful to her in any way but she says my actions lead to think I have as she has rarely attended work functions.

I hope this makes sense Betternow and Geoff

thank you all for listening but it’s getting hard to deal with. I am not giving up

[Jason_B]

Geoff, thank you for you kind feedback. When this all came to blows.. I blamed myself for my failed actions as a husband and father. I doubted myself and I went out to find out why I am this way. With out going to far away from the problem. My father was had lied and hidden skeletons that we didn’t know about till after his death.

Being a veteran I was lost and sought counseling before RA. Because of the hurt and guilt from what happened in my first marriage and I built up a brick wall eternally ( from being betrayed by my ex and being embarrassed from a failed marriage) I stupidly took the debt to get rid of the problem. I blamed myself for being the failure. I did not realise this till my VVCS counselling said you need to tear down the hurt wall in order to make my marriage work. This is were I hid the debt behind my wall ( if this makes sense).

I know, acknowledge and realise that my Actions has railroaded my marriage and my wife says she can’t trust or believe me anymore.

I do feel guilty in how I have treated her and not disclosing the debt until after the birth of our first child. I realise hiding it from her and knowing she could have had a choice to walk away in the early stage of our relationship. This was not my intention. My blind foolishness was to just pay debt off which became harder. Stupid and irresponsible. I could not agree more.

I want to keep my marriage going as I truely love and care for her. I wish I could change the past but it’s done and I can’t. I want us to move forward together as her friend, husband and father. But how can I build or get the trust back. I know it may take time or never.. I do not want to go through a failed marriage like the first time. I will not be able to handle that. I love my family too much.

I hope this makes sense Geoff. And thank you for your reply so quickly

[smallwolf]

Hi Jason_B,

We all do things that in hindsight we might regret afterwards. I am also sure that you had you had your reasons for not telling your wife etc. In your first post yesterday you wrote

and help us move on to the future( she says there might not be any).

while would seem to indicate there is some hope even if it is slight. The other thing that might be worthy of consideration is how long this occurred for and the possibility or probability it will take your wife some time to move on from what happened.

• Has your wife forgiven you? This, in itself may take time and repeated attempts.
• What actions are you doing to demonstrate you want the marriage to work? for example, setting up and going on date nights; being open and honest with each other
• Did you discuss with your wife the cause of your actions?
• Ask what is needed to restore the relationship?

If necessary there would be no harm in talking with a professional about the situation and could show a commitment to wanting the heal the marriage. We don't know what will happen in the future, and all we can do is the best we can in the moment, and hope it is enough.

Peace to you,

Tim