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Partner is depressed and has ended our relationship! Please help!
This is a long an complicated story but I'll try my best to put everything in.
I'm 31 years old and have a 7 year old son and was married for 7 years. There's was no love or affection in my previous relationship and I was treated like crap.
My current partner is 38 years old and has 3 kids 18, 15 and 3 and she was coming off an abusive relationship where she had been sexually and physically abused.
When we met, we were both living with our ex's at the time and obviously that made things complicated. We both slept in separate rooms than our ex's and both ex's made our lives a living hell when they knew we were seeing other people. Anyway, me and my current partner had a thing for each other for years and when we first kissed it was instant love time stood still for me and I knew I loved her and she was the one for me from that point it was perfect. We started to try for a baby almost straight away and we fell pregnant on a holiday and thing's were great so I thought.
We came back home and we were both living with our ex's but my partner was still getting verbally abused by her ex and it caused a lot of issues and fights obviously I wanted to be there and due to the stress and pressure ultimately she lost the baby. She pushed me away once she found out she was pregnant and I blame myself for her losing the baby I should of done more (I also blame her ex for causing her all the stress).
Anyway we both had a drunken night together to help get other the loss and while it's not the best way to deal with things it helped.
so we moved on and started to put in offers for houses and applying to the banks...Now... the thing was we both had houses with our ex's and obviously needed to sell to start our perfect life together. I sold my house and gave up A LOT to my ex so she'd agree to sell so I could start a life with my partner and try again for a baby. My current parent kicked her ex out and didn't sell.
Now long story short,
My current partner doesn't want a baby
Her ex now lives with her again
She doesn't want to sell
She has ended it with me
She is suffering from depression
She just wants to be alone
I'm really struggling to understand how to deal with this because the moment I try to move on she comes running back saying how much she loves me how jealous she is and so on.
I don't understand how to deal with all of this because 2 days ago we kissed and cuddled and she said You know the way I feel yet doesn't want to be with me? Can anyone please help!!!!
welcome to the forums.
I can hear your struggle as you come to terms with what this on/off relationship even is. that must be so confusing.
Please remember that i am only someone who has been through mental health issues and not a counsellor or even someone with sound advice for your situation, since i've never been through it.
But I would suggest that the behaviour your partner is exhibiting is quite typical of someone whose mental state is under siege. between the hope of a new life and the trappings of her ex, i do not know if she is quite ready to commit 100% to a new relationship. She hasn't even committed to helping herself yet.
my own opinion is that starting a relationship when one person is not ready is very difficult and dangerous. I understand you want to be there for her, but she will not be herself a lot of the time. it is all fine that perhaps you accept all of her, but what if not all of her accepts you?
There is a lot happening at the moment and you only have control over what you do. While she is in a state of flux, perhaps it is best for you to focus on what you can do to secure a good future for yourself. Do you have a good network of friends who you can reach out to? when my own personal relationship is struggling, I have always found friends to be of the most help to me.