Partner with mental issues & drug abuse broke up heart

[MelissaTurtle]

My partner recently broke up with me after saying he had doubts about a future with me & that he loved me but was not in love with me.

We had been dating on & off for 3.5 years. The first time we spoke we had this unbelievable connection that I had never felt before, at that time it felt like fate. We dated causally for 19 months, not my doing, I was in love with him. He didn't know if he was in love with me, so I left.

5 months later he realised that he did love me & asked for me back. I was over the moon, I loved him. Since getting back together we moved in together, I grew so much, I became a better person, I fell more in love. The relationship blossomed to an amazingly beautiful place were we spoke about future together even having children, it just felt that we were finally there, that this would work & we would be getting married and starting a family, we were happy.

After 15 months of being together again & what I thought we were in love & would work through anything together, he broke up with me. My partner has issues. He has never dealt with the death of his mother 6 years ago which felt like he had developed commitment issues & that he didn't want to get close to someone because he didn't want to deal with a pain like that again. His drug habits became worse over the last 6 months, he was smoking weed every night, several times a night, he would break promises to me every night when I would ask him "please just not tonight".

He would drink every night too, on average 5 beers a night & 1-2 glasses of wine. He was told he has liver problems & had to stop drinking for a month to see if there was any improvements. So more weed was needed to compensate for the alcohol. He also did cocaine, to a point where his nose ran like a tap the next day. He would do it at home, when it was just the two of us hanging out or when he was home alone. He developed some sort of stomach ulcer where he would wake up needing to be sick.

He has a very stressful job & has a lot of pressure on himself. When he broke up with me he had a panic attack the next day, he may be suffering from depression & anxiety too. He stopped wanting to be intimate with me for the last couple of months. Which made him believe he isn't in love with me.

It's so hard to believe that he doesn't love me like he says. It just seems like these emotions were brought on by all his issues & he became depressed & it was easier to get rid of me than to give up drugs & now has thrown everything away.

[Croix]

Dear MelissaTurtle~

Welcome to the Forum, and I am truly sorry at the way events have turned out for you. I can't say I've anything more to offer than an outsider's view of matters.

It looks to me like you are dealing with two different people, your ex who is a person who may have depression and anxiety and has difficulties over grief and loss. For any such person I'd normally suggest they they be encouraged to seek competent medical help, maybe start with a GP, then move on to therapy and even possibly medication. Plus counseling over grief and loss.

As you have broken up that might have been be very difficult for you to be an influence.

Unfortunately there is the other ex, the one who uses weed several times a day, drinks to excess and has gone on to harder drugs, in the process losing interest in intimacy and developing the habit of not telling the truth (probably as much to himself as others).

Once these addictive substances are established it takes very specialist help to stop, and there is no guarantee of success. Sadly it is sometimes a downward spiral ending with no job and no health.

Do you know of anyone, his father perhaps or someone at his work, who might encourage him to seek help?

Unfortunately it is up to him to deal with this, no one else can do it for him.

Now, having talked about your ex for so long it is time to talk abut you. A very bewildering, emotional and stressful time, full of self-doubt, loss, grief and maybe even a little anger.

How are you coping?

Do you have people to give you support, someone you can talk frankly with who will care and understand? It does make a real difference as I've found.

I hope to talk with you some more

Croix