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Partner packed up left while as at work said he’s depressed
My partner and I have been living together for 6 months I have two children from a previous relationship also.
I had noticed the past couple months he becoming more withdrawn and not wanting to do the usual things he use to. I asked the usual questions if he was ok if anything was wrong also got he was fine. But my gut was telling me something was wrong. He works long hours two weeks in one off, so also put it down to work stress and fatigue from work. He is a introvert and quiet person anyway.
I got a msg two days ago as I was finishing work to say he had packed up everything and left as he has been suffering with depression and thought he could deal with it himself but it’s only gotten worse.
I tried to get him to talk to me but he’s just shut me out so I have tried to refrain from messaging to give him space.
im heart broken I feel betrayed and like some how this is all my fault like I should of done more or I couldn’t make him happy.
my kids are devastate as they also got no goodbye and asking if they will see him again and I don’t have the answers for them.
he says he love us but it’s best thing for him to leave as we don’t need to put up or see him like that.
i gusss I’m just looking for advice I haven’t stopped crying in two days and barely left the bed I also suffer from anxiety and depression and take medication.
do I wait and let him speak when he’s ready or do I just give up hope and grieve the relationship we had as gone.
As much as I know he’s made this choice, I can’t help but blame myself possibly due to a previous long term dv relationship with my children’s father.
this is the first person I have trusted to let in our lives and once again I feel like I’ve failed some how, and he’s using his depression as a scape goat.
Hello Kate, when people say they are 'fine', there is always a deeper problem that will be divulged straight away or in time and unfortunately has happened here, but this doesn't mean the relationship may be over, he needs time away to try and sort himself out, with the possibility of him contacting you when he is desperate.
One suggestion is that people going through this don't like too many questions being asked to them, simply because they don't have any answers and it may confuse them even more, that's why they decide to be by themselves.
You can still text him every now by saying you love him and always there for him, he won't forget this, but it will be difficult for him to keep saying he loves you, only because depression doesn't allow this.
It's virtually impossible for him to overcome this by himself, because there will be many issues he will push aside because he's not equipped to know how to handle these problems and needs a psychologist to help him through all of this.
I hope he can see his doctor to begin this process.
Agreed Geoff. It's worth mentioning, my wife announced she was leaving me 18 months ago, and my reaction was to give her space and offer support. We still live apart, which I hate, but I gave her support and what she needed, and we stayed together.
Kate - I know that victims of DV are taught to blame themselves. Nothing either man did is your fault. I think your current man needs mental health support and if he doesn't get it, it's just not going to be possible to continue. I know I stayed with my wife on the basis of insisting we had counselling
Thank you both for your replies.
it’s been very helpful to know others have been through this also, or to understand what may be going through his head.
I thought I understood what depression looked like having been through dark times myself and now I ask myself those questions why didn’t I realise before it ended like this.
One response I got from him which has really stuck with me is
“He thought he could deal with the depression shit himself because tor a long time he was with me it wasn’t an issue as I made him happy again”
that cut me and the self doubt thoughts come in like what did I do to stop making him happy and it was my responsibility.
I’m going through the normal responses from anger to hurt to empathy for him and I have tried to offer support and recommend professional help I guess only way up from here is to look after myself and my kids and hope he reaches out one day soon.
You did nothing wrong. He's saying he was enjoying the rush of new love, which passes for everyone, and he was wrong to think that it changed who he was and what his needs are. I've been married for 28 years and its been up and down but it's never again been like those first few months when it was exciting and new.
You are spot on. You need to try to make sure your needs are met. You should try to encourage him to find support if you can. But if you have little ones, they are your number one responsiblity and priority. Focus on them, remember that you're worth something and none of this is your fault and figure out where life takes you next.