Partner with porn addiction - I'm exhuasted

[GooGooDolls]

Hi Guys

I'm not expecting any "fix it" answers, I've tried so much I'm exhausted trying anymore. In fact all my ideas start off positive and I think they will work but realising that my solutions however good they are... nothing changes. I have been dealing with a partner who has an addictive personality for 25years. The first 10years we had no problems even though our first child has a disability. But now that we are older our resilence is fading. My husband works night shift which doesnt help and his last addiction for the past 8 years is porn... I find it so gross that we no longer have sex... to much of a betrayal, particularly when he has been on dating websites trying to hook up with other women.

It would make sense to leave particularly as our youngest child is 18, but I'm exhausted and I don't really want to be lonely.

I just needed a space to vent this life I lead. Thanks for listening 🙂

[Betternow]

Hello GooGooDoll

i can understand you feelings of fatigue. A chronic issue in a long term marriage can suck the life out of you. You sound like a resilient person who has put in the hard yards over the years, especially having a child with a disability.

Can I ask you a couple of questions?

You write that your husband has an “addictive personality”, what else was or is he addicted to?
I assume you have confronted him with the dating website and porn issue. What was his reaction? Have you asked him how he sees his life in the next ten years? Stay married? Continue with porn? What’s his life plan? Does it include you? Can you tolerate his behaviour indefinitely?

Speaking as a man, if I was to follow your husbands behaviour I wouldn’t expect my wife to hang around longer than 24 hours, unless I took action to change. If she did stay in the marriage while I continued my online behaviour, I would find it hard to have respect for her.

Of course, unless you are in a marriage it is difficult to understand all the allowances, history and love but looking at your marriage from the outside, unless you are prepared to tolerate the situation, you must take some action. Good luck.

[smallwolf]

Hi GooGooDolls,

My heart goes out to you.

How do feel after venting?

Unfortunately, your story is not that uncommon. If you did a google search for "beyond blue porn addiction" you will find a number of stories similar to yours. If porn addiction is seen as a coping mechanism, then it means that something is likely missing in his life. I could theorize he feels unable to talk about whatever it is with you. Of course, none of this helps the way you would feel about the situation as you already mentioned feeling betrayed.

Have you been able to speak with him about his addiction? Has he considers getting help?

And now, you feel you are in this position of either (a) staying in the marriage with a husband with porn addiction or (b) worry about being lonely if you left your marriage.

If your husband did change his ways, would you be able to forgive him (and rebuild the relationship)?

From your post these both sound like big decisions.And while things have not been ideal in your marriage, please take heart in the fact that you have been a good mother and wife. There is really no wrong choice here for you, except that you deserve some happiness and someone who wants you just as you are.

In this instance, I apologise if I asked too many questions. I can listen to you if you want to talk more about any of whatever options you might think about.

Tim

[GooGooDolls]

Many questions you bring up are relevant. Well... over the years when I push him to see a counsellor, he has with positive results. He has established alot of childhood trauma under scoring his behavoural addiction. Also I think nightshift causes isolation, lonliness and depression... which triggers the behaviour. We have spoken of this condition in the past but its always me who has to bring up the subject. So I tried something different... I worked hard and lost 20kg of weight to show him you can give up an addiction if you really want to. Mine being Almonds and walnuts plus dark chocolate etc 🙂 That didnt work. So then I did a cert 4 in AOD to try and get a greater understanding of addiction. All that it told me is... they are the ones to ultimately decide. So no matter how much support I gave only small changes occured. So then I decided to no longer have sex with him... I was over it. He pulled his head in alittle but its starting to reoccur. So the question on everyones lips... why havent already walked out. 1/ To protect my childrens reputation.... the last thing you want is having the world know your father is a sexual preditor 2/ I actually thought I could support him through it. So now I am venting and thinking of what to do next.

[smallwolf]

Hi GooGooDolls,

I want to be careful with what I say here so that it does not seem as though I am pushing you in a particular direction.

Suppose that you decided to separate - the only people that really need to know the reason why you took a particular action is family, and nobody else. Or are you also concerned about others in your family knowing?

Possibly the real question now is ... Is your husband aware of the effect his addiction is having on you? That is, the point of considering leaving him.

You also said he only made small changes ... real change that is permanent (?) takes time. So perhaps his addiction has been there for 8 years that you know of. And if he does relapse then he would need to feel comfortable talking to someone for support. Yet the ability to talk to someone also means that person has to be able to feel comfortable talking to another (vs embarrassed?).

Probably have not helped you with any decision, just more to think about

Tim