Partner is all for himself/not a team at all

[Milly_moos]

Hi All, this is my first time posting but I am really needing advice this time round.

I think my partner just doesn’t care about me. Every decision he makes is based solely around himself. There’s no we it’s always I.

We have managed to figure out that he needs more space than I do and that’s okay we all have our own needs however I feel like I am constantly being taken advantage of and I have had it.

I ordered a bike online and it needed picking up in business hours which I am unable to make due to work. I asked if he could pick it up on his way home (it’s literally down the same main road as his work) and he said no that he didn’t want to.

I then took the afternoon off work to be able to pick up my bike and all was well until the bike wouldn’t fit in my car. We only live 10 minutes away so I called my partner asking if he would Uber here and drive my car home whilst I ride the bike home and he said no it’s Friday and im Tired. He then said put your big girl shoes on and sort it out yourself.

I ended up getting the bike home with help from a random guy offering to help me but that’s not the issue.

The issue is that he couldn’t help me out at all yet he’s been happily using my car for the past 6 months for work.

I told him how I felt about the situation once I got Home and he told me I was being selfish thinking that he would drop everything for me.

This confuses me so much as I happily help him out when he needs it. This is just one example there are meant more.

I just don’t know what to do anymore

[Juliet_84]

Hi milly moos,

Welcome to the forums, although I’m sorry to hear about your recent issues. You’re right to feel upset at your partners lack of support, particularly when it seems to be a one-way street. Your partner seems to put himself and his wants/needs first at all times and you seem to be a distant second. It may be that he is selfish and doesn’t want to think about someone else, or he may have a misguided sense of wanting you to be self-sufficient. Either way, it doesn’t bode particularly well for a relationship. The way I see it is, life is hard enough without having to do it all on your own, particularly when the person who is supposed to love and care for you will quite happily let you struggle. As a first step, I would suggest sitting him down and having a discussion about how you feel and what you want out of a relationship. I’d also ask him to explain his reasoning for willingly taking help from you but not reciprocating in kind. If he takes the feedback on board and makes more of an effort, then that’s great. But if he doesn’t, it may be time to decide whether this is something that still has a future. You don’t want to be driving yourself to the hospital while giving birth one day! An extreme example perhaps but life is full of these moments, and you need a partner who’s going to stand beside you during them.

[therising]

Hi Milly moos

It's amazing just how much we can tolerate from someone until our tolerance turns to intolerance, then it becomes quite a different story.

Myself, I'm a very actively loving person. I express love through my actions, not simply words. Sounds like you might be the same, given how much you do for your partner. My husband, although he does occasionally express his love through his actions (the things he does for me or leaving me free to make my own choices, as opposed to being a dictator), he's more of a 'express it through words' person. May sound a bit brutal but I believe he's like this partly because he's a little lazy in the way he actively loves. Again, brutal, but I believe it suits him to say 'That's just me'. I'm Mum to a 15yo boy and 18yo gal. I've had no choice but to love these 2 amazing incredible human beings through a lot of stuff I really didn't want to do. I could have chosen to do little for them from the start (basically raise them), saying 'That's just me' but I accepted the challenge of being reformed as I raise them in extraordinary and challenging ways.

Wondering if your partner is lazy. If there are things you don't do for him when he wants you to do them, does he get really quite annoyed? If so, you could then say he's lazy and selfish. If he could not care less about how he actively loves the people around him, you could then say he's lazy, selfish and careless in the way he lives. This is not necessarily a reflection on you, it may simply reflect his nature in general, unless it suits him to behave otherwise. Would you say this is his nature in general?

I suppose the question is 'Can you continue to tolerate such a nature?' I imagine, no, given that it's becoming intolerable. You recognise the truth, the truth being you deserve better than this behaviour. You deserve to be actively loved to life in many ways.

Milly moos, it was quite a shocking wake up call when I met with the realisation in my marriage 'I'm largely raising myself in this relationship'. While it left me feeling pretty proud of myself, it also triggered me to consider the ways my husband wasn't raising me. In fact I found, in some cases, he was bringing me down. Nowadays, I won't tolerate anything less than what I feel I deserve. If he's up for the challenge, excellent, we can evolve the relationship. If not, I can easily detach in service to my natural self, a self that I've come to realise deserves a greater love.

You deserve better Milly moos 🙂

[white knight]

Hi,welcome

Imo the core of the problem is twofold. 1. He capitalizes on your weaknesses 2. You're vulnerable

The fact that you've loaned you're car to him for 6 months is a case in point. Such a nice thing to do but here knows h e can be selfish and not return favours.

Following the bike incident you should have taken a tougher stance. You are too kind.

Either you set down personal rules and boundaries firmly or you leave him.

He won't change imo

TonyWK