Past friend who hurt me trying to make contact after 3 years.

July · ‎09-06-2017

I had a work colleague/ friend whom I met at work , we were very close and worked together a lot , in fact everyone said we were joined at the hip, we also had similar histories . We were friends for about 5 years prior to this work incident. There was another person at work who was very lazy and not liked, my friend in fact stated how she couldn't be trusted . I used to get a lot of weekend shifts with this woman, I talked to her as a normal work colleague and nothing else . Anyway I had a lot of personal family issues going on at this time and my friend knew , but I didn't tell anyone the details , not even her . I was having anxiety and depressive episodes and to top it off this "woman" at work went to my friend and said a lot of untruths "apparently what I had said ". I was blindsided by my "friend" as she went ballistic at me in front of 5 other workmates , I was humiliated and devastated that someone I trusted and was a friend, believed this woman over me. She knew I was under stress from the issues but allowed her anger to overrule any common sense . I was so hurt , eventually I broke down at work told my supervisor and HR became involved , this woman was given a written warning for the distress she caused me , I had to take 4 months off work because I couldn't face seeing my so called "friend"and was scared she would verbally abuse me again , I was a nervous wreck. I eventually moved on to another job within the same facility to get away .

Anyway yesterday I ran into my "friend" at work , after not speaking to her for 3 years . We said hello , how are you, then I thought I am going to be the better person , just act normally , we spoke about general things for 20 minutes then she said it would be nice to get together for a coffee and chat ? I was anxious but agreed, we again exchanged numbers , when I got home from work she text me saying ,"It was so nice to see you today, I have a lot of apologising to do ... I am in two minds , she really hurt me by believing someone whom she "dislikes" over our friendship which caused me great distress and my eventually leaving. I have to admit I have avoided her and I assume she was told by HR to not approach me after the whole incident. Part of me wants to resolve it for my own peace of mind but I am unsure how to handle it .

Thanks .

July

CMF · ‎09-06-2017

HI July,

Sorry to hear of what you had to go through. It is awful when someone we trust turns on us like that. It would have been better if she approached you privately and told you what had transpired so i totally understand your hurt and wanting to move on/away.

You could meet for coffee, hear her out and then decide if you want to resume the friendship. You don't have to ,but hearing what she has to say could give you closure, clear the air and let you express your feelings about it all and how badly it affected you. It is possible your 'friend' thought you confided someone else and was jealous, having said that 3 years is a long time to wait to apologise.

I think it would be good to hear what your 'friend' has to say, then you can decide what you want to do from there.

Wishing you all the best

cmf

July · ‎10-06-2017

Hi cmf,

Yes, I agree ,maybe to just "hear her out", I did feel better after talking to her because I felt justified that she acknowledged her bad behaviour, and she wanted to talk about it . But in my heart I still feel ,how could you treat me like that if you are a friend, knowing that I was going through something very upsetting at home , it was like "kicking me " when I was already down . I hate confrontation and try to resolve issues but I was so upset and distraught at the whole incident I just wanted to avoid her at all costs, her betrayal was so unforgivable .

If she had of approached me alone and asked what was said/going on the issue would have been resolved , I think this other person had retaliated against me after I had spoken to her privately one on one about her work performance and attitude at work, then all of a sudden this happened . Quite the coincidence, HR thought so to , my friend was going to get into trouble as well ,but I protected her because I thought she would apologise straight away so I told HR I'm sure we will settle it , but then I became so down about her betrayal and what I was going through at home, I just retreated and became more depressed and anxious about work.

I to wonder "why now" has she approached me with this white flag ? after so long, I will be cautious to meet her but maybe it will help me.

Thankyou.

July

geoff · ‎10-06-2017

hello July, thanks for posting your comment, and understand what you may want to do, however from my experience these people just add more ammunition when they want to bring you down, because you are never sure what she maybe doing behind your back, you hope that she will support you, but when you were struggling so much, then she jumped on you and critised the hell out of you.
I could agree with CMF to meet with her 'then decide if you want to resume the friendship', but I wouldn't supply her with any personal information, remember she has mistrusted your friendship, and for her to build this up once again, will take a long time, but for me these people I would never trust anymore, sorry CMF hope I haven't upset you.
Whether she feels guilty or not isn't so much the issue here, it's trust and believing that she wouldn't do it ever again.
Just imagine for the sake of it, that the two of you started going out together and then had a disagreement, then what is she going to do, air everything you told her, just to bring you down again, I know that this probably would never happen, but it's just a thought.
I also wonder whether she is going to tell you the truth or lie to gain extra mileage.
Treat her with care. Geoff.

CMF · ‎10-06-2017

Hi July and Geoff,

After reading Geoff's post and thinking about it more I do agree 100 % with Geoff is saying. If you do meet be careful how much info you disclose. In fact i have been in a similar work situation where i eas betrayed and would be very wary of trusting again. I do wish i hsd confronted my 'friend' though and asked why and told her what i thought for my own peace of mind.

Cmf

geoff · ‎10-06-2017

hi CMF, I have just ticked your post in support. Geoff.

July · ‎11-06-2017

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for replying, yes I agree with your comments, thats why I find Beyond Blue such a great outlet, to have others not directly involved give unbiased views and comments. I will meet her if she contacts me, but I will have my guard up and also tell her how it made me feel and the impact it had on me at the time, but also making sure she is aware I have moved on.

I will not associate with her outside of work and as I work in a different section I would not see her , as this is the first time I have run into her and I have no desire to either. I am wondering why now ? but I guess that's natural , I take a lot of time to build up trust with someone and she tore it all down in a few minutes, that just hurt me so deeply .

Yes I do wonder "what story " she will tell me to justify her behaviour, but I am no fool , I am a compassionate person but burn me once and you will never be close to me again , I am giving her this one time to talk and go from there .When I ran into her that day I would not have asked to meet up and chat ,for me it was a random chance encounter and that was it , it was her who made the suggestion to meet up and talk .

Anyway thanks again.

July