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Past relationship patterns?

Cottonsocks
Community Member

I have had a failed past relationship of 17years whom I had 2 children with.It was and is still a very bitter break up. Both children have been turned against me by their father so that is hurtful. My relationship now is with a man who tries hard but doesn't know how to give emotional support or pick up emotional cues. I have to spell everything out and am beginning to resent that I just can't be me. He is very different to me and although when we are good we are great but when we fight I feel resentment build and I have had enough of compromise. I know relationships are hard work and I do compromise yet I am so aware of past patterns occuring that I get angry and resent my partner and look at all the negatives. My past partnership was full of resentment . I was always under pressure to have everything just right in every aspect of my life. I did everything around the house, raised the kids,worked and studied. I was never valued or appreciated and never an equal or a partner.

How do I stop these feelings of pressure and resentment creeping in when I don't feel my present partner is consciously trying to put pressure on me. When we fight I just get so scared of another failed relationship that I push back due to fear,anxiety and resentment and I don't know how to change the way I react. Sometimes I feel life would be easier on my own.

1 Reply 1

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

 

Re: "Sometimes I feel life would be easier on my own." Maybe you'd be better with a more ideal compatible partner? Following a break up we are often desperate to find love again and unfortunately we settle for a compromise. Add to this some low self esteem and even burnout which leads to over reaction and you are where you are. And the elephant in the room is that you have been demonised against your kids- a despicable act.

 

Rest assured a few things might happen with your kids in the future- they might end up being treat the same as you were by their father or their curiosity will become a yearning to get close to you. So while this era is very painful remember that and have faith. Time does change many things. When they visit, keep your values and praise their father to them, picking out the good things and not mention the bad. It will pay off. But I had that pain for many years.

 

So, your past relationship- try not to gauge your relationships on that 17 years of high expectations. They are different people but you can introduce boundaries that protect you from being treated the same. As long as such boundaries are communicated in a calm manner and not seen as a lecture, men should accept that your have damaged feelings over the past and adapt accordingly if possible. With your flexibility there's every reason you can lead a happy life with love and kindness and equality with the right man.

 

This current man, you might need to seek counselling to ascertain if there is a future for you both.

 

TonyWK