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Partner using pornography
Currently hes in forced 2wk air travel quarantine through work again 5th time now, International FIFO worker and the associated Alpha male in his work place make up. I swear he must think I'm stupid - (deaf blind and stupid) Hes a repeat offender, and now the side effects of premium webcam access the repeated purchasing of download credit, the weird bitcoin, erectile dysfunction, married woman looking to flirt, hook up now emails in the junk box. Multiple devises for here and there, phones, computers, ipads, email addresses and apps. To check his devices pointless they are wiped clean - right back to a reboot status on arriving home. From last time it was established normal to look at, no big thing everyone does it - whats my problem. The once active sex drive now minimalism. I have discussed it before and wouldn't again, but I'm so sad, I feel like a ball of screwed up glad wrap, its humiliating, and the comments it's addictive don't help. When he's home, its a flow on effect of the cant put the device down addiction - any device within reach 24/7 It's being watched and self gratification attained while I am asleep (not asleep) right next to him, our daughter was asleep at the bottom of the bed one night. Does he not realize I'm the same person doing the clothes washing finding this! First thing in the morning in the loo, progress to shower - yes busted there there and there too. Middle of the day on the verandah smoking, in the car while waiting for me to grab some groceries. Total consumption. I feel I have offered, supplied, made available very enthusiastically, supported, listened, stroked ego, toned up, I fear this will desensitize the ongoing 'webcam porn' prostitution to 'in person' prostitute.
This is totally consuming me till I am hollow. My once healthy self respect, perceived happy body image and intelligent piece of mind now melted. I feel my respect for him diminished. I cant stand him touching our children with those same hands.
Where do you go, who do you talk to, is this even a thing people can help me with.
I am so sorry that this is happening to you, I am just so pleased that you have come to get some support and some ears to listen and to share in what I can only imagine is a heartbreaking experience for you.
As you say, checking devices..why? you know it is happening, asking him if he is...why...he will lie or make excuses. Questioning yourself and blaming yourself..why?..this is not about you and all about him..so what now?????
I am no expert in the way of sexual addiction or how it impacts a person and then the effects of that on the family but I can hear from your words that he is certainly addicted and you are absolutely effected here. I think that you would really benefit from speaking to a professional who knows and understands why people have these needs and this drive and it might make it clearer for you to understand that this is really not about how you don't match up or are not enough and all about things that are happening in his life.
I think you need to ask yourself if you need some time apart to see how you feel about the relationship, also maybe a conversation with him to see if he infact wants to stop this activity and if he wants to regain focus on his marriage. If he in fact does not and wants to continue this way then I think the question is do you want to stay with this current arrangement, I feel like you do not.
To answer your questions I think the first step in my opinion is a conversation with him, get him to express what his intentions are. With this information I think that might dictate the next step for you. Do you figure this out with some counselling or with some specialized therapy for him, or do you make plans to get some support for yourself and to make a new path for you in life.
I am so very sorry this is happening to you and it must just be so degrading to your self esteem and to your self confidence and that is not fair. I am just so proud you have reached out here for some conversation, it is not easy to talk about this sort of thing I am sure.
I have had a look at a resource that might be helpful for you:
I hope to chat to you some more PomPomPom
hi and welcome to beyond blue.
It is sad to read of the effect what the actions of your partner has done as had on you - hurt, betrayed, . Unfortunately watching porn can be addictive. I don't know whether the extended periods of time away from you would make it worse, though it does not make it any better and certainly do not condone his behaviour in this area.
You have mentioned some of the things you do as a way of supporting him,and his responses sounding defensive with "everybody does it" etc . And I suspect you would know that statement is not really correct. I wonder if he is aware of the effect his actions have had on you, speaking in terms of "I" (vs "you" which could put him on the defensive).
Lastly, you are not alone in having a partner that engages on porn. If you do a search using google for
beyond blue porn
you will see plenty of pages whose stories are similar to yours and you could look at these... to see the responses from other poster and perhaps what the original poster did.
There are apps you can be used, or you could google "overcoming porn addiction australia" and perhaps speak with some the local organisations that deal with this issue and see what they might suggest to you.
im sorry to hear of your experience and you should be proud for seeking help and support.
you may benefit from some Councilling to help you to deal with how you are feeling.
It seems your partner has gotten into a bad habit.
my hubby started watching porn while I was working while we were travelling and he was home bored. I don’t think he ever used webcam but watching porn did become a problem.
the reason my Mum kicked my dad out was because of my dads porn habits. So my hubby knew it was an issue and was hesitant to talk to me about it. He did come clean and I’ve been trying to still love and support him. It may be useful to tell him how it’s affecting you and making you feel. Focus on you, not him that way he’s not feeling attacked.
your partner needs a reason to change his behaviour. My hubby decided he wanted to be a good example for our kids and a better husband. I’ve been trying to check in with him about how he’s travelling with it and be there for him sexually so he’s looking elsewhere.
Being a mum and good partner is a tough gig.
All the best PPP
Hello Marie F and Guest_4653, with porn addiction an emotional intimacy is broken where trust, unrealistic expectations and respect develops and your need of feeling appreciated and this will certainly affect the relationship.
The question is 'has it stopped' and how do you feel if you are being intimate.
Could be wrong but the fact that he's indulging in such questionable behaviour, coupled with the 'erectile dysfunction' search, leads me to wonder whether he's overindulging in experimenting with 'whatever floats his boat', so to speak. In this case, he's ignoring one significant factor, you.
'Hey, Captain, what the hell are you doing neglecting this relationship?' would be a good question to pose. Yes, a little confrontational. At the moment it sounds like he's more invested in getting himself excited. You could say this is neglectful on a number of levels. If he's desperate for the need for excitement, it does pay to be cautious. How far is he prepared to go to achieve it? I'm sure this has crossed your mind. You have every right to raise the issue, as you're in a commitment/contract that I imagine stated the conditions of fidelity.
As a wife myself, I think I'd be saying to my husband 'Dude, use those hands to give me a 2 hour aromatherapy essential oil massage, as opposed to keeping them to yourself. Step up and get me excited (even excited about peaceful relaxation)'. If ED is an issue for him and it takes him 2 hours to get worked up, I'd be thrilled the 2 hours were first given to me in such a relaxing way. Again, if ED is an issue for him, there could be a self fulfilling prophecy involved here. What may have begun with a basic thought 'It takes me longer than usual to get worked up (with my wife)', may have turned into 'I can't easily get worked up with my wife'. The body will follow what the mind dictates. It'll do what it's told.
Some questions to perhaps ask as to why he's looking for 'quick fixes to power up'
- Is his energy low? Is his diet poor, is he lazing too much, is he bored (not generally excited by life)?
- Is there a testosterone issue ?
- Does he have a poor imagination and needs someone else to supply it? This is basically what porn is about - stimulating the imagination you don't have. Once they get your imagination going, your body gets naturally excited. We naturally won't need it if our imagination's powerful enough to begin with
Sounds like your husband's lost focus. 'Hey, dude, over here! Stop your self serving quest for excitement and get it together!' I believe his challenge is to find the excitement and imagination within his relationship with you and he's obviously not meeting this challenge. I'd cut straight to the point and present this to him and tell him he's on his own if he's not prepared to meet it.