- Beyond Blue Forums
- Caring for myself and others
- Relationship and family issues
- Partner uses drugs, I feel stuck and responsible
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Mark Topic as New
- Mark Topic as Read
- Pin this Topic for Current User
- Printer Friendly Page
Partner uses drugs, I feel stuck and responsible
My partner and I have been together for almost 6 years. We broke up after 4, had 2 years apart and got back together again. When we dated before he didn't use anything. He now has an addiction which he struggles with and I am trying very hard to support him. We have been back together for a year and half. In that time he has used and at times sold between friends to make money as he couldn't get a job. We ended up moving last year as things were out of control, he almost went to jail and our relationship couldn't handle it anymore. I have told him I cannot continue like this however in the end drugs seem to win each time. I feel like I cant leave him as he gets very negative and suicidal and he has very limited support outside of me.
I am paying bills and rent and he helps when he has been clean long enough to work for a few weeks, but he always seems to have a back slide and uses again.
He has told me that he has been using and selling again, that he has been hiding it and lying to me since he knows I hate it. He says he no longer want to hide it and wants to be upfront. He sees this as a quick way to make money with little effort, but in the past it has gone horribly wrong and has impacted my mental and emotional health severely.
I don't know what to do anymore, helping him doesn't work. Supporting him only enables his behaviour, suggesting help doesn't go down well with him and when I have tried to leave in the past he has threated to kill himself.
He is very manipulative and always turns his problems into mine, blaming me for when things don't work out for him (due to poor planning or being high and not able to make good decisions).
We live together and I work full time.
I have told him so many times I am not going to live my life with drugs around me, he knows this yet he still tells me that he wants me to know that he is using and selling again? I tried to explain to him that an addict cannot be around those things and that he should cut it out of his life or he will never be sober. He doesn't seem to think it will make a difference as there are drugs everywhere and all his mates rope him into deals and good times. How can I get through to him?
I love him with all my heart, but my mental health cannot survive this.
I have never been this anxious or depressed in my life and I honestly wish we never got back together but I am stuck and I cant seem to gather enough strength to walk away.
Welcome to the Forum, we are so glad to have you join us! We're sorry to hear that you're going through so much at the moment. It sounds like you're in a really tough situation and we would love to provide you some support.
If you'd like to talk these feelings through, you can contact us anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 1pm-12am AEDT here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport .
We would also recommend that you get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships
You are not alone, there is always help available.
Wellcome to our forums! So sorry you are going through this....
It sounds like you really love your partner and want to help him...
I understand it’s a very difficult situation......
One thing to realise is this is your partner’s journey... it’s his journey to travel..... it’s his choice... hopefully one day he will release this journey he’s on isn’t a very positive one and he can turn around and change direction at any given time.. but this is his choice and he needs to realise this........ he’s the only one who can decide to change for the better.....it’s his path to decide...
Even though you love this person you are aloud to still be happy and live the journey you want to live....give yourself that permission...
here to chat
Hello Ane, and a warm welcome to the site.
I agree with Petal, 'he's the only one who can decide to change for the better' and he has avoided jail at the moment but the authorities may be keeping an eye on his behaviour, especially if he is selling drugs to other people and there's a chance he could be set up as I knew an elderly friend who's son was doing exactly the same, and sold drugs to an undercover policeman and was jailed.
You can stretch your love for him, but if he's doing what you despise then slowly this love will diminish because if you want to do something together but can't, as he's been using drugs, this will disappoint you, then the love for someone you once knew, will slowly dwindle away, only because he's not the person he used to be.
You can't live your life by what he threatens to do as he can easily manipulate the situation into his way of thinking, so you can't be held accountable, and you can still love even if you separate, to love someone doesn't necessarily mean you have to live with them if that's what you decide.
As you have said 'I honestly wish we never got back together' and I can't tell you what to do, however, you work, pay the bills as well as the rent, then you have every right to make a decision, one that is going to make you happy and please don't be coerced by any threats he makes, these have nothing to do with you, you need to look after yourself and along the way have someone who does exactly the same to you.
If he refuses help then that's his choice, it should have no bearing on how you need to live your own life and be happy.
Please take care.
Hi Petal22 and Geoff,
Thank you both for your kind words.
I do agree, it is his choice and his journey. He is the only one who can make the decision to change his life.
I am afraid he does not see the impact it has on me, he says he does when I bring it up and when I am upset but his actions speak differently.
It is a sad situation we are in, and I do need to think of myself as well as the time I am wasting hoping he will change.
I would like to have a family one day and be able to share my life with someone who values me and who I can depend on to be there. I am trying to put myself first, but I feel guilty which is ridiculous since I am not the person who has made the decisions that has lead him here.
I know I should walk away from this and not play into his manipulation, but when we are arguing and he seems so hopeless I don't have the heart to do it.
Thank you for your reply, I hope that one day your partner can see what he has in front of him (you) and try’s to change for the better…..
No matter how long he has traveled in the wrong direction he can always turn around for the better..,
I hope that he can become aware that the road he is travelling on isn’t a good one, his life can be so much better….. if he try’s to intervene with his addiction…
I wish you all the best I understand you must really love him and seeing him hopeless isn’t a nice feeling…. He’s lucky he has you…
Hello Ane, understand how you are feeling, but someone with an addiction, drugs in this case, but people who need their drugs know how to manipulate the situation and will often attempt to control their position and everyone else in it, to compensate and do what they have to in order to get the drug of dependence, either by lying or conning another person.
When you argue and he feels hopeless is only his way this addiction is controlling him, it's not him saying this, it's his way of pretending what he needs to say, and if by chance he does say that he knows the damage it has caused, he needs the drug to compensate for this, rather than ask for help.
It's his choice and no matter how much he cries, he knows that by using the drug is his only option to feel better, rather than take the long road back to recovery.
You can't help him unless he decides to stop himself and I'm sorry there will be many sob stories to get attention, but this won't help him stop.